what better way to celebrate halloween than to fall down some stairs?

Felt like complete crap this week... I feel like I have been in a wrestling match with a grape harvester... had to get an emergency appt with the massage therapist on wed. because i couldnt even walk because of my back and hip- pulled something monday morning- dont think it helped i was on my hands and knees cleaning the carpets sunday night... so- halloween comes- have had devon home ALL WEEK except friday from school... my mother comes over.. I am NOT in a good mood- my back is killing me, kids are grating on my nerves big time... ( and have robbie over too) and what do i go and do??? I go to go next door ( we are all hanging out there to hand out candy)... I grab my extra large stainless steel bowl which is almost over flowing with candy and FALL DOWN my front stairs.. yes on my bad side right on the shoulder, hip, leg and arm... yes I am becoming my mother... hadnt even had a drop to drink ( yet lol) scraped all my hand up.. shin is scraped and turning red... and candy fucking everywhere....so what do I do then? I make sure I am not spurting blood anywhere, that i havent broken anything and I could stand up... picked up the candy... dropped it off next door, put bandages on my hand... grabbed a bottle of wine and a glass and went next door and proceeded to polish off said wine and more while my mother took devon around the street.

we all ended up in the redneck bar down here- but I was somehow home by 1130?? wow.. there was a time when i didnt even go OUT until 1130 lolol...took an alieve, went to bed and woke up at 7... feeling like a mac truck had snuck into my bedroom and run me fucking over...didnt have a hangover THANK FUCKING GOD lol.. but i would have rather had a hangover then the aches and pains my whole body feels right now.

ended up at my mothers at 330 after dropping robbie home and then erin and jim came over and we all had pizza and wings.. i ended up leaving early because i just couldnt handle the pain anymore- and my stomach was killing me ( dont ever have 2 bowls of cabbage soup after a night of drinking lolol) so I came home got devon in bed in record time and was OUT for the night by 730. woke up at 4,.. I dont even think dean believed me when I said i was going to bed at 730... but fuck i was tired and worn out.

cant wait for christmas! :p

geesh... I was so friggen tired yesterday I could have napped on and off all day ( had devon NOT been home and wanted my attention all day... sigh) and here I am up at 430am now... having gone to bed at 1115. why is this? I will be tired again in 2 hours.

going to keep devon home again- not that hes not raring to go and hopping around as usual, but he still looks like crap and coughing all the time... I am sure even if I DID send him the school would be calling me. All this media hype about this swine flu is leaving me confused and scared... esp now that this 13 year old died... and then the 10 year old from ottawa on the weekend... both started to feel better than WHAM... so how do I know if devon just has a seasonal cold or flu or something worse? even if i DID take him to a clinic or dr that would say to just keep him home and treat it like the flu... that poor 13 year old went to the clinic sunday and dead on monday , the drs having told the father to go home and dr him with over the counter stuff and plenty of fluids...and how do I know that devon doesnt have some underlying chronic illness? just LOOK at him... and he has a perpetual runny nose from sept. - april... sigh,..

because I am keeping devon home I have no CLUE how we are going to run errands.. do I make dean do it all and I stay home? he still has to go to the bank.. I cant do that for him... and I have an appt with the massage therapist at 115. except for literally maybe an hour I have been home since last thursday.. I myself am getting cabin fever.. and i am hacking as usual..and so so tired... which scares me.. I usually dont feel this whipped with just my usual cold gone into my chest thing.. i want to nap all the time now and I have been "sick"since 2 days after Thanksgiving.

damn this whole h1n1 crap.

YAY it's Tuesday! lol. Dean is coming home... all shall be well :p

Threw my back out yesterday morning.. lower left side this time... I was reaching for the milk in the fridge and I felt the burn and spasm... been walking around like an old lady ever since... stairs of course are worse... trying to stretch the are out and have had two jaccuzis and aleive but this morning wow. Taking mum's massage therapist appt for tomorrow or I may not be walking by thursday. Doesn't help I am coughing and its spasming.. or that I steam cleaned the carpets the night before...prob contributed.

Devon has been sick since Friday. it was a very very very quiet weekend :) :P. He basically slept the entire weekend but seemed whiny and getting back to his usual demanding, moody self by last night... and he doesnt seem hot now. which is good but boy was it calm and peaceful here all weekend ;p he's still coughing and really pale so I will keep him home at least one more day... wouldnt want him to miss Halloween, that would suck.

I still feel a bit whipped... still coughing.. still tired.. we were supposed to go to sick kids today for devon's mri but I had to cancel.. even if he wasn;t sick they have major probs with people hacking in the hospital..They put is on their cancellation list which they said could be another 6 months...we waited to get THIS appt from march,... geesh by the time he gets an mri he will be 9, waiting from the time he was 7...knowing MY luck, the next appt I will be sick with something NEW lol

I will write later- its 638 and russell's been in the shower since 615... better get him going or he will miss the bus,...
Su

I see a pattern here... blog all the time... then don't blog for weeks... actually I don't get a lot of computer time... between the kids and other kids coming in here I get a few minutes here and there and not really enough time to sit and write anything.. even this morning ( its 557am) I have to get russell up in a couple of minutes.. than devon and start the day rolling...

I have barely slept this week... between post nasal drip at night making me wheeze, cough and gag... or the dog.. or cat.. or my bladder or kids, I jump up after having only gone to bed a couple of hours before. Last night I went to bed at 1230,... listening to my lungs and throat crack, pop and sound like a dying bag pipe... i finally fell asleep a little after 1 only to be waken up at 415,,. i really contemplated trying really hard to go back to sleep then said to myself fuck it,..I hear my alarm going off in my room right now- for 6am. I then feel guilty cuz dean will come home today and tonight i will be exhausted and prob. fall asleep by 9 on the couch- but at least tuesdays dean is exhausted too.

I just finished paying the utilities and bills online... there goes my child tax credit- but at least telus, water, gas and visa is paid for the month- dean will have to pay hydro- just cant swing another 270 odd bucks :p we have to cough up $250 for devons therapy some how too- and russell needs 40 today for a class trip for drama to toronto next week... plus I am getting my hair cut this morning AND need to get something at the butcher for dinner. sigh... why oh why didnt we win lotto max on the weekend?! 25 million would have sure come in handy! :) on the bright side we managed to only go into overdraft 2.71 cents in our joint account even WITH having dean home and paying for meds... so thats def. a plus! i was really fucking dreading looking at the balance this morning... not looking forward to christmas.... if it werent for that we would keep our head just above water... sigh I wish someone could hand me a job monday, tuesday and fridays between 9 and 3 :p that would be absolutely perfect... esp if russell goes and gets himself a job soon- my child tax credit will then be reduced by a couple hundred because of his disability.. once he starts work its cut off.. which is ironic.. cuz its not like his med bills go away!!! but according to the gov't if hes capable of working than his disabilites just seem to disappear into thin air...and the fact we no longer have any medical benefits.. yeah that makes it so much easier.

I dont want to go wake russell.. i wish i had an intercom yeah i am that lazy ( and tired! lol) i figure i have about 5 minutes until i have to scramble... he has to be out at the bus for 20 after 7..

I wish dean didnt have to go back to work this week- it was so nice having him home for a whole week. It would be nice if we saw each other every night...

I am going to be so dead on my feet by the time i get home after my errands and appts today.. I am already tired and every joint in my body is aching,..

well i must be off- otherwise russell would sleep till noon- lol

Su

This is shaping up to be a very very long week...

dean of course is having another shitty week with the truck he has- hes on week two with this truck that has no a/c ( its 110 in florida) and one gas tank ( the other had plastic and cardboard stuck in it) so this made him late.. and of course andy had a ton of picks for him. oh and last night his phone broke.

Devon has a broken arm... did it on saturday. He was in his usual fine mood, attacking his friend, running, screaming etc.. and he ran into the games room and slammed the door.. i went up to see what desctruction he was wreaking and opened the door.. he was behind it- apparently with his right arm raised. sigh. it didnt even swell or bruise, plus he could move his fingers and wrist. Dr. said it just had to be the way his arm was up on an angle.. its a small crack, not a clean cut break. So now I have a kid that cant do anything since its his right arm including getting dressed or go to the bathroom. Joy. I am actually shocked that he hasnt broken something before the way he leaps, jumps and doesnt pay attention not to mention his lack of coordination. ( I better knock on some wood here!)

I am trying to convince Dean to take off Thanksgiving week ( not this trip but the trip after). He needs a break and so do I. If he takes it off he will be off when the kids have their 4 day weekend, be home for thanksgiving dinner for the first time in 13 years, and get to go to balls falls festival. I hope he says yes. He wouldnt get a vacation until christmas otherwise and he needs to have a break from the crap hes dealing with and I need to see him longer than 2 days. ( and so do his kids! :)

I hope dean gets home earlyish today and since his phone is broken, I have NO clue. I should be doing something in here, I have laundry to put away, things to tidy etc but I keep putting it off. I dont even know what i am going to make for dinner. Guess I better get something out soon if I want it defrosted. I have been sitting here since I took the kids in this morning playing plants vs zombies... really productive! :p ( Thanks kathy! lol)

I wrote a long email to a friend of my mothers niece who does aba and ibi therapy and sensory intergration... gave her my #... wonder if she will get back to me. I can only imagine how much it costs... other places around here are around the 25--30 dollar and hour mark. Anything is worth a shot finding out about but It just seems like everyone I have called or emailed either doesnt get back to me or cant help. He finally goes for his mri next month ( oct). at sick kids. we have been waiting since february. Hes going under anesthetic.. this should be fun!We also have an appt with dr shapir oct. 7th. We took the kids to dr sassi last week ( the eye dr) and he said again, devon has a mild prescription but do I honestly think he would keep the glasses on for more than an hour? So he recommended we hold out till it gets significant. Poor kid. seems things only gets worse as time goes on.

ok- one more round :) and I should do something in here before dean gets home cuz then i will have NO time.

ttfn

When you have an Autistic child....

When you have an autistic child


When you have an autistic child your time is not your own. You are a care giver 24 hours a day.

When you have an autistic child your whole world becomes a time table, Dr's, therapists, school meetings, and routine routine routine.


When you have an autistic child your entire life becomes ABOUT autism.. how to survive and cope and help your child ( and yourself) just get through a day.

When you have an autistic child, to say your life is unpredictable is an understatement, anything can change in a heart beat and plans are rarely made because of this.

When you have an autistic child you feel like you're living in a bubble, you can't escape and no one can get in.

When you have an autistic child you grieve a little everyday, for the future, friends lost and the ability to communicate and interact with your child.

When you have an autistic child no one wants to hear about your day, or understand the isolation you feel. No one wants to acknowledge that you have a child with an illness, they only think you're a bad parent, or dramatizing or how better they could handle things if they were in your shoes.

When you have an autistic child you are always on guard and are constantly trying to find ways of reducing all stress. Even a fun event can turn into a nightmare in a split second, sometimes it's just best to avoid things.

When you have an autistic child your close friends disappear, they don't have a clue what being a parent to an autistic child means.. you don't have a lot of time or energy for anything else and your reasons become excuses in their eyes.

When you have an autistic child no one seems to understand and everyone is full of advice and judgement.

When you have an autistic child you become a fighter, for your child, for compassion and a little understanding, for a 5 minute break.

When you have an autistic child you worry all the time. About school, about testing, about the future, about rages, about your other children, about your job and your relationships.

When you have an autistic child you want to shout from the roof tops.. My child is a human BEING and please accept him with patience and treat him with the respect he deserves!

I am the mother of an autistic child and if I could heal my child I would. Don't you think I want to? Don't you think my heart breaks every time I see my child not being able to cope? or have friends? or when he's rejected by his peers? or say what he wants to say? or get terrified and anxious over things we don't understand?

I am the mother of an autistic child and my life is not the same as yours. Please try and put yourself in my shoes just for a moment.

Suzanne Bilski


http://www.autismcanada.org/

http://www.fragilex.org/html/autism_and_fragile_x_syndrome.htm

My dad

I just knew i would be up at 3 if i went to bed by 9... sigh... Dean and I were so zonked last night that after devon went to bed we did too!

strange day yesterday. first we went over to the pelham clinic so dean could get his physical for work.. i opted to wait in the car with a book instead of sitting in the germ infested room. 2 hours later- he comes back out and announces that hes quitting smoking and hasn't had a cigarette since. his sugar his fine, his blood pressure is fine..now he has to fast for cholesterol. that isnt part of the physical but i he asked for the test. so we go to the pharmacy where dean got nicerette gum.. grocery shopping, lancer for lunch.. the meridian, the rbc, back to the meridian then back to rbc.. then big reds-

so I am at the meat counter- and all of a sudden, I am being hugged by a strange old man- we pull apart and i look at him and my heart goes into my stomach- its MY DAD. we go through the how r u's.. and how old my kids are-that russell started thorold high.. ( THAT SHOCKS HIM) and i said yeah well time flies by eh? I tell him hes over 6 feet now..and that shit its been years since he saw him.. and he says well u know where i live... so i said and U knew where I LIVED for 6 years and came by once. I tell him i moved.. not in Thorold anymore but in Port robinson.. he says thats still THOROLD.. well i guess it is.. there you go correcting me again..the whole conversation was surreal and awkward. he takes off his glasses and is tearing up. he looks like hes 80. I can barely understand him he talks so roughly and quietly.. like quincy. hes completely grey and bald at the back.. i didn't know what to say ( i wasn't going to say shit u look OLD MAN lol) so i said omg u look like uncle charlie now. lol. he can barely breathe just standing there. i give him my new address and phone # ( which he will never use) and after 10 more minutes tell him it was good to see him and walk to the front to pay... hes right behind me in line.. we start talking about MEAT. omg. is this seriously what a daughter and father have to talk about after years or not speaking? MEAT and prices? we both didn't know what to say to each other! he points out to his car in the parking lot- a white Hyundai.. i tell him were driving a cobalt now.. he asks dean if hes still driving long haul.. we pay and i tell him again it was nice seeing him and we all leave and get into our cars.

I don't know what to think... it was very strange. I have thought about him often over the years.. in fact ( i tell him) i was just talking about him to the kids 2 days ago when devon again asks me about joe being my DAD..( he also thinks that lockhart is where i grew up= even though i have SHOWED him park ave.) hard to explain to a delayed little kid why you don't speak to your own dad when I don't even know. do i not bother because of HER? because of loyalty to my mother? because of the past? because its just too much work? The last time i popped by his house i wasn't exactly greeted by her nicely.. i got suzy? JIM! SUZY is here! ( suzy said snottily and with contempt) and we then had a very weird conversation where he had to correct me a 100 times.. showed me his meat/pantry and liqueur collection... this was at least 4 years ago. at least. I never went back over. he came over to culligan ONCE.. complained about my front step right off the bat.. looked at my one plug in the kitchen that didn't work and said it would cost us 1000's to rewire ( it cost us 50 bucks to get a guy in when we moved) and that had to be a year or so after we moved in. My # didn't change from 1996 to 2008. whatever. Joe sees him at retirement parties.. my mother always gets mad that he doesn't ask joe about his kids.. well i don't really expect him to have a friendly conversation with my mothers new husband either.. but hes had my email address and # and knew where i lived since 1996. I went over to his house a couple of times when devon was first born. if it weren't for her i might have gone over more often- but like i said she makes me feel very unwelcome- and also my loyalty to my mother kicks in... but hell he left 18 years ago... maybe if my mother had a decent marriage NOW.. she could have gotten over it a little more naturally.. ( not that that is something that just ever goes away either) Then i think well, it would be like david and russell seeing each other- however david never HAD any relationship or place in russells life EVER- this was MY DAD for 20 years.

My mother shouldn't expect ME to hold onto HER grudges.. and any grudges i have ever had with my dad on parenting etc have long gone from me... when i had my two kids and matured i realized life just isn't a leave it to beaver episode and people make mistakes, people have mental issues.. drinking issues.. that raising kids and marriage just isn't exactly easy either..you learn to let it all go...sure it still bothers me that he didn't want to even meet me for a drink at 20 because" he was happy now"... i will never understand how men can just leave ONE family and have another...and forget they ever HAD the first family in the first place. But the fight my parents had.. their divorce isn't about me.. or my brother.. or even because my dad cheated.. My dad has never been a happy person.. or a terribly vocal person that could share his feelings.. and my dad obviously has several mental issues.. that he cant help or never GOT help for. My dad and i don't even know each other now... 18 years later. he doesn't know me at all as an adult, a mother, a wife.. a woman and i don't know him now either.. but he is my father.. biologically, genetically and he helped to shape me for the first 20 years of my life. I am NOT making excuses up for his lack of parenting skills at times.. nor for his inability to communicate in the past 18 years either but their are reasons.. reasons beyond just my ability to fix the gap.. that as adults it was both of our faults to stay in touch NOT just my fathers. I am an adult now.. no longer that 15 year old that couldn't talk to him without a fight.. i am 37 years old.. and it takes two people, HIM and I..and i haven't exactly made any more efforts in recent years either.. The gap between us as adults is both of our "faults"

am I NOT there for my mother 24/7? do i not tolerate all of HER faults, issues, habits, idiosyncrasies and criticism? why should it be any different for my dad? what because my parents marriage dissolved? because he didn't have patience with me as a teenager? i look at it differently now- i HAVE a teenager- i have RAISED my two kids and I know how easy it is to get frustrated etc.. and i have been a wife for 14 years, I know how much you have to tolerate and how hard you have to work at a marriage..and I am a relatively stable normal person. I cant imagine how my DAD felt as a parent or a husband- but why should i hold it against him as an adult.. I cant. there is no logical reason. we all are entitled to make mistakes.

Even IF my dad calls me or comes over.. doesn't mean we are expected to be all palsy walsy and close like my mother and I..but I certainly can accept that he IS my father and my kids grandfather. IF he doesn't get back in touch- well thats ok too.. I dont think he does it from lack of loving but the lack of a social ability to know HOW to communicate or face situations. I also have to realize that it truly takes TWO people to make a relationship work- parent/child,.. wife/husband or even friends and if I dont bother at all either then thats MY fault too.

its not like i ever wanted to have this miley/billy ray cyrus thing... but I should be able to tolerate being in the same room as him! I don't go looking for "acceptance'.. or i have never begged for his affection as an adult.. but I can accept the man for who he is.. what he was.. and put it all in perspective.. that's what being an adult and life experience is all about. I cant stand the people that as adults habitually say.. well I am an asshole or crazy etc because of my CHILDHOOD.. you get over things,... its not how you start its how you finish and as adults you have the ability to reason, to change things.. to do things differently. sure it shapes you as a person but you cant possibly say it makes you who you are 20 years later. my childhood was so long ago- so many years have passed that I barely remember things now.. and the things i DO remember, referring to the "bad things" I have learned to let go...noone is perfect. no one can understand someone because they don't walk in their shoes.. i have learned THAT lesson for sure..its time to move on.