another weekend over-
monday is always a day of rest and reprieve for me. ( knock on wood!!) THIS is my weekend. MY day. The day I send the kids on the bus.. come home.. grab my coffee and my shoulders drop about 1/2 a foot and I can finally take those deep relaxing breaths that I havent taken since LAST monday. That is unless someone calls me wanting something from me.. sigh.
I love being alone. I never used to feel that way- years ago I always needed to have company or social interaction of somesort, constantly- now i have become a recluse- a hermit of sorts.. well.. not really.. my life is way too demanding for that. However I love being alone- I love the peace and quiet and relish the far and few between moments that I actually GET it now. I love it when its soo quiet that i can hear the dog breathing- or the train behind the house- or just the fact that noone is yelling for me to do something or other. In the summer i rarely get on the computer. I get up at the crack of dawn when the kids/dean/animals are still asleep, i slip outside and sit on the veranda and have my coffee and watch nothing. I am happy to watch my little street and the forest around us wake up. I love being in the country now. Its my time to think. My time to destress and prepare for the day ahead. My time to appreciate all the little things I have in my life that bring me such great joys and how to improve on things .. i set my long and short term goals or sometimes just prop my feet up and relax.. and just appreciate the warmth of my cup and my drag of my smoke.
I have been thinking alot lately about different things. Sometimes I wish i could just take my head off and put it on the table.. or shut it off with a switch. Lately however religion has been coming into my head - I have been having so many conflicting thoughts, emotions, guilt.. I dont know who to talk to about this at all. A lot of what if's... a lot of questionings. I believe in God. Thats a definate thing... I believe in the old testament.. as far as thats the God I believe in... what I am questioning is my faith as a Christian... and of course then I have guilt. I was raised as an anglican... attended the anglican church faithfully for years and years.. even went over zealous a couple times... but always had this questioning and then guilt. I remember asking my auntie kay- where do Jews go when they die if they dont believe in Christ? ( I was dating a jew at the time- my auntie kay being the biggest baptist bible thumper around- i thought was the right person to ask ) she told me.. why to hell of course! SHOCK... I never could accept this. I thought how could MY God- who is supposed to be a loving and forgiving God send millions of people to hell? and if what about other people? the muslims, buddists, islamics etc? They were all going to hell??!! Now I am sure other forms of Christianity will say no thats not the case.. God WOULD accept them ALL into heaven... right? hmmm... then wouldnt that defeat the purpose of christianity>? of becoming reborn? about accepting "the lord" into your heart and that he died for your sins? so YOU could go to heaven? It didnt make sense. I asked my minister- he couldnt give me a straight answer either. I also asked the cannon if Adam and Eve were the first man and woman on earth... were they Neanderthal? and if God made them in " his own image" did that made HIM look like a neanderthal too? he couldnt give me a straight answer either... I think i was 8...
I think Dean is Definately Jewish. Thats pretty obvious with the secrets his family have had since ww2 ( the last name change- hans's sister and father in concentration camps, the whole mental and bitterness they have and weirdness they get- the stories about his mother and/about hitler and the apparent physical characteristics they all share. It wouldnt really surprise me either once the genetic testing comes back we find out that we are too on my mother's side. it would made complete sense... too many things definately would make more sense... The fact that people have mistaken both Dean AND myself ( and definately my mother)for being jewish for as long as i can remember...A Jewish name has now been passed down for 4 generations of woman on my mothers side when they were supposedly christians in the old country? I find it odd.. esp. since we dont know ANYTHING .. NO history at all predating my great grandparents coming over to Canada from austria. No idea who anyone was- no names or places or religion... nothing. when they came to Canada they changed their name- Anglicized it or bastardized it as most people did... and thats when we have records from- then till now. Gees, my great grandmother barely spoke english- I dont remember much of her- she died at 99 years old in her house on the couch. she hadnt walked in several years... really hard of hearing.. 2 days before she died, my auntie Mimi heard her get up and WALK into the kitchen to the back door.. she went to her in shock and asked,.. where are you going mama? she told her " I am going HOME" then fell on the floor when she realized where she was. I was 14. She was born Annie Freidrich in 1886, married Nichola Oziejuk ( Ossichuck) when she was 15. They came to Canada ( landed in Manitoba) and then had 6 children from Manitoba to Thorold Ontario where they settled)- .. 4 kids survived... John ( my mums dad) Miriam, Katherine and Frances. My Great grandfather died in 1948 of heart problems so she was a widow for 38 years. Apparently other family landed in Manitoba as well- both my great grandmothers and great grandfathers sides... we have no clues about them.. other then my great grandads brother was a hair dresser and my great grandmothers family were farmers who made cheese of somekind...
I have always been tempted to sign up for ancestry.com but i wouldnt know how and where to start,.. for one there are several spellings we have for the last names.. and several places they were supposedly from...
until next time.. i am getting too hungry to sit here any longer.. :p
ttfn
Su
Monday, February 23, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
cooking classes?? in a recession? hmmm
I would like to give cooking classes.. in my home.. you supply the meal idea you want to cook and the MAIN ingredients.. I will supply the pantry ingredients and equipment and of course my professional expertise... I will only charge for labour ( depending also on how many we cook for) with my overhead and costs already factored in- per hour. so- you would get to take home a delicious meal cooked already by an expert ( with a culinary management degree) and shown how to do it ( you participating of course) already portioned out to whatever amounts we have made in take out containers to take home to your family or whoever to enjoy... great concept.. but in a recession who the hell esp HERE in Niagara is gonna pay for such a service.. hmmm....anyone KNOW of anyone interested???
my week feb- 20th 2009
another saturday ho hum
Devon woke me up at 7am because he desperately needed to find the lego stormtroopers he slept with. After HE finally found them i made coffee and stumbled into the games room only to find that russell and robbie had stolen the modem once again to play ps3 in russells bedroom late last night... and left me an inapproriate obscene picture that says to SUE from your SON on it... hmmm time for a lecture when they got up.
Its been a long week. when IS it not a long week? dean came home late tuesday afternoon, very very tired. We had dinner and watched a movie with the kids and went to bed. Wed. he took russell to Toronto.. he came home around 230.. he had stopped at the seaway mall and picked me up one of the really nice candles i liked and an oil diffuser... then we had dinner... played wii for a bit, watched tv went to bed lol.-
oh yeah his sister from montreal called- she wants to have a big 60th anniversary party for deans parents in may. I am sitting there listening thinking ,... hmm BAD BAD idea... they will HATE it.. they HATE "hoopla" they will refuse to let us pay for dinner.. there will be a huge fight... dean will have to take his vacation he usually takes in the summer THAT weekend... and i will spend the entire time pretending our family is normal... angela has never even MET devon and hasnt seen russell since dean and i got married- so he was 5. so what do we do- hey ang! nice to see you! this is your nephew you have never seen before! this is his list of diagnosis's and those of russells too? you cant NOT say anything.. its pretty obvious.. esp. if you plan on spending a whole WEEKEND being around us.. and dean goes an invites them to STAY HERE TOO- hahaha i said um no...ironically when we went to see deans parents yesterday we found out deans mum wants to take hans away on a surprise trip that weekend lol.so much for THAT idea!!
I wish deans family would COMMUNICATE. even when i was trying to suggest alternative anniversary plans he took it as a personal attack and started getting hostile... i said look i am not the enemy here.. i am only trying to help. noone says anything.. he talks to ang once maybe twice a year and he hasnt talked to delia in YEARS AND YEARS. hasnt seen her in 8. Its doesnt help everyone lives so far apart or that they are sooo MANY YEARS in age apart. noone is close. noone shares ANYTHING.. unlike My FAMILY lol... gees my mother knows everything that goes on in my life..i said to mrs bilski yesterday that devon had autism, she said i dont know what that is, and in a voice meaning she had noone intention of finding out nor did she really care.- i can see why dean doesnt bother.. but he gets so defensive when you say anything derogitory against his parents either.. always defending them... thats their WAY... whatever, ... theres is no excuse for their behaviour.. for their coldness.... I know dean feels the same way. he hates it too.. what they say, how they act.. hes mortified. but they are also his parents.. and GOD only knows how they treated him as a child... you have to OBEY us.. we are your parents.. he was prob. terrified of them... mr bilski terrifies ME even in his 80s. he has this look about him.. its feral and crazy. whatever he was subjected to when he was a child in wartime has made him mental.I have tried desperately to piece the puzzle based on stories hes told us ... I am pretty convinced their family were jews forced to alter their entire lives.. and i am pretty sure he lost his older sister in a camp. My compassion wants to love them.. my love for GOD wants me to help them and love them... but its difficult to even think of them without hostility and for that i feel terrible guilt. I asked dean if he would be shocked if he found out if we were of jewish blood once the genetics testing was done... he said no. but even if he had papers to prove we were genetically linked to "sons of Arron' Mr bilski wouldnt believe it.. then he said ... but he might have known right along though right? as far as my side.. it wouldnt shock me in the least... and it wouldnt shock anyone whos def. met my mother ... lol maybe thats why the bilskis have had it in for me for the past 20 years.... they could sniff it in me lol... they had " jewdar" lol they have always refused to call my mother MIRIAM... always referred to her as MARIAN hahaha and blamed me for everything the jews did to them... cuz the "jews did it to themselves... they were greedy"... I really dont think mr bilski goes around spewing his anger about jews to just anyone.. just me... why? I have always told him what a good anglican i was... hmmm see they thought MY family was jewish from day one.. and never took no for an answer. they once told me deanie should never ever have married "outside of his race"... i said what... HUMAN? lol i didnt get it then... i assumed they meant german... which i thought was soo stupid... all of their daughters married french or other nationalities,... and in fact our family was from austria on my mothers side.. so... how close can you get what dear ole Hitler was in fact from Austria? NOW i get it.. they think I am a jew! ;)
ok enough rambling about the Bilskis.. its giving me heartburn and yes i did have dried out cake and maccroons on the menu yesterday :)
we went to the speghetti dinner thursday night at the port robinson community centre. it was surprisingly good. not over cooked- the sauce was acidic.. but palatable but not bad- at least homemade. I felt bad for the volenteers that they had.. 1/2 of them didnt show up.. so they were really backed up and slow.. my mother of course game them MY phone #... told them I was a chef and voleteered me for any future endevours... ( rolling my eyes) not that i wouldnt have.. its of course the miriam way she did it- loudly and like rip torn meets ethel merman or something like that.. :p
ttfn
Su
Devon woke me up at 7am because he desperately needed to find the lego stormtroopers he slept with. After HE finally found them i made coffee and stumbled into the games room only to find that russell and robbie had stolen the modem once again to play ps3 in russells bedroom late last night... and left me an inapproriate obscene picture that says to SUE from your SON on it... hmmm time for a lecture when they got up.
Its been a long week. when IS it not a long week? dean came home late tuesday afternoon, very very tired. We had dinner and watched a movie with the kids and went to bed. Wed. he took russell to Toronto.. he came home around 230.. he had stopped at the seaway mall and picked me up one of the really nice candles i liked and an oil diffuser... then we had dinner... played wii for a bit, watched tv went to bed lol.-
oh yeah his sister from montreal called- she wants to have a big 60th anniversary party for deans parents in may. I am sitting there listening thinking ,... hmm BAD BAD idea... they will HATE it.. they HATE "hoopla" they will refuse to let us pay for dinner.. there will be a huge fight... dean will have to take his vacation he usually takes in the summer THAT weekend... and i will spend the entire time pretending our family is normal... angela has never even MET devon and hasnt seen russell since dean and i got married- so he was 5. so what do we do- hey ang! nice to see you! this is your nephew you have never seen before! this is his list of diagnosis's and those of russells too? you cant NOT say anything.. its pretty obvious.. esp. if you plan on spending a whole WEEKEND being around us.. and dean goes an invites them to STAY HERE TOO- hahaha i said um no...ironically when we went to see deans parents yesterday we found out deans mum wants to take hans away on a surprise trip that weekend lol.so much for THAT idea!!
I wish deans family would COMMUNICATE. even when i was trying to suggest alternative anniversary plans he took it as a personal attack and started getting hostile... i said look i am not the enemy here.. i am only trying to help. noone says anything.. he talks to ang once maybe twice a year and he hasnt talked to delia in YEARS AND YEARS. hasnt seen her in 8. Its doesnt help everyone lives so far apart or that they are sooo MANY YEARS in age apart. noone is close. noone shares ANYTHING.. unlike My FAMILY lol... gees my mother knows everything that goes on in my life..i said to mrs bilski yesterday that devon had autism, she said i dont know what that is, and in a voice meaning she had noone intention of finding out nor did she really care.- i can see why dean doesnt bother.. but he gets so defensive when you say anything derogitory against his parents either.. always defending them... thats their WAY... whatever, ... theres is no excuse for their behaviour.. for their coldness.... I know dean feels the same way. he hates it too.. what they say, how they act.. hes mortified. but they are also his parents.. and GOD only knows how they treated him as a child... you have to OBEY us.. we are your parents.. he was prob. terrified of them... mr bilski terrifies ME even in his 80s. he has this look about him.. its feral and crazy. whatever he was subjected to when he was a child in wartime has made him mental.I have tried desperately to piece the puzzle based on stories hes told us ... I am pretty convinced their family were jews forced to alter their entire lives.. and i am pretty sure he lost his older sister in a camp. My compassion wants to love them.. my love for GOD wants me to help them and love them... but its difficult to even think of them without hostility and for that i feel terrible guilt. I asked dean if he would be shocked if he found out if we were of jewish blood once the genetics testing was done... he said no. but even if he had papers to prove we were genetically linked to "sons of Arron' Mr bilski wouldnt believe it.. then he said ... but he might have known right along though right? as far as my side.. it wouldnt shock me in the least... and it wouldnt shock anyone whos def. met my mother ... lol maybe thats why the bilskis have had it in for me for the past 20 years.... they could sniff it in me lol... they had " jewdar" lol they have always refused to call my mother MIRIAM... always referred to her as MARIAN hahaha and blamed me for everything the jews did to them... cuz the "jews did it to themselves... they were greedy"... I really dont think mr bilski goes around spewing his anger about jews to just anyone.. just me... why? I have always told him what a good anglican i was... hmmm see they thought MY family was jewish from day one.. and never took no for an answer. they once told me deanie should never ever have married "outside of his race"... i said what... HUMAN? lol i didnt get it then... i assumed they meant german... which i thought was soo stupid... all of their daughters married french or other nationalities,... and in fact our family was from austria on my mothers side.. so... how close can you get what dear ole Hitler was in fact from Austria? NOW i get it.. they think I am a jew! ;)
ok enough rambling about the Bilskis.. its giving me heartburn and yes i did have dried out cake and maccroons on the menu yesterday :)
we went to the speghetti dinner thursday night at the port robinson community centre. it was surprisingly good. not over cooked- the sauce was acidic.. but palatable but not bad- at least homemade. I felt bad for the volenteers that they had.. 1/2 of them didnt show up.. so they were really backed up and slow.. my mother of course game them MY phone #... told them I was a chef and voleteered me for any future endevours... ( rolling my eyes) not that i wouldnt have.. its of course the miriam way she did it- loudly and like rip torn meets ethel merman or something like that.. :p
ttfn
Su
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
to dream the impossible dream....
I feel like my life has been taken over by appts. I finally listened to my messages since Friday- ( I know I am so bad) and low and behold- 2 more appts and one happens to be TOMORROW IN FRIGGEN TORONTO OMG!!) like THAT fits into my schedule :( Russell has an eeg at 1030 at the toronto western hospital... I think i am going to let Dean take him alone... Dr Consky's office left a message too.. Russell has an appt march 6th for pre op... and I just called dr Sinton's office for russells physical for his operation ( which is march 12th at 9am) for feb. 24th at 1020. he also has an orthodonist appt on march 19th and both kids have a dentist appt on march 26th... then you factor in we go to Toronto March 4th to the muscular/skeletal dr for Devon and March 11th to Dr Shapir... I am ready to hire a secretary AND a chauffeur. Perhaps I should just rent an apartment in Toronto... it might be cheaper then the gas/parking!!!
March is going to be NUTS. On top of the fact Russell all during his march break is going to be in NO shape after his surgery to be doing anything...and prob. in a horrible mood to deal with at all. FUN FUN FUN.
I put my lower neck/ left shoulder blade out last night. I was on the computer and i stretched then i heard/felt a POP and i knew... shit. I had a 30 minute jaccuzzi.. didnt do anything. I popped some gel caps and went to bed.. couldnt get comfortable.. finally fell asleep around 2aM. and guess what... I woke up and it was 730 in the freaken morning omg... I was frantic. I got the kids up in record time... but needless to say i had to drive them in... could barely turn my head... came home and heated my pack and put it on my neck... cant even go to the massage therapist because they are still dicking aroung with my insurance because of the car accident- and the letter/ referal from the drs etc... I am so mad about all that,... all they needed to do is start be back on... the auto ins. signed me OFF... but greenshield wants this and that and everything else... meanwhile I am dying.
I would love to win the 6/49 this weekend. 39 million WOW..(actually it would be 19.5 million if i won... my mother and i go in on the tickets every week... 50 50- hey not going to balk at that!!)
I could so many great things with that kind of money. ( hey including getting a friggen massage without having to worry about insurance lol) I would have my husband HOME and not on the bloody road 5 days a week... we could actually deal with all these appts and STILL see have some actual time to spend together!!!! pay off the house.. the car...buy a real second car, not a 13 year old piece of crap with the hood thats held down with a bungee cord- a screw the car- get that limo and chauffeur!! lol buy REAL furniture not crap from leons that breaks in 3 months... lol I could buy my brother and sil a HOUSE ( across the street from mine ;p) I could donate a ton of money for research for tourettes and autism and so maybe they would actually find meds or treatments or genetic research that would actually find a CURE so i wouldnt have to go to all these bloody appts so MUCH in the FIRST place lol... ahhh to dream..
March is going to be NUTS. On top of the fact Russell all during his march break is going to be in NO shape after his surgery to be doing anything...and prob. in a horrible mood to deal with at all. FUN FUN FUN.
I put my lower neck/ left shoulder blade out last night. I was on the computer and i stretched then i heard/felt a POP and i knew... shit. I had a 30 minute jaccuzzi.. didnt do anything. I popped some gel caps and went to bed.. couldnt get comfortable.. finally fell asleep around 2aM. and guess what... I woke up and it was 730 in the freaken morning omg... I was frantic. I got the kids up in record time... but needless to say i had to drive them in... could barely turn my head... came home and heated my pack and put it on my neck... cant even go to the massage therapist because they are still dicking aroung with my insurance because of the car accident- and the letter/ referal from the drs etc... I am so mad about all that,... all they needed to do is start be back on... the auto ins. signed me OFF... but greenshield wants this and that and everything else... meanwhile I am dying.
I would love to win the 6/49 this weekend. 39 million WOW..(actually it would be 19.5 million if i won... my mother and i go in on the tickets every week... 50 50- hey not going to balk at that!!)
I could so many great things with that kind of money. ( hey including getting a friggen massage without having to worry about insurance lol) I would have my husband HOME and not on the bloody road 5 days a week... we could actually deal with all these appts and STILL see have some actual time to spend together!!!! pay off the house.. the car...buy a real second car, not a 13 year old piece of crap with the hood thats held down with a bungee cord- a screw the car- get that limo and chauffeur!! lol buy REAL furniture not crap from leons that breaks in 3 months... lol I could buy my brother and sil a HOUSE ( across the street from mine ;p) I could donate a ton of money for research for tourettes and autism and so maybe they would actually find meds or treatments or genetic research that would actually find a CURE so i wouldnt have to go to all these bloody appts so MUCH in the FIRST place lol... ahhh to dream..
Sunday, February 15, 2009
hmm "dumb and dumber" or "step brothers?""
had an interesting afternoon yesterday. I felt like I was trapped in a weird version of the movie step brothers... the part of the movie where the boys "will ferrell and John C. Reilly" try and make their bed into bunk beds... only russell and robbie werent making bunk beds they were just trying to FIX it... of course russell and r0bbie kept referring to the movie every two seconds and quoting it word for word.. ( rolling my eyes)
however they were equally dumb about going about it. I tried to let them deal with it as long as I could, see if they could come up with a solution but eventually had to go down and stand over them for basically two hours or they ( or who i will refer to as "dumb and dumber" would have ended up with exactly what they DID have in the movie...all they did was giggle and laugh and make inappropriate comments.. and act like they were on something.. which would make more sense.. but unfortunately they were just being their normal immature selves... add russell to the mix who has adhd, ocd, and multiple challenges I was counting to ten A LOT lol.
moral of the story... dont buy crappy ( but expensive!!) beds from LEONS if you have big teenagers sleeping in them or you will end up with this. This bed in question is only 3 years old and it wasnt just a one time it broke thing.. it was breaking since basically the day we got it piece by piece.. the first year we were able to replace those wooden slats you see in the pic under warranty... after that nope. and no they werent jumping on it... but between the two of them they are 400 lbs of kid. guess we have to go out and get a new bed SOON...
I just hope I dont have the two of them at 40 living with us...
let's see what today brings shall we??? gotta love long weekends with teenagers ( and kids!) NOT!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
saturday morning so far-
well I almost got to sleep by myself last night. Devon fell asleep on the couch in the games room so I picked him up and put him in his own bed. Maybe I jinxed it when i was talking to dean around 1100pm and told him this because Devon then appeared on the stairs saying he was "too hot" and didnt want to sleep. I attempted to put him back in his bed 3 times even with a story, 2 pep talks and a mild lecture.. like that worked,... 5 minutes later he was in my bed. sigh. I will try again tonight. i am hoping on the increase ( meds) he will be back to the falling asleep a little earlier and staying asleep through the night... I just wish i had my own bed when Dean wasnt home.
My back is killing me and I cant wake up this morning. I feel like I was drinking last night but didnt have a drop. I am on my 4th coffee and 3 glasses of water... been up for 1 1/2 hours and i had 7 hours sleep. I know i have to start cleaning.. I got my central vac back on thursday and I really should be vaccuming in here. The games room is a sty and i dont even want to see what the kids did in the rec room last night when they were watching movies last night. I also have to do devons laundry and his bedding and ours. Yuck. I hate housework lol. I know as soon as the big kids roll out of bed the fighting will begin... they will get on Devons nerves and vice versa and i will have to play referee. I love it how I have Robbie over here every weekend too... hes a great kid sure.. but its never been reciprocated. Every weekend his parents get a free weekend... their kid gets free food.. a free taxi.. free supervised entertainment... and i get stuck with another teenager in here to look after, lucky me. I realize they live in an apartment so it makes it hard to have another kid in there... but what about when they lived in the semi? they were there for years!!! and it doesnt help they dont have a car.. so i have had to pick him up and drop him off for years... i guess thats the price to pay for russell having a decent friend. Some of the friends hes had... well WOW. If i have to have Robbie here its a small price to pay then like the weekend he went off to Brantford with that Aarron... omg...however one weekend would be nice to have where russell went to robbies ALL WEEKEND like he comes here,... The kid lives here 2-3 days a week. robbie actually listens to me too. Hes a good kid.. and they are quiet and when I need something done they do it. Its not like they are running around like idiots.. its always a pleasure to have robbie here.. otherwise I wouldnt HAVE him here... it just doesnt seem , well, fair.
Dell Finally took out their payment I see. Only took them 5 days later... I can believe they had the nerve to say I WAS in arrears because THEY were trying to take it out of the wrong account.. forget the wrong account.. it wasnt even MY account they were trying to take it out of... who knows whose account it was lol. hope the other person got it sorted out AND they don't try and charge them or ME for some stupid nsf fee!!! stupid people... nothing bugs me more than inept people... no inept people that call you up and YELL at you that you didnt make PAYMENT... i said its been SITTING there for a MONTH waiting for you to take it... what account are you TRYING to take it out of???? and then ask me when THEY finally fix the problem so when can we take payment??? how about 5 days ago when it was DUE???? i understand problems and mistakes happen... so DONT call me and YELL at me like I am bouncing the payment and/or on purpose... plus how did this happen when i already HAVE an account with you people at the same address and same phone # that comes out every month ( for 4 years aready) with no problems from the same account i wanted it too?>?? - shaking my head-
a dr from toronto called yesterday - a dr Philpot- hes muscular/skeletal.. apparently we have an appt for march 4th,... so now i have to figure out where the heck it is... i have an address and the info... march is going to be hectic... the 11th we go back to toronto to the tourettes clinic.. then the 12th is russells surgery.. somewhere in between russell has to have pre op... and an appt with dr sinton for a check up... then off for the surgery plus both kids off for march break...also have to take the kids for blood work this week... devon HATES needles.. took 2 nurses plus dean to hold him down last time.. FUN.
well devon wants to get on here... maybe it will entertain him long enough for me to vaccum the main floor... i really dont wanna but i have to... sigh
great now i have the hiccups
till later-
su
My back is killing me and I cant wake up this morning. I feel like I was drinking last night but didnt have a drop. I am on my 4th coffee and 3 glasses of water... been up for 1 1/2 hours and i had 7 hours sleep. I know i have to start cleaning.. I got my central vac back on thursday and I really should be vaccuming in here. The games room is a sty and i dont even want to see what the kids did in the rec room last night when they were watching movies last night. I also have to do devons laundry and his bedding and ours. Yuck. I hate housework lol. I know as soon as the big kids roll out of bed the fighting will begin... they will get on Devons nerves and vice versa and i will have to play referee. I love it how I have Robbie over here every weekend too... hes a great kid sure.. but its never been reciprocated. Every weekend his parents get a free weekend... their kid gets free food.. a free taxi.. free supervised entertainment... and i get stuck with another teenager in here to look after, lucky me. I realize they live in an apartment so it makes it hard to have another kid in there... but what about when they lived in the semi? they were there for years!!! and it doesnt help they dont have a car.. so i have had to pick him up and drop him off for years... i guess thats the price to pay for russell having a decent friend. Some of the friends hes had... well WOW. If i have to have Robbie here its a small price to pay then like the weekend he went off to Brantford with that Aarron... omg...however one weekend would be nice to have where russell went to robbies ALL WEEKEND like he comes here,... The kid lives here 2-3 days a week. robbie actually listens to me too. Hes a good kid.. and they are quiet and when I need something done they do it. Its not like they are running around like idiots.. its always a pleasure to have robbie here.. otherwise I wouldnt HAVE him here... it just doesnt seem , well, fair.
Dell Finally took out their payment I see. Only took them 5 days later... I can believe they had the nerve to say I WAS in arrears because THEY were trying to take it out of the wrong account.. forget the wrong account.. it wasnt even MY account they were trying to take it out of... who knows whose account it was lol. hope the other person got it sorted out AND they don't try and charge them or ME for some stupid nsf fee!!! stupid people... nothing bugs me more than inept people... no inept people that call you up and YELL at you that you didnt make PAYMENT... i said its been SITTING there for a MONTH waiting for you to take it... what account are you TRYING to take it out of???? and then ask me when THEY finally fix the problem so when can we take payment??? how about 5 days ago when it was DUE???? i understand problems and mistakes happen... so DONT call me and YELL at me like I am bouncing the payment and/or on purpose... plus how did this happen when i already HAVE an account with you people at the same address and same phone # that comes out every month ( for 4 years aready) with no problems from the same account i wanted it too?>?? - shaking my head-
a dr from toronto called yesterday - a dr Philpot- hes muscular/skeletal.. apparently we have an appt for march 4th,... so now i have to figure out where the heck it is... i have an address and the info... march is going to be hectic... the 11th we go back to toronto to the tourettes clinic.. then the 12th is russells surgery.. somewhere in between russell has to have pre op... and an appt with dr sinton for a check up... then off for the surgery plus both kids off for march break...also have to take the kids for blood work this week... devon HATES needles.. took 2 nurses plus dean to hold him down last time.. FUN.
well devon wants to get on here... maybe it will entertain him long enough for me to vaccum the main floor... i really dont wanna but i have to... sigh
great now i have the hiccups
till later-
su
Friday, February 13, 2009
my week since wednesday
It's been a busy week.
Wednesday we were in Toronto all day... didnt get out of there until almost 5 and back into Niagara till going on 8!! ( we hit rush hour of course!) it was an extremely LONG day. Our appt was for 11 but we didnt get in there until 1130... broke for a 20 minute lunch, then ended at about 445. you tell me where in Niagara youre going to get two psych appts. for THAT LONG??!! She increased two of devons meds., ordered more bloodwork, ( apparently his iron is really low- because hes NOT EATING) and informed us of all the waiting times etc of all his referals. Russell- she didnt change any meds ( yet) ordered blood work and an mri etc.. waiting time for mri- nine months. also referred him for an evaluation like devon just had. The waiting time for genetics at sick kids is 8 months,... the pediatric neuro- JUNE... and the skelatal/muscular - also june/july.
YAY I didnt have to go to the Bilski's this week,... of course dean said NEXT week for sure... DOH!! he didnt even CAll THEM!!! wow!!! I AM SHOCKED LOL what would he have said to them anyway? she would have said and how are things? how are the boys? what have you been up to? Dean would have said.. everything is fine.. nothing much... boys are fine... nothing new... he doesnt tell them ANYTHING.. which I dont fault him in the slightest... there is NO POINT... they dont understand nor do they TRY or WANT to...these are the same people that told me to put both kids in institutions 2 years ago. so why bother telling them anything? they are heartless and cruel and brainless.
I get to spend Valentines day alone yet again. dean got me a card. YAY. lol it has a picture of a chimpanzee on a toilet with some "witty" comment.. i read it and he had the nerve to say whats wrong after i put it down and proceeded to pick up my book and continued to read it... i said what was I supposed to do? cry? get emotional over a monkey taking a dump? coo over how romantic it is or how much THOUGHT you put INTO IT?!!
geesh.
I got him a cute stuffed animal holding heart candies and a cute card.. I couldnt afford alot this year but at least i bought him something cute.. and i tucked it into his side of the bed where he found it before he got into bed last night.
its not like we werent anywhere that he couldnt even picked up anything small... or even a card that wasnt so ,,, well... STUPID. what are we 12?
yesterday the boys come home from school- russell says devon didnt have his ds on the bus.. i said well he LEFT the house with it in the morning!!! ( dean drove the kids to the bus stop).... dean looks in the car.. nope not there... i check his pockets.. backpack etc... I am yelling omg.. this is the schools brilliant idea... send an autisitic child with a 150 dollar game system t0o keep him calm...and I was mad at dean too.. if he had it when he WENT in the car.. and NOT on the bus... he MUST have dropped it from the car TO the bus... why didnt dean make sure he had it? so I started to yell at dean too.,... then the boy from across the street brings it over.. he found it at the bus stop on the road... it was run over... of course doesnt work... I am freaking.. for one, this is what keeps devon CALM on the bus.. and i was having visions of me taking this kid in the car until grade 8, 2x a day... and two.. i DONT HAVE THE MONEY to replace it... devons crying his eyes out...
after I calm down... apologise to everyone for losing my mind...i got out devons bank... counted out ALL OF HIS MONEY (44 bucks) and he also had an eb games card for 25 bucks from christmas... we call... 4th ave has a used one for 109 bucks... yikes... dean says he will scrape together the rest...dean goes flying out of here to get one AT DINNER TIME.... i said to devon maybe you should really show daddy youre happy and thank him when he comes home... he didnt need to do this.. he could have made you wait till you had ALL the money yourself etc...maybe you could say i love you or youre the best dad ever or something like that...he says he will.
when dean gets home, dean hands him the ds and devon takes it without a word... pops a game in and starts playing.. dean and russell start talking to me... after dean gets the bbq going i said to devon, what do you say to daddy? remember i said you should show him how happy you are? he said like a robot" THANK YOU DAD... I love you.,..YOU ARE THE BEST DAD EVER." monotone and went on playing,...i said wow devon...good to see your excited lol...I told him i wont be doing that again... if he loses it again we wont be running out of here like crazy people and replacing it!!
I made and decorated heart sugar cookies for devons class last night. I hope dean remember to take them in on his way to work!!!
anyway. My mother is supposedly stopping by to get super 7 and 649 money soon... so I am going to read until she gets here...and try enjoy an hour or so to myself before the LONG WEEKEND alone with the kids ( and prob + robbie) sigh....
until later-
Su
Wednesday we were in Toronto all day... didnt get out of there until almost 5 and back into Niagara till going on 8!! ( we hit rush hour of course!) it was an extremely LONG day. Our appt was for 11 but we didnt get in there until 1130... broke for a 20 minute lunch, then ended at about 445. you tell me where in Niagara youre going to get two psych appts. for THAT LONG??!! She increased two of devons meds., ordered more bloodwork, ( apparently his iron is really low- because hes NOT EATING) and informed us of all the waiting times etc of all his referals. Russell- she didnt change any meds ( yet) ordered blood work and an mri etc.. waiting time for mri- nine months. also referred him for an evaluation like devon just had. The waiting time for genetics at sick kids is 8 months,... the pediatric neuro- JUNE... and the skelatal/muscular - also june/july.
YAY I didnt have to go to the Bilski's this week,... of course dean said NEXT week for sure... DOH!! he didnt even CAll THEM!!! wow!!! I AM SHOCKED LOL what would he have said to them anyway? she would have said and how are things? how are the boys? what have you been up to? Dean would have said.. everything is fine.. nothing much... boys are fine... nothing new... he doesnt tell them ANYTHING.. which I dont fault him in the slightest... there is NO POINT... they dont understand nor do they TRY or WANT to...these are the same people that told me to put both kids in institutions 2 years ago. so why bother telling them anything? they are heartless and cruel and brainless.
I get to spend Valentines day alone yet again. dean got me a card. YAY. lol it has a picture of a chimpanzee on a toilet with some "witty" comment.. i read it and he had the nerve to say whats wrong after i put it down and proceeded to pick up my book and continued to read it... i said what was I supposed to do? cry? get emotional over a monkey taking a dump? coo over how romantic it is or how much THOUGHT you put INTO IT?!!
geesh.
I got him a cute stuffed animal holding heart candies and a cute card.. I couldnt afford alot this year but at least i bought him something cute.. and i tucked it into his side of the bed where he found it before he got into bed last night.
its not like we werent anywhere that he couldnt even picked up anything small... or even a card that wasnt so ,,, well... STUPID. what are we 12?
yesterday the boys come home from school- russell says devon didnt have his ds on the bus.. i said well he LEFT the house with it in the morning!!! ( dean drove the kids to the bus stop).... dean looks in the car.. nope not there... i check his pockets.. backpack etc... I am yelling omg.. this is the schools brilliant idea... send an autisitic child with a 150 dollar game system t0o keep him calm...and I was mad at dean too.. if he had it when he WENT in the car.. and NOT on the bus... he MUST have dropped it from the car TO the bus... why didnt dean make sure he had it? so I started to yell at dean too.,... then the boy from across the street brings it over.. he found it at the bus stop on the road... it was run over... of course doesnt work... I am freaking.. for one, this is what keeps devon CALM on the bus.. and i was having visions of me taking this kid in the car until grade 8, 2x a day... and two.. i DONT HAVE THE MONEY to replace it... devons crying his eyes out...
after I calm down... apologise to everyone for losing my mind...i got out devons bank... counted out ALL OF HIS MONEY (44 bucks) and he also had an eb games card for 25 bucks from christmas... we call... 4th ave has a used one for 109 bucks... yikes... dean says he will scrape together the rest...dean goes flying out of here to get one AT DINNER TIME.... i said to devon maybe you should really show daddy youre happy and thank him when he comes home... he didnt need to do this.. he could have made you wait till you had ALL the money yourself etc...maybe you could say i love you or youre the best dad ever or something like that...he says he will.
when dean gets home, dean hands him the ds and devon takes it without a word... pops a game in and starts playing.. dean and russell start talking to me... after dean gets the bbq going i said to devon, what do you say to daddy? remember i said you should show him how happy you are? he said like a robot" THANK YOU DAD... I love you.,..YOU ARE THE BEST DAD EVER." monotone and went on playing,...i said wow devon...good to see your excited lol...I told him i wont be doing that again... if he loses it again we wont be running out of here like crazy people and replacing it!!
I made and decorated heart sugar cookies for devons class last night. I hope dean remember to take them in on his way to work!!!
anyway. My mother is supposedly stopping by to get super 7 and 649 money soon... so I am going to read until she gets here...and try enjoy an hour or so to myself before the LONG WEEKEND alone with the kids ( and prob + robbie) sigh....
until later-
Su
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
going to the Bilski's,,,
Ok
So I am bored.
Dean isnt home yet... he has to drop off or pick up pallates somewhere then go pick up a load of pasta at Ollivera in Hamilton ... then he will head to the yard... THEN he will head home... I can expect him sometime prob around 2ish... ( its 944am) I think my mother is popping by prob. around the same time... by then i will be ready for a sleep....
I supposed I could play video games- but I dont have the energy or feel like it... or read.. but the books i have left are kind of heavy and I am not in the mood... I also have a sink full of dishes but thats Russells job and if I do it then i have to deduct it from his allowance and he didnt have time to do it before school today... I could vaccum... or mop.. or I am sure find countless other Mrs Bilski ( deans mother) like activities to do.. but I didnt get a lot of sleep last night and have a cold.. so feel like crap...( I am sure thats never ever stopped deans mother in 82 years... even in death she will be doing something...."just von second hans.. i cant die yet.. i have to I'ON yo'r UNDERV'ER!!!")
I am sure dean will drag my ass to his parents this week... prob. thursday... after all it was "deanie's" birthday last week... heaven forbid they come up HERE... or have made plans last week when it WAS his birthday... I wish he would go alone... I cant stand going. HE cant stand going... but duty calls...I am sure if his parents werent 82 we wouldnt go so often... ( which actually isnt all that often,... maybe once a month... but it feels like it... I come out of a visit from them feeling like it lasted a week and I did 100 rounds in the ring...emotionally spent. Only so many times you can be blamed for ww2... or hear about those damn jews.. or hear about how they hate this and that... How dean " should have married his OWN kind" how fat i am,.. how I am not like deans dead sister...how perfect his other sister is or how clean her house is..its enough to drive anyone nuts.
I am sure mrs bilski has a wonderful present for deanie... a shirt thats 2 sizes too small... or a bottle of really stinky cologne from avon... and we will be served really horrible stale german cake that you have to stick in your coffee just to soften to be able to slide down your throat without gagging. and I WILL eat it... one because she will MAKE ME... even while telling me how horribly FAT I am she will force feed me because its GERMAN cake, the BEST!!... and TWO... it keeps my mouth busy and out of trouble... otherwise I am liable to say things... like wow you nazi bastard lol
ok so maybe I am being too judgmental. God wouldnt want me to be like that. These people were brainwashed war time... and face it they arent the brightest of people. ( mrs B actually had to ask her son how old he was this year) I have to feel sorry for them... I just want to know why I cant feel sorry for them from a far?? ;)
So I am bored.
Dean isnt home yet... he has to drop off or pick up pallates somewhere then go pick up a load of pasta at Ollivera in Hamilton ... then he will head to the yard... THEN he will head home... I can expect him sometime prob around 2ish... ( its 944am) I think my mother is popping by prob. around the same time... by then i will be ready for a sleep....
I supposed I could play video games- but I dont have the energy or feel like it... or read.. but the books i have left are kind of heavy and I am not in the mood... I also have a sink full of dishes but thats Russells job and if I do it then i have to deduct it from his allowance and he didnt have time to do it before school today... I could vaccum... or mop.. or I am sure find countless other Mrs Bilski ( deans mother) like activities to do.. but I didnt get a lot of sleep last night and have a cold.. so feel like crap...( I am sure thats never ever stopped deans mother in 82 years... even in death she will be doing something...."just von second hans.. i cant die yet.. i have to I'ON yo'r UNDERV'ER!!!")
I am sure dean will drag my ass to his parents this week... prob. thursday... after all it was "deanie's" birthday last week... heaven forbid they come up HERE... or have made plans last week when it WAS his birthday... I wish he would go alone... I cant stand going. HE cant stand going... but duty calls...I am sure if his parents werent 82 we wouldnt go so often... ( which actually isnt all that often,... maybe once a month... but it feels like it... I come out of a visit from them feeling like it lasted a week and I did 100 rounds in the ring...emotionally spent. Only so many times you can be blamed for ww2... or hear about those damn jews.. or hear about how they hate this and that... How dean " should have married his OWN kind" how fat i am,.. how I am not like deans dead sister...how perfect his other sister is or how clean her house is..its enough to drive anyone nuts.
I am sure mrs bilski has a wonderful present for deanie... a shirt thats 2 sizes too small... or a bottle of really stinky cologne from avon... and we will be served really horrible stale german cake that you have to stick in your coffee just to soften to be able to slide down your throat without gagging. and I WILL eat it... one because she will MAKE ME... even while telling me how horribly FAT I am she will force feed me because its GERMAN cake, the BEST!!... and TWO... it keeps my mouth busy and out of trouble... otherwise I am liable to say things... like wow you nazi bastard lol
ok so maybe I am being too judgmental. God wouldnt want me to be like that. These people were brainwashed war time... and face it they arent the brightest of people. ( mrs B actually had to ask her son how old he was this year) I have to feel sorry for them... I just want to know why I cant feel sorry for them from a far?? ;)
Monday, February 9, 2009
...so I AM long winded....
I wasn't going to post anything today.. really I wasn't lol Then I thought if I was going to make a blog perhaps I should give a bit of personal info about who I am... that MAYBE someone out there SOMEONE is going to read this that doesn`t actually "really" know me.
I am a 36 year old woman/wife/mother of two son's who happen to have multiple "challenges" I Grew up In the Niagara area of Southern Ontario- One brother- I went to french immersion from grade 7.. got pretty decent grades when I felt like it :p I started piano lessons at 4 years old... continued until I was turning 16 and I can legally teach if I actually practiced and had the patience anymore... I also played viola for years- even played with the niagara youth orchestra when I was 17 but got told to leave when I aquired a mohawk hairstyle and to come back once it grew in... I never did lol. That about says it all for my attitude in highschool :)
After highschool I went to Cappa school of prof. hairstyling and makeup art. I never completed all the hours for hair although i did get my certificate for make up artistry... at the time i worked in a hair salon during the day and on weekends sang lead in bands and played keyboards. I also had jobs in dead end places just to keep some money coming in... but That was going to be my career- a singer/musician... that was what I always WANTED to do.. what i was GOOD at... everything else was a side line.. Shortly after that I had Russell my first son... and that changed the course of history for me.
Of course when you become a mother its only natural to change, mature and life experience will obviously take you in direction you never thought possible before kids... however... when Russell was born it was totally life altering. I discovered I was a mother of a special needs child. My life was never ever the same again... I was destined never to be a regular mother either. Perhaps I will get into that long long road in another post... right now that is a rambling I really dont feel like getting into to..the readers digest version: we had another son when russell was 6.. he too has special needs.. both kids have multiple diagnoses.. and its taken numerous years and WRONG diagnoses... and some heavy advocating and pushing from my corner to get where we are right now. Let's just say Niagara is NOT the place to be for pediatrics... we currently go to Toronto.. Devon is diagnosed with PDD-NOS+ tourettes and Russell who currently has a dx of bipolar/ocd/adhd/ld's + tics will also be re-evaluated at the toronto western hospital may also be identified with similar spectrum disorders... right now we are also waiting for a referal for genetic testing at sick kids for Devon.. as well as multiple other referals for physical problems he has.
My whole adult life has centered around these kids... yes most parents do centre their life around their kids.. but unlike most... parents of special needs children seem to have NO outside life other than their kids.. believe me I have tried. I went back to college in 1997 for culinary management thinking I would get a life.. become a chef.. get a career and become something other than MOM.... and along came Devon. Not to mention my husband is on the road 4 -5 days a week. I used to be really resentful... not towards the kids.. but life in general for dealing me such a crappy hand..for feeling discontentment etc. I have become resigned. My life isnt crappy at all. God gave me these kids for a reason. He knew what I was capable of. He knew I could handle it. I love my kids and I love being a mother.THIS is my job and its just as rewarding then an outside career could give me. If I was guaranteed a healthy child i would perhaps consider a third... but Noone but God can do that and I really dont know if I want to take that risk and deal with a third all over again... i dont have the energy to be a mother to three special needs kids. Its draining. Between drs. appts and school calling...rages.. drama..therapies..Every aspect of your life feels like its not your own-its a 24 hour a day on call job.. 7 days a week... and noone is coming in to take over your shift.
I have learned over the years to take bits and pieces of time..of little joys... I went from a really big social getter... a lead singer and someone always social, outgoing, trendy etc to someone who appreciates a 10 minute bath with a book in peace and my kids will be 8 and 14 in April ( its not like I have babies/toddlers) I appreciate and value the little things now... when the kids get along and interact.. when they smile and laugh... when i get good daily reports from ea's at school... when they are able to have friends over and actually PLAY or interact with a peer. When Russell empties the dishwasher, shovels the snow or does a load of laundry!! When Devon actually makes "contact" with ME ( puts an arm around me or says i love you or just even how are you?!)...or when he has a good bus ride home. When my husband comes home on a tuesday and puts his arms around me after not being home for almost 5 days. These are my joys and triumphs. They may seem small and insignificant to most.. but they mean the world to me, esp. knowing how far we have come.
I do find it hard to find a balance... in the sense that I cant talk "shop" to " normal" parents... they look at you like you have lost your friggen mind... they offer you the craziest advice or they will run very fast never to be seen from again...Its a fact- the human race are the most judgmental bunch and parents are the worst. But in the same sense I DONT want to talk shop all the time- therefore I dont want to sign up for every support group there is and talk talk talk all the time about meds, symptoms and disorders... i would love to have just a friend or two who understands where i am coming from... where my kids can BE themselves.. not judged.. where i can say certain things out of the blue about autism or mental illness and they TRULY get it.. not just empathize or TRY to... and then we MOVE ON..and maybe THEY have kids that MY kids can play with too...a parent who GETS it.. but who doesnt want to sit there and talk about the latest in therapies and meds 24 hours a day...but if it comes up its welcomed... its hard to explain. I want another parent(s) who doesnt try and pull their kids in the house when they see mine coming down the street... maybe one that is willing to educate themselves... to read about autism and other disorders... to know hey thats just part of his disorder... that kid's NOT mean or a brat or a potential serial killer.. and we arent bad parents!!!( WEIRD DEFINATELY BAD NO lol)
I am sick of being a hermit where ever we go.. and I am sick of watching devon esp. being treated like the hunchback of notre dame. I am sick of having the feeling of wanting to explain that my son has autism/tourettes or "something wrong" when he acts differently or odd in public... if he tics.. or has incoherent speech, rages.. or no eye contact..or gets into someones face or too close...or just plain acts DEVON WEIRD lol. why SHOULD I? is it ANYONES business? who is it really effecting if my child wants to shout fart fart fart or makes weird faces and head jerks in the drs office???? But as a mother I am embarrassed FOR HIM... never BECAUSE of him... but embarrassed because of others reactions TO him. yes.. thats MY problem i suppose... but tell me that wouldnt be YOUR problem TOO if YOU were the parent/mother of a child like this...all the times i think what is my child thinking when people stare?? or comment?? The mother bear kicks into overdrive and my gut reaction would be to tell them all to go to hell... but instead i quietly tell my son shhh,.. devon youre really loud..( like he can control a tic lol) or personal space... or if hes raging and screaming, i smile like I am june cleaver and say " my son has autism"
When we are home as a family we dont notice alot of what outsiders would prob. look at and think omg this family is NUTS... tics and other weird behaviours go generally unnoticed or looked at withA LOT of humour here. This is the safe zone. Russell acts TOTALLY different with us then he does in public.. in public hes subdued... even quiet when he really tries or doesnt know the person... but russell is also alot older and has learned over the years how to supress certain tics and other ocd etc. symptoms. At home hes like a flea or a tick.. bouncing off the wall, body jerking with tics and talking a million miles a minute.. his facial expressions so over exagerated you cant help think a trick wind will make his face stay that way...he plays weird ocd games where he tries and beats it to the stairs before the door closes or can close the cupboards "symetrically" before the freezer does to make himself feel better. devon eats with his hands and food flies out because he wont SHUT UP long enough to actually swallow and you have to redirect him 100% of the time. he rambles on and on about NOTHING...ALL the time and you have get into his face and make eye contact with him ( or TRY to) just to get a word in.So I have TWO kids talking NON STOP over each other really really FAST and LOUDLY, constantly. It takes devon AND russell at least an hour to accomplish a 10 minute task... so if u need to be somewhere and u need to have them ready be prepared to start 2 hours AHEAD.. and NO I am not saying this to be funny. My mornings are set in stone with routine.. and I am the drill seargent/referee/director... i feel like one of those guys on an air strip with the two lights/ and head set guiding the planes in... i am exhausted by 8am once the bus comes. so- I come home.. and if Dean isnt home i get on the computer with my coffee and read the news and facebook and have downtime... if deans home we have coffee and talk before we go out and run around... but i make SURE I have downtime..Dean and I even slip in a nap or two here and there.... cuddle.. talk... our time. who cares if its 1oam? lol when dean isnt home i read... ALOT... once the kids are asleep i tend to read for hours.. or I take a long jaccuzzi and read...or I get on the computer THEN I read lol.I still love to cook and entertain...or just have people over for coffee... I also go on cleaning binges where i pull apart and organize things like crazy in here.. mostly in the cold months.. I would love to get an outside job even a day or two a week but with dean on the road so much and with the kids right now it just isnt possible. I wish Dean was home more often but I have learned to cope over the past 13 years...and i havent ruled out 6/49 yet ;)
anyway.. this isnt a BLOG its a bloody NOVEL. and I am giving up my READING time... and I am sure all of you ( yeah the 1 or 2 of u who are actually reading this.. or actually got to the end of this lol) are thinking wow Su... you DO ramble...
Its supposed to be 12 degrees tomorrow.. I am hoping the rest of the snow is gone... you know we are going to get hit again with another huge storm in a week or so... sigh... I wish we could just skip the next 2 months... however 2009 is already going by quickly... mid feb already??? WOW.
dean comes home tomorrow... hes running really really late this week. he didnt get out of miami until 930 pm saturday night... which is LATE,. hes usually out of there in the early afternoon, so hes not even out of PA yet and its midnight.... needless to say hes extremely tired right now... and hes still got to go all the way to toronto and unload before he can crash.... poor guy. I think he had a whole 4 hours sleep last night too. we have to go up to Toronto wednesday,.. both kids have appts at the tourettes clinic.. devon at 11am and russell at 1.. so we wont be out of there till 4 or so... its going to be a long day!!
anyway... until next time...
Su
I am a 36 year old woman/wife/mother of two son's who happen to have multiple "challenges" I Grew up In the Niagara area of Southern Ontario- One brother- I went to french immersion from grade 7.. got pretty decent grades when I felt like it :p I started piano lessons at 4 years old... continued until I was turning 16 and I can legally teach if I actually practiced and had the patience anymore... I also played viola for years- even played with the niagara youth orchestra when I was 17 but got told to leave when I aquired a mohawk hairstyle and to come back once it grew in... I never did lol. That about says it all for my attitude in highschool :)
After highschool I went to Cappa school of prof. hairstyling and makeup art. I never completed all the hours for hair although i did get my certificate for make up artistry... at the time i worked in a hair salon during the day and on weekends sang lead in bands and played keyboards. I also had jobs in dead end places just to keep some money coming in... but That was going to be my career- a singer/musician... that was what I always WANTED to do.. what i was GOOD at... everything else was a side line.. Shortly after that I had Russell my first son... and that changed the course of history for me.
Of course when you become a mother its only natural to change, mature and life experience will obviously take you in direction you never thought possible before kids... however... when Russell was born it was totally life altering. I discovered I was a mother of a special needs child. My life was never ever the same again... I was destined never to be a regular mother either. Perhaps I will get into that long long road in another post... right now that is a rambling I really dont feel like getting into to..the readers digest version: we had another son when russell was 6.. he too has special needs.. both kids have multiple diagnoses.. and its taken numerous years and WRONG diagnoses... and some heavy advocating and pushing from my corner to get where we are right now. Let's just say Niagara is NOT the place to be for pediatrics... we currently go to Toronto.. Devon is diagnosed with PDD-NOS+ tourettes and Russell who currently has a dx of bipolar/ocd/adhd/ld's + tics will also be re-evaluated at the toronto western hospital may also be identified with similar spectrum disorders... right now we are also waiting for a referal for genetic testing at sick kids for Devon.. as well as multiple other referals for physical problems he has.
My whole adult life has centered around these kids... yes most parents do centre their life around their kids.. but unlike most... parents of special needs children seem to have NO outside life other than their kids.. believe me I have tried. I went back to college in 1997 for culinary management thinking I would get a life.. become a chef.. get a career and become something other than MOM.... and along came Devon. Not to mention my husband is on the road 4 -5 days a week. I used to be really resentful... not towards the kids.. but life in general for dealing me such a crappy hand..for feeling discontentment etc. I have become resigned. My life isnt crappy at all. God gave me these kids for a reason. He knew what I was capable of. He knew I could handle it. I love my kids and I love being a mother.THIS is my job and its just as rewarding then an outside career could give me. If I was guaranteed a healthy child i would perhaps consider a third... but Noone but God can do that and I really dont know if I want to take that risk and deal with a third all over again... i dont have the energy to be a mother to three special needs kids. Its draining. Between drs. appts and school calling...rages.. drama..therapies..Every aspect of your life feels like its not your own-its a 24 hour a day on call job.. 7 days a week... and noone is coming in to take over your shift.
I have learned over the years to take bits and pieces of time..of little joys... I went from a really big social getter... a lead singer and someone always social, outgoing, trendy etc to someone who appreciates a 10 minute bath with a book in peace and my kids will be 8 and 14 in April ( its not like I have babies/toddlers) I appreciate and value the little things now... when the kids get along and interact.. when they smile and laugh... when i get good daily reports from ea's at school... when they are able to have friends over and actually PLAY or interact with a peer. When Russell empties the dishwasher, shovels the snow or does a load of laundry!! When Devon actually makes "contact" with ME ( puts an arm around me or says i love you or just even how are you?!)...or when he has a good bus ride home. When my husband comes home on a tuesday and puts his arms around me after not being home for almost 5 days. These are my joys and triumphs. They may seem small and insignificant to most.. but they mean the world to me, esp. knowing how far we have come.
I do find it hard to find a balance... in the sense that I cant talk "shop" to " normal" parents... they look at you like you have lost your friggen mind... they offer you the craziest advice or they will run very fast never to be seen from again...Its a fact- the human race are the most judgmental bunch and parents are the worst. But in the same sense I DONT want to talk shop all the time- therefore I dont want to sign up for every support group there is and talk talk talk all the time about meds, symptoms and disorders... i would love to have just a friend or two who understands where i am coming from... where my kids can BE themselves.. not judged.. where i can say certain things out of the blue about autism or mental illness and they TRULY get it.. not just empathize or TRY to... and then we MOVE ON..and maybe THEY have kids that MY kids can play with too...a parent who GETS it.. but who doesnt want to sit there and talk about the latest in therapies and meds 24 hours a day...but if it comes up its welcomed... its hard to explain. I want another parent(s) who doesnt try and pull their kids in the house when they see mine coming down the street... maybe one that is willing to educate themselves... to read about autism and other disorders... to know hey thats just part of his disorder... that kid's NOT mean or a brat or a potential serial killer.. and we arent bad parents!!!( WEIRD DEFINATELY BAD NO lol)
I am sick of being a hermit where ever we go.. and I am sick of watching devon esp. being treated like the hunchback of notre dame. I am sick of having the feeling of wanting to explain that my son has autism/tourettes or "something wrong" when he acts differently or odd in public... if he tics.. or has incoherent speech, rages.. or no eye contact..or gets into someones face or too close...or just plain acts DEVON WEIRD lol. why SHOULD I? is it ANYONES business? who is it really effecting if my child wants to shout fart fart fart or makes weird faces and head jerks in the drs office???? But as a mother I am embarrassed FOR HIM... never BECAUSE of him... but embarrassed because of others reactions TO him. yes.. thats MY problem i suppose... but tell me that wouldnt be YOUR problem TOO if YOU were the parent/mother of a child like this...all the times i think what is my child thinking when people stare?? or comment?? The mother bear kicks into overdrive and my gut reaction would be to tell them all to go to hell... but instead i quietly tell my son shhh,.. devon youre really loud..( like he can control a tic lol) or personal space... or if hes raging and screaming, i smile like I am june cleaver and say " my son has autism"
When we are home as a family we dont notice alot of what outsiders would prob. look at and think omg this family is NUTS... tics and other weird behaviours go generally unnoticed or looked at withA LOT of humour here. This is the safe zone. Russell acts TOTALLY different with us then he does in public.. in public hes subdued... even quiet when he really tries or doesnt know the person... but russell is also alot older and has learned over the years how to supress certain tics and other ocd etc. symptoms. At home hes like a flea or a tick.. bouncing off the wall, body jerking with tics and talking a million miles a minute.. his facial expressions so over exagerated you cant help think a trick wind will make his face stay that way...he plays weird ocd games where he tries and beats it to the stairs before the door closes or can close the cupboards "symetrically" before the freezer does to make himself feel better. devon eats with his hands and food flies out because he wont SHUT UP long enough to actually swallow and you have to redirect him 100% of the time. he rambles on and on about NOTHING...ALL the time and you have get into his face and make eye contact with him ( or TRY to) just to get a word in.So I have TWO kids talking NON STOP over each other really really FAST and LOUDLY, constantly. It takes devon AND russell at least an hour to accomplish a 10 minute task... so if u need to be somewhere and u need to have them ready be prepared to start 2 hours AHEAD.. and NO I am not saying this to be funny. My mornings are set in stone with routine.. and I am the drill seargent/referee/director... i feel like one of those guys on an air strip with the two lights/ and head set guiding the planes in... i am exhausted by 8am once the bus comes. so- I come home.. and if Dean isnt home i get on the computer with my coffee and read the news and facebook and have downtime... if deans home we have coffee and talk before we go out and run around... but i make SURE I have downtime..Dean and I even slip in a nap or two here and there.... cuddle.. talk... our time. who cares if its 1oam? lol when dean isnt home i read... ALOT... once the kids are asleep i tend to read for hours.. or I take a long jaccuzzi and read...or I get on the computer THEN I read lol.I still love to cook and entertain...or just have people over for coffee... I also go on cleaning binges where i pull apart and organize things like crazy in here.. mostly in the cold months.. I would love to get an outside job even a day or two a week but with dean on the road so much and with the kids right now it just isnt possible. I wish Dean was home more often but I have learned to cope over the past 13 years...and i havent ruled out 6/49 yet ;)
anyway.. this isnt a BLOG its a bloody NOVEL. and I am giving up my READING time... and I am sure all of you ( yeah the 1 or 2 of u who are actually reading this.. or actually got to the end of this lol) are thinking wow Su... you DO ramble...
Its supposed to be 12 degrees tomorrow.. I am hoping the rest of the snow is gone... you know we are going to get hit again with another huge storm in a week or so... sigh... I wish we could just skip the next 2 months... however 2009 is already going by quickly... mid feb already??? WOW.
dean comes home tomorrow... hes running really really late this week. he didnt get out of miami until 930 pm saturday night... which is LATE,. hes usually out of there in the early afternoon, so hes not even out of PA yet and its midnight.... needless to say hes extremely tired right now... and hes still got to go all the way to toronto and unload before he can crash.... poor guy. I think he had a whole 4 hours sleep last night too. we have to go up to Toronto wednesday,.. both kids have appts at the tourettes clinic.. devon at 11am and russell at 1.. so we wont be out of there till 4 or so... its going to be a long day!!
anyway... until next time...
Su
my first blog
So instead of creating a new journal- or basically pages and pages of "ramblings" in "word perfect" on this NEW computer, that will never make it to a book in the near future , I have decided my brother ( and millions before him) might have the right idea.. type/blog my random thoughts.
I cant say I LIKE this idea a whole lot. I was HAPPY with the idea that all MY ideas/words were "safe" in word perfect... tucked away under password.. only accessible if I chose them to be... I have so many pages- poems, thoughts, random ideas over the years that I had so carefully written even when " blogging" wasn't in vogue. If I wanted to share these ideas then I carefully would copy and paste them into carefully chosen emails and then sent to carefully chosen people. I don't know.. perhaps I should give up on the idea of a "book" this many years later... there doesn't seem to be an ending.,,its a book or "rambling" of my life.. so therefore it was never ending project. How DID I ever expect it to be finished? If I choose in the future at some point to actually do something about it well, who in the heck is REALLY going to read this blog anyway? lol
For those who DO know me and WILL read this they prob. already have read my ramblings from years gone by... or perhaps not... perhaps I will copy and paste things from my old computer once i figure out how to get them OFF of there lol. For those who know me as well, you KNOW I have a tendency to ramble.. my emails can get incredibly long winded ( esp in the middle the night).. so maybe this is a good thing... I can type what I have to say on HERE and well, MAYBE if I get it out I wont feel the need to flood your inbox with more incessant ramblings...:) then again this is ME so dont hold your breath ;p not to mention that although this is my blog, and my thoughts, its not a forum for me to take liberties to air all sorts of private things, secrets and the like for everyone to see either. If I choose to say something personal about me or my private life thats my business but it can get really sticky once you start talking about 3rd parties... this isnt a "journal" anymore protected by password.
anyhow- its 348am. I got "kicked" out of bed by devon.. who rolled over and left me no room on my queen size bed.. and when i woke up my left foot was totally asleep- no not the regular pins and needles sleep- the throbbing topamax pain of "totally asleep" so I sat up rubbing it.. then i realize i was wheezing.. then I started to cough.. then i had to blow my nose ( thanks Vicky) and then i had to go to the bathroom... then i thought great.. its only a little after 2 and I am up. Of course its a school day too.. alarm goes off promptly at 6am.. If i ever decided to get off the computer i will sneak back for a quick nap before the alarm goes off..
I dont have alot to do today- I have some forms for Russells drs appt in Toronto wednesday I have to finish that I have been avoiding... and i have three book shelves to put together now. Its usually on days where I DONT have anything planned that the school calls me or something comes up in some form of chaos...God forbid a day go by that goes by undetected on the drama radar.
perhaps if I get a chance and I feel insightful or something else i may blog later... who knows. For now I am crawling back into bed with the dog, cat and youngest kid and hope the two more hours before the alarm goes off is enough to make me pleasant and rested enough to deal with these two kids and what they can " throw" at me in the morning routine...
Su
I cant say I LIKE this idea a whole lot. I was HAPPY with the idea that all MY ideas/words were "safe" in word perfect... tucked away under password.. only accessible if I chose them to be... I have so many pages- poems, thoughts, random ideas over the years that I had so carefully written even when " blogging" wasn't in vogue. If I wanted to share these ideas then I carefully would copy and paste them into carefully chosen emails and then sent to carefully chosen people. I don't know.. perhaps I should give up on the idea of a "book" this many years later... there doesn't seem to be an ending.,,its a book or "rambling" of my life.. so therefore it was never ending project. How DID I ever expect it to be finished? If I choose in the future at some point to actually do something about it well, who in the heck is REALLY going to read this blog anyway? lol
For those who DO know me and WILL read this they prob. already have read my ramblings from years gone by... or perhaps not... perhaps I will copy and paste things from my old computer once i figure out how to get them OFF of there lol. For those who know me as well, you KNOW I have a tendency to ramble.. my emails can get incredibly long winded ( esp in the middle the night).. so maybe this is a good thing... I can type what I have to say on HERE and well, MAYBE if I get it out I wont feel the need to flood your inbox with more incessant ramblings...:) then again this is ME so dont hold your breath ;p not to mention that although this is my blog, and my thoughts, its not a forum for me to take liberties to air all sorts of private things, secrets and the like for everyone to see either. If I choose to say something personal about me or my private life thats my business but it can get really sticky once you start talking about 3rd parties... this isnt a "journal" anymore protected by password.
anyhow- its 348am. I got "kicked" out of bed by devon.. who rolled over and left me no room on my queen size bed.. and when i woke up my left foot was totally asleep- no not the regular pins and needles sleep- the throbbing topamax pain of "totally asleep" so I sat up rubbing it.. then i realize i was wheezing.. then I started to cough.. then i had to blow my nose ( thanks Vicky) and then i had to go to the bathroom... then i thought great.. its only a little after 2 and I am up. Of course its a school day too.. alarm goes off promptly at 6am.. If i ever decided to get off the computer i will sneak back for a quick nap before the alarm goes off..
I dont have alot to do today- I have some forms for Russells drs appt in Toronto wednesday I have to finish that I have been avoiding... and i have three book shelves to put together now. Its usually on days where I DONT have anything planned that the school calls me or something comes up in some form of chaos...God forbid a day go by that goes by undetected on the drama radar.
perhaps if I get a chance and I feel insightful or something else i may blog later... who knows. For now I am crawling back into bed with the dog, cat and youngest kid and hope the two more hours before the alarm goes off is enough to make me pleasant and rested enough to deal with these two kids and what they can " throw" at me in the morning routine...
Su
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