Second cup of coffee... 7 44am sunday morning... all kids ( including Robbie) are still asleep... so why am I even up? Why did I get up an hour ago?... no idea.. prob. to escape into the quiet...any normal person that went to bed after midnight would be trying to sleep in... me? I am as I usually am trying to squeeze in as much quiet "me" time as I can... I love early mornings.. in the peace and quiet. If I didnt have to worry about Devon getting up and what he would get into, or him freaking out I would go for a very early morning walk by myself. The birds are chirping.. the air has that feeling of pre- thundershower.. and sitting beside the window in the games room looking out makes me feel very cagey. Of course in the 2 days that dean is home i never get to go for an early morning walk either- they are school days for one... I get up and do my motherly duties..but even in the summer i feel as if I am tied here as always. School ends June 24th. 32 days left if you include the weekends..I dread it. I dread the lack of routine for Devon who without it melts down and becomes something i cant recognise... I hate the pressures it puts on me as a caregiver to Devon first- not a mother but a caregiver to an autistic child with multiple problems... there are no breaks for me at all once summer comes.. no respite of a few short hours so i can clear my mind and restore my energy..with dean having taken his only vacation there is no family week now to look forward to. I have tried to plot a thousand times in my head of how possibly we can even put aside a few bucks a week to allow him a week off in august... it just wont happen. Too many bills.. too many obligations and of course not enough money to go around.
I think of the countless days of summer ahead where Devon will be waiting very unpatiently for his friend across the street to come home from his array of sports activities every day to play with him, ringing his doorbell every 10 minutes... some activitities 2x a day like yesterday- they went to baseball in the morning.. came home for an hour and out again for lacrosse... Devon was devestated. I dont understand how so many parents feel they have to put their kids in so many different sports teams.. when do they have time for socializing or fun? or even a proper MEAL? I never even saw the kids yesterday go inside for lunch.. or a snack.. and on to the next event.. scary. Where in the heck do they even come up with the money to pay for it all? The equipment alone costs a fortune.. They have their kids in soccer, hockey, lacrosse, baseball right now. Who am I to judge I guess...They feel like they are keeping them active.
Summer is not fun here. I wish Dean was home- it makes it so much harder, esp. on weekends when I see other families together- bbqs.. parties.. festivals.. doing things.. and we are reduced to a voice on a phone. My mother occasionally comes up for a coffee for an hour.. vicky comes over at night perhaps 2x a week for an hour here or there... other than that I am here alone with the kids.. trying to entertain myself when the kids arent fighting or Devon isnt needing me for something by cleaning or reading/the computer.. or now the treadmill. I wish Devon had a friend- other then nathan across the street.. someone he can just be himself with- and just play with him for a couple of hours.someone on his level. Someone who wont judge him when they cant understand him- or critisize him when he cant possibly keep up... and a parent of this child that understands and empathasizes with what the situation/issues are without a lengthy explantion of diagnosis and definitions of what this or that means when it comes to symptoms/behaviours and prognosis.
Devon is up now. he came in, looked at me.. i said good morning... and he walked away without a word... now hes back asking for "brown pieces of lego" that hes accusing russell of having in his room and he needs them NOW... sigh... i told him i am NOT going into russells room when him and robbie are sleeping... there will be world war 3 here of course... He asked me "is it friday today?" even though he didnt have school yesterday so he should know its the weekend.. but the difference between"should know" and "does know" is just something i have learned to accept.
I miss being a real mother... a mother not of an somewhat independant teen- ( who also needs prompting and shaping- but perhaps not the same child like mothering like before) but being a mother of a small child... I dont get to be that with Devon. There isnt the connection there.. by connection I mean he doesnt connect with people at all- you cant teach him things like you normally can a little one.. cant do arts and crafts or bake ( he will just make one holy mess- and i dont mean because hes really getting into it lol or just talk to and they listen to you and laugh or offer their kid like opinions... you cant carry on a conversation... one that really makes SENSE. he doesnt have that connection.. the processing skill.. he talks about things hes obsessed about- lego- video games- pokeman etc.. and doesnt care if youre even really listening- babbles on and on... but if you tried to take him for a walk and talk about nature or what youre seeing on the way he couldnt offer you more than a few short words in response ONLY if you asked him something 20 times.. he doesnt offer anything... you cant just play with him like I could even with russell. He speaks out of context.. when you ask him something he might give you a yes or no.. but its back to a devon topic instantly...at least when russell was smaller we could kinda of do things when he was more rational.. and our conversations and times together were always interactive. Devon is as far from interactive as possible.
I am having all sorts of weird thoughts about whether or not to even think about having another child. I wish I could be guarenteed a healthy one... and perhaps skip the baby years ;) these are the 2 things that are truely preventing me from really wanting to do it all over. Am I being selfish for not wanting to give up my games room? for not wanting to get up in the middle of the night with yet another one( putting devon aside here- and all of HIS needs here... which take up most of my waking time) but I dont really know if i have the energy or the frame of mind to do it again at my age...and what IF its another child with this genetic disorder?? Even with genetic counselling- at this time i know nothing about since sick kids still hasnt given me full results and an appt to go through them- so hypothetically speaking- even IF I knew I could have a CHOICE of isolating the gene.. or should be callous enough to say- picking the right egg.. yes I am putting it out there... am I willing to do it again? I really dont know what parenting healthy child IS... a normal functioning child.. i have had 14 long years of drs, rages, advocating, fighting the system.. therapies.. meds.. isolation... special ed.. caregiving. I could NOT do it again. However, I crave and long to be a normal mother- whatever that is. lol I have seen Dean with other kids.. babies.. esp. girls.. I know in his heart he longs for a little girl.. although he would never admit that to me.. but i have heard him talk in such ways that i know.. and interact with girl babies and little girls in such ways that its obvious. or- a boy- a healthy normal functioning boy that could carry on the Bilski name.. I know he secretly wishes we had healthy children but refuses to talk about it... I wish I knew what God wanted from me... or what he has planned. If I had another child i would never have MY life back at all... i am at that point at least whre devon is in school full time.. i get my mondays and tuesday breaks...Dean and I get alone time when hes home now..and i dont have a baby tying me down ... and how fair would that be to devon who needs me like he does.. or to the baby because of devon?... Do I really want to add an extra stressor like a BABY??? But I also cant deny what I feel either..and its not simple like just the pangs of my clock ticking away either.. I wish it was that simple...i wish i had all the answers or someone i could talk to that would really understand.
9am now.. I dont expect russell or robbie to get before noon. I actually hope they DON'T and that I can distract devon enough to stay UP here..then all will be quiet. ( I hope) devon is downstairs into something.. i asked him what are you doing... i get a NOTHING... hmmm..every light is on from here to downstairs too... I just home he doesnt get it into his head to go outside at the moment either and go call on nathan... for one the dog likes to run out.. and two.. i am still in my pjs so i dont feel like running outside... devon is also still in pjs.. although it wouldnt matter to him what he was wearing. MAN I wish Dean was home. Devon doesnt get into as much or run outside as much when hes here...
anyway... i better go see whats hes up too... grab myself another coffee and get some kind of motivation to clean the house this morning since i didnt do it yesterday...i did manage to vacuum the games room however at 11pm... :p
till i feel like ranting again- or at least get a chance to-
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
may 21st 2009
wow 2 posts in 2 days... :)
this is Dean's last day of vacation... back to the regular friday to Tuesday on the road crap tomorrow. I don't hold much hope in a winning ticket in last night's 6/49 lol... however maybe i should check my ticket just to be sure ;) Did I mention i hate his job lately? I hate his job :p
Devon had his first baseball night last night... it went well.. it was interesting. All sorts of different levels of functioning there for sure.. wow. and of course not one person his age.. I think there might have been a kid there 12 or so but other than that they were 20's and up.. Devon didnt mind it seemed and befriended just about anyone who functioned enough to talk to him. He got a "home run"... actually he hit the ball just short of the pitchers mound and the one more coherent teen "overthrew" the ball way out to right field just so he had a chance to run to first.. and they fumbled the ball so badly that he made it in to home... NOONE except the one teen, volenteers and of course parents knew... devon was so proud that's all we have heard since that he hit a home run :P and maybe he will win a trophy now :) we are just glad he had fun and wants to go back next week!
Tonight we go out to dinner with Dean's parents to Swiss chalet. should be interesting lol... they have invited Mum and Joe too???!!!! WHY I have NO clue.. they havent seen my mother ( other than the occasional in passing- like russells birthday- or the odd Christmas... its not like they are friendly... at least i have my mother on my side if they decide to insult me or throw a dig in... my mother wont put up with anything. I dont know whats worse.. dinner out at a restaurant or at their house... he can be soo friggen rude... and LOUD... but at least i have mum there.Not exactly a nice quiet peaceful pleasant last evening I had planned for dean's last night home... sigh. oh well.
Dean should be coming home from the school bus stop in a second so until next time!!! :)
this is Dean's last day of vacation... back to the regular friday to Tuesday on the road crap tomorrow. I don't hold much hope in a winning ticket in last night's 6/49 lol... however maybe i should check my ticket just to be sure ;) Did I mention i hate his job lately? I hate his job :p
Devon had his first baseball night last night... it went well.. it was interesting. All sorts of different levels of functioning there for sure.. wow. and of course not one person his age.. I think there might have been a kid there 12 or so but other than that they were 20's and up.. Devon didnt mind it seemed and befriended just about anyone who functioned enough to talk to him. He got a "home run"... actually he hit the ball just short of the pitchers mound and the one more coherent teen "overthrew" the ball way out to right field just so he had a chance to run to first.. and they fumbled the ball so badly that he made it in to home... NOONE except the one teen, volenteers and of course parents knew... devon was so proud that's all we have heard since that he hit a home run :P and maybe he will win a trophy now :) we are just glad he had fun and wants to go back next week!
Tonight we go out to dinner with Dean's parents to Swiss chalet. should be interesting lol... they have invited Mum and Joe too???!!!! WHY I have NO clue.. they havent seen my mother ( other than the occasional in passing- like russells birthday- or the odd Christmas... its not like they are friendly... at least i have my mother on my side if they decide to insult me or throw a dig in... my mother wont put up with anything. I dont know whats worse.. dinner out at a restaurant or at their house... he can be soo friggen rude... and LOUD... but at least i have mum there.Not exactly a nice quiet peaceful pleasant last evening I had planned for dean's last night home... sigh. oh well.
Dean should be coming home from the school bus stop in a second so until next time!!! :)
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
may 20th 2009
ll
What a weekend. I think we did more socializing this weekend then we have in 3 years. I am still worn out.
Friday night ( after a day of making food for sunday) Jason, Kathy and Diana came over. Havent seen them in awhile and Dean hasnt seen them since Christmas.. ( even if on friday Dean had a few and went downstairs to sneak in speed vision- shaking my head-) my husband doesnt talk much... but at least his "presence" was here :p so Kathy and I ended up shooting the shit as we normally do... eclectic conversations that can either make me almost pee my pants or serious intelligent ones that i normally cant get out of my husband :p
saturday we headed over to swc for their open house walkthrough... it was very odd walking through their halls once again. I thought I would get all choked up and nostalgic but felt more closure and nothingness then anything else... wierd and robotic how i showed dean and the kids my classrooms etc and didnt get the pangs for my youth i thought i would... it was more like it was someone elses life i was pointing out... it was so long ago and so distanced from my life that I have now. I ran into my old science teacher who knew me right away... ' hello miss Stewart"... very odd.. ;p that was 23 years ago and he still knew me right away.
We then headed over to Vicky`s 30th party.. at her friends house. hung out their for 2 hours.. ate far too many deviled eggs and cheesies and then came home to get ready for the swc dinner.. my mother was omfg annoying.. so loud.. man she was getting on our nerves.. i thought dean was going to lose his mind. she dropped us off at the fallsview casino and there i had far too much wine.. sat with my old principal who i called the wrong name... did really bad teacher impersonations and every graduate from 1960 on thought i was my mother.. good times. Only say a handful of people i recognised. hey at least it was a night out.. and I got some free wine glasses and a centerpiece :p we then took a cab home at 1am.
Sunday we went over to his parents place.. where we were met by the entire Bilski clan ... most of whom i havent seen since my wedding day 9 years ago... yes we are such a close family :p Mrs Bilski got her digs into me every chance she could and even took me by the arm up to her bedroom to show me her ironed sweatshirts.. she says i make dean do ALL THE HOUSEWORK ( UM SURE) and SHE does and HOUR of ironing a DAY.. and THIS is how you DO it SUSAN... ok.. why me? why didnt she take Tanya up? or anyone else? why does she always critisize ME??? in 21 years i still havent done anything right. She thinks i over work her golden boy deanie. I wont even post the nasty hateful things she said about hitler and the jews all day... if it werent for tanya ( and angela) I prob. would have walked home at 3 LOL at least noone cried or I wasnt told to get the "fuck out of their house".... sigh
I wish Tanya and jamie + kids and ang his sister lived closer... devon got along great with his cousin cole... they played all day together... next time they see each other they will be teens.. u watch.. sigh. but when in the heck are we supposed to get up to Montreal? The last time I saw Wayne he was 16.. hes now 25... scary.. same with Crystal and chantal.. they are 19 and 21 now.. they were younger then russell at our wedding. We missed their entire teen years. which really is scary since delia, chantal and crystal only live in Hamilton :p ( now sarnia as of 2 1/2 months ago)
Monday we had vicky and sean over for dinner and a fire... omg i dont think i will ever look at the one picture of me plastured at the swc reunion without wetting my pants.. sean actually had me laughing so hard doing his impression of it.. its on my facebook pics- anyway.. i look at the "drunk" pics- all except that one didnt make it to facebook lolol.. and i see my mother omg lol I dont drink that often but wow.. i was nervous which didnt help and i had 6 red wines HAHA
Deans off until friday. Hes gone fishing at the moment. I have cramps from HELL... i should be on the treadmill... maybe after i pop some advil gel caps..
oh yeah and my coffee maker broker.. not the canister this time but the actual maker..so i had to bring out the dribble machine... not happy. POS.
better go light a fire under my ass and do something other than sit on the computer all day.Devon starts baseball tonight too!!! I hope he likes it- and doesnt get all mad too that its not all kids hes playing with- ( hes with the special olympics) I also hope he doesnt blurt out embarrassing things either- like are you retarded??? sigh...
until next time...
What a weekend. I think we did more socializing this weekend then we have in 3 years. I am still worn out.
Friday night ( after a day of making food for sunday) Jason, Kathy and Diana came over. Havent seen them in awhile and Dean hasnt seen them since Christmas.. ( even if on friday Dean had a few and went downstairs to sneak in speed vision- shaking my head-) my husband doesnt talk much... but at least his "presence" was here :p so Kathy and I ended up shooting the shit as we normally do... eclectic conversations that can either make me almost pee my pants or serious intelligent ones that i normally cant get out of my husband :p
saturday we headed over to swc for their open house walkthrough... it was very odd walking through their halls once again. I thought I would get all choked up and nostalgic but felt more closure and nothingness then anything else... wierd and robotic how i showed dean and the kids my classrooms etc and didnt get the pangs for my youth i thought i would... it was more like it was someone elses life i was pointing out... it was so long ago and so distanced from my life that I have now. I ran into my old science teacher who knew me right away... ' hello miss Stewart"... very odd.. ;p that was 23 years ago and he still knew me right away.
We then headed over to Vicky`s 30th party.. at her friends house. hung out their for 2 hours.. ate far too many deviled eggs and cheesies and then came home to get ready for the swc dinner.. my mother was omfg annoying.. so loud.. man she was getting on our nerves.. i thought dean was going to lose his mind. she dropped us off at the fallsview casino and there i had far too much wine.. sat with my old principal who i called the wrong name... did really bad teacher impersonations and every graduate from 1960 on thought i was my mother.. good times. Only say a handful of people i recognised. hey at least it was a night out.. and I got some free wine glasses and a centerpiece :p we then took a cab home at 1am.
Sunday we went over to his parents place.. where we were met by the entire Bilski clan ... most of whom i havent seen since my wedding day 9 years ago... yes we are such a close family :p Mrs Bilski got her digs into me every chance she could and even took me by the arm up to her bedroom to show me her ironed sweatshirts.. she says i make dean do ALL THE HOUSEWORK ( UM SURE) and SHE does and HOUR of ironing a DAY.. and THIS is how you DO it SUSAN... ok.. why me? why didnt she take Tanya up? or anyone else? why does she always critisize ME??? in 21 years i still havent done anything right. She thinks i over work her golden boy deanie. I wont even post the nasty hateful things she said about hitler and the jews all day... if it werent for tanya ( and angela) I prob. would have walked home at 3 LOL at least noone cried or I wasnt told to get the "fuck out of their house".... sigh
I wish Tanya and jamie + kids and ang his sister lived closer... devon got along great with his cousin cole... they played all day together... next time they see each other they will be teens.. u watch.. sigh. but when in the heck are we supposed to get up to Montreal? The last time I saw Wayne he was 16.. hes now 25... scary.. same with Crystal and chantal.. they are 19 and 21 now.. they were younger then russell at our wedding. We missed their entire teen years. which really is scary since delia, chantal and crystal only live in Hamilton :p ( now sarnia as of 2 1/2 months ago)
Monday we had vicky and sean over for dinner and a fire... omg i dont think i will ever look at the one picture of me plastured at the swc reunion without wetting my pants.. sean actually had me laughing so hard doing his impression of it.. its on my facebook pics- anyway.. i look at the "drunk" pics- all except that one didnt make it to facebook lolol.. and i see my mother omg lol I dont drink that often but wow.. i was nervous which didnt help and i had 6 red wines HAHA
Deans off until friday. Hes gone fishing at the moment. I have cramps from HELL... i should be on the treadmill... maybe after i pop some advil gel caps..
oh yeah and my coffee maker broker.. not the canister this time but the actual maker..so i had to bring out the dribble machine... not happy. POS.
better go light a fire under my ass and do something other than sit on the computer all day.Devon starts baseball tonight too!!! I hope he likes it- and doesnt get all mad too that its not all kids hes playing with- ( hes with the special olympics) I also hope he doesnt blurt out embarrassing things either- like are you retarded??? sigh...
until next time...
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
tuesday may 5th
I went for a power walk yesterday. After i drove the kids into school, I went to the park beside my old house and did the cycle path 4 1/2 times fast. My shins were killing me last night. I didn't think I would make it after the third time around but I did it with the help of Queen ;p. Poor buddy by the 4th time was behind me. I wish we had a park like that around here...
Would have liked to go again this morning but I have to sit here from 8-12pm waiting for cogeco to show up- were having the phones switched over again...hopefully there wont be any problems.. I remember when we were trying to sell the house and Bell "accidently" dug up cogeco's lines in front of our house and cut my phone lines... we went over a week without a phone- this was before i even had a cell phone... i remember having to call them every day from my neighbours... stupid people would tell me " we will call you..." um HOW? I kept telling them i am CALLING from a NEIGHBOURS house... and none of the 20 year old call centre people could believe that I didnt own a cell phone.. like i was some oddity... not to mention what having tree house out for over a week did ... it was a nightmare lol...
anyway...I hope devon doesnt give me a hard time this morning like he did yesterday omg.. i have to get him on that bus .. I cant drive him in.. knowing my luck cogeco will show up at and i wont be here..I wish Dean was here...sigh
I hope it doesnt rain when dean is home.. it seems like he goes on the road and the weather is wonderful... everyone is out working in their yards/gardens and the kids are playing outside.... he comes home and its freezing and raining... how fair is that. we have a truck load of dirt coming tomorrow morning... it better now rain!
622am... I better get russell up.. its his track and field today.. i hope he didnt sneak to be awake late last night and play games or something... hard to hear from my room and I crashed early so i didnt go back down and check...
going to go chug another coffee and cross my fingers and say a prayer for a smooth morning...
Would have liked to go again this morning but I have to sit here from 8-12pm waiting for cogeco to show up- were having the phones switched over again...hopefully there wont be any problems.. I remember when we were trying to sell the house and Bell "accidently" dug up cogeco's lines in front of our house and cut my phone lines... we went over a week without a phone- this was before i even had a cell phone... i remember having to call them every day from my neighbours... stupid people would tell me " we will call you..." um HOW? I kept telling them i am CALLING from a NEIGHBOURS house... and none of the 20 year old call centre people could believe that I didnt own a cell phone.. like i was some oddity... not to mention what having tree house out for over a week did ... it was a nightmare lol...
anyway...I hope devon doesnt give me a hard time this morning like he did yesterday omg.. i have to get him on that bus .. I cant drive him in.. knowing my luck cogeco will show up at and i wont be here..I wish Dean was here...sigh
I hope it doesnt rain when dean is home.. it seems like he goes on the road and the weather is wonderful... everyone is out working in their yards/gardens and the kids are playing outside.... he comes home and its freezing and raining... how fair is that. we have a truck load of dirt coming tomorrow morning... it better now rain!
622am... I better get russell up.. its his track and field today.. i hope he didnt sneak to be awake late last night and play games or something... hard to hear from my room and I crashed early so i didnt go back down and check...
going to go chug another coffee and cross my fingers and say a prayer for a smooth morning...
Saturday, May 2, 2009
may 2nd 2009
I am stealing Kathy's conversation theme just because this was just too funny not to post...
Devon in bathtub washing his bum: Why is my bum small and yours big?
Me: because mummy likes to eat.
Devon: you don't eat with your bum.
pause...
Devon: My hole in my bum is small... is yours big?
Me: No Devon, mine is small too. Now wash your face bugs bunny is coming on.
omg lol
Devon in bathtub washing his bum: Why is my bum small and yours big?
Me: because mummy likes to eat.
Devon: you don't eat with your bum.
pause...
Devon: My hole in my bum is small... is yours big?
Me: No Devon, mine is small too. Now wash your face bugs bunny is coming on.
omg lol
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