Felt like complete crap this week... I feel like I have been in a wrestling match with a grape harvester... had to get an emergency appt with the massage therapist on wed. because i couldnt even walk because of my back and hip- pulled something monday morning- dont think it helped i was on my hands and knees cleaning the carpets sunday night... so- halloween comes- have had devon home ALL WEEK except friday from school... my mother comes over.. I am NOT in a good mood- my back is killing me, kids are grating on my nerves big time... ( and have robbie over too) and what do i go and do??? I go to go next door ( we are all hanging out there to hand out candy)... I grab my extra large stainless steel bowl which is almost over flowing with candy and FALL DOWN my front stairs.. yes on my bad side right on the shoulder, hip, leg and arm... yes I am becoming my mother... hadnt even had a drop to drink ( yet lol) scraped all my hand up.. shin is scraped and turning red... and candy fucking everywhere....so what do I do then? I make sure I am not spurting blood anywhere, that i havent broken anything and I could stand up... picked up the candy... dropped it off next door, put bandages on my hand... grabbed a bottle of wine and a glass and went next door and proceeded to polish off said wine and more while my mother took devon around the street.
we all ended up in the redneck bar down here- but I was somehow home by 1130?? wow.. there was a time when i didnt even go OUT until 1130 lolol...took an alieve, went to bed and woke up at 7... feeling like a mac truck had snuck into my bedroom and run me fucking over...didnt have a hangover THANK FUCKING GOD lol.. but i would have rather had a hangover then the aches and pains my whole body feels right now.
ended up at my mothers at 330 after dropping robbie home and then erin and jim came over and we all had pizza and wings.. i ended up leaving early because i just couldnt handle the pain anymore- and my stomach was killing me ( dont ever have 2 bowls of cabbage soup after a night of drinking lolol) so I came home got devon in bed in record time and was OUT for the night by 730. woke up at 4,.. I dont even think dean believed me when I said i was going to bed at 730... but fuck i was tired and worn out.
cant wait for christmas! :p
Monday, November 2, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
geesh... I was so friggen tired yesterday I could have napped on and off all day ( had devon NOT been home and wanted my attention all day... sigh) and here I am up at 430am now... having gone to bed at 1115. why is this? I will be tired again in 2 hours.
going to keep devon home again- not that hes not raring to go and hopping around as usual, but he still looks like crap and coughing all the time... I am sure even if I DID send him the school would be calling me. All this media hype about this swine flu is leaving me confused and scared... esp now that this 13 year old died... and then the 10 year old from ottawa on the weekend... both started to feel better than WHAM... so how do I know if devon just has a seasonal cold or flu or something worse? even if i DID take him to a clinic or dr that would say to just keep him home and treat it like the flu... that poor 13 year old went to the clinic sunday and dead on monday , the drs having told the father to go home and dr him with over the counter stuff and plenty of fluids...and how do I know that devon doesnt have some underlying chronic illness? just LOOK at him... and he has a perpetual runny nose from sept. - april... sigh,..
because I am keeping devon home I have no CLUE how we are going to run errands.. do I make dean do it all and I stay home? he still has to go to the bank.. I cant do that for him... and I have an appt with the massage therapist at 115. except for literally maybe an hour I have been home since last thursday.. I myself am getting cabin fever.. and i am hacking as usual..and so so tired... which scares me.. I usually dont feel this whipped with just my usual cold gone into my chest thing.. i want to nap all the time now and I have been "sick"since 2 days after Thanksgiving.
damn this whole h1n1 crap.
going to keep devon home again- not that hes not raring to go and hopping around as usual, but he still looks like crap and coughing all the time... I am sure even if I DID send him the school would be calling me. All this media hype about this swine flu is leaving me confused and scared... esp now that this 13 year old died... and then the 10 year old from ottawa on the weekend... both started to feel better than WHAM... so how do I know if devon just has a seasonal cold or flu or something worse? even if i DID take him to a clinic or dr that would say to just keep him home and treat it like the flu... that poor 13 year old went to the clinic sunday and dead on monday , the drs having told the father to go home and dr him with over the counter stuff and plenty of fluids...and how do I know that devon doesnt have some underlying chronic illness? just LOOK at him... and he has a perpetual runny nose from sept. - april... sigh,..
because I am keeping devon home I have no CLUE how we are going to run errands.. do I make dean do it all and I stay home? he still has to go to the bank.. I cant do that for him... and I have an appt with the massage therapist at 115. except for literally maybe an hour I have been home since last thursday.. I myself am getting cabin fever.. and i am hacking as usual..and so so tired... which scares me.. I usually dont feel this whipped with just my usual cold gone into my chest thing.. i want to nap all the time now and I have been "sick"since 2 days after Thanksgiving.
damn this whole h1n1 crap.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
YAY it's Tuesday! lol. Dean is coming home... all shall be well :p
Threw my back out yesterday morning.. lower left side this time... I was reaching for the milk in the fridge and I felt the burn and spasm... been walking around like an old lady ever since... stairs of course are worse... trying to stretch the are out and have had two jaccuzis and aleive but this morning wow. Taking mum's massage therapist appt for tomorrow or I may not be walking by thursday. Doesn't help I am coughing and its spasming.. or that I steam cleaned the carpets the night before...prob contributed.
Devon has been sick since Friday. it was a very very very quiet weekend :) :P. He basically slept the entire weekend but seemed whiny and getting back to his usual demanding, moody self by last night... and he doesnt seem hot now. which is good but boy was it calm and peaceful here all weekend ;p he's still coughing and really pale so I will keep him home at least one more day... wouldnt want him to miss Halloween, that would suck.
I still feel a bit whipped... still coughing.. still tired.. we were supposed to go to sick kids today for devon's mri but I had to cancel.. even if he wasn;t sick they have major probs with people hacking in the hospital..They put is on their cancellation list which they said could be another 6 months...we waited to get THIS appt from march,... geesh by the time he gets an mri he will be 9, waiting from the time he was 7...knowing MY luck, the next appt I will be sick with something NEW lol
I will write later- its 638 and russell's been in the shower since 615... better get him going or he will miss the bus,...
Su
Threw my back out yesterday morning.. lower left side this time... I was reaching for the milk in the fridge and I felt the burn and spasm... been walking around like an old lady ever since... stairs of course are worse... trying to stretch the are out and have had two jaccuzis and aleive but this morning wow. Taking mum's massage therapist appt for tomorrow or I may not be walking by thursday. Doesn't help I am coughing and its spasming.. or that I steam cleaned the carpets the night before...prob contributed.
Devon has been sick since Friday. it was a very very very quiet weekend :) :P. He basically slept the entire weekend but seemed whiny and getting back to his usual demanding, moody self by last night... and he doesnt seem hot now. which is good but boy was it calm and peaceful here all weekend ;p he's still coughing and really pale so I will keep him home at least one more day... wouldnt want him to miss Halloween, that would suck.
I still feel a bit whipped... still coughing.. still tired.. we were supposed to go to sick kids today for devon's mri but I had to cancel.. even if he wasn;t sick they have major probs with people hacking in the hospital..They put is on their cancellation list which they said could be another 6 months...we waited to get THIS appt from march,... geesh by the time he gets an mri he will be 9, waiting from the time he was 7...knowing MY luck, the next appt I will be sick with something NEW lol
I will write later- its 638 and russell's been in the shower since 615... better get him going or he will miss the bus,...
Su
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I see a pattern here... blog all the time... then don't blog for weeks... actually I don't get a lot of computer time... between the kids and other kids coming in here I get a few minutes here and there and not really enough time to sit and write anything.. even this morning ( its 557am) I have to get russell up in a couple of minutes.. than devon and start the day rolling...
I have barely slept this week... between post nasal drip at night making me wheeze, cough and gag... or the dog.. or cat.. or my bladder or kids, I jump up after having only gone to bed a couple of hours before. Last night I went to bed at 1230,... listening to my lungs and throat crack, pop and sound like a dying bag pipe... i finally fell asleep a little after 1 only to be waken up at 415,,. i really contemplated trying really hard to go back to sleep then said to myself fuck it,..I hear my alarm going off in my room right now- for 6am. I then feel guilty cuz dean will come home today and tonight i will be exhausted and prob. fall asleep by 9 on the couch- but at least tuesdays dean is exhausted too.
I just finished paying the utilities and bills online... there goes my child tax credit- but at least telus, water, gas and visa is paid for the month- dean will have to pay hydro- just cant swing another 270 odd bucks :p we have to cough up $250 for devons therapy some how too- and russell needs 40 today for a class trip for drama to toronto next week... plus I am getting my hair cut this morning AND need to get something at the butcher for dinner. sigh... why oh why didnt we win lotto max on the weekend?! 25 million would have sure come in handy! :) on the bright side we managed to only go into overdraft 2.71 cents in our joint account even WITH having dean home and paying for meds... so thats def. a plus! i was really fucking dreading looking at the balance this morning... not looking forward to christmas.... if it werent for that we would keep our head just above water... sigh I wish someone could hand me a job monday, tuesday and fridays between 9 and 3 :p that would be absolutely perfect... esp if russell goes and gets himself a job soon- my child tax credit will then be reduced by a couple hundred because of his disability.. once he starts work its cut off.. which is ironic.. cuz its not like his med bills go away!!! but according to the gov't if hes capable of working than his disabilites just seem to disappear into thin air...and the fact we no longer have any medical benefits.. yeah that makes it so much easier.
I dont want to go wake russell.. i wish i had an intercom yeah i am that lazy ( and tired! lol) i figure i have about 5 minutes until i have to scramble... he has to be out at the bus for 20 after 7..
I wish dean didnt have to go back to work this week- it was so nice having him home for a whole week. It would be nice if we saw each other every night...
I am going to be so dead on my feet by the time i get home after my errands and appts today.. I am already tired and every joint in my body is aching,..
well i must be off- otherwise russell would sleep till noon- lol
Su
I have barely slept this week... between post nasal drip at night making me wheeze, cough and gag... or the dog.. or cat.. or my bladder or kids, I jump up after having only gone to bed a couple of hours before. Last night I went to bed at 1230,... listening to my lungs and throat crack, pop and sound like a dying bag pipe... i finally fell asleep a little after 1 only to be waken up at 415,,. i really contemplated trying really hard to go back to sleep then said to myself fuck it,..I hear my alarm going off in my room right now- for 6am. I then feel guilty cuz dean will come home today and tonight i will be exhausted and prob. fall asleep by 9 on the couch- but at least tuesdays dean is exhausted too.
I just finished paying the utilities and bills online... there goes my child tax credit- but at least telus, water, gas and visa is paid for the month- dean will have to pay hydro- just cant swing another 270 odd bucks :p we have to cough up $250 for devons therapy some how too- and russell needs 40 today for a class trip for drama to toronto next week... plus I am getting my hair cut this morning AND need to get something at the butcher for dinner. sigh... why oh why didnt we win lotto max on the weekend?! 25 million would have sure come in handy! :) on the bright side we managed to only go into overdraft 2.71 cents in our joint account even WITH having dean home and paying for meds... so thats def. a plus! i was really fucking dreading looking at the balance this morning... not looking forward to christmas.... if it werent for that we would keep our head just above water... sigh I wish someone could hand me a job monday, tuesday and fridays between 9 and 3 :p that would be absolutely perfect... esp if russell goes and gets himself a job soon- my child tax credit will then be reduced by a couple hundred because of his disability.. once he starts work its cut off.. which is ironic.. cuz its not like his med bills go away!!! but according to the gov't if hes capable of working than his disabilites just seem to disappear into thin air...and the fact we no longer have any medical benefits.. yeah that makes it so much easier.
I dont want to go wake russell.. i wish i had an intercom yeah i am that lazy ( and tired! lol) i figure i have about 5 minutes until i have to scramble... he has to be out at the bus for 20 after 7..
I wish dean didnt have to go back to work this week- it was so nice having him home for a whole week. It would be nice if we saw each other every night...
I am going to be so dead on my feet by the time i get home after my errands and appts today.. I am already tired and every joint in my body is aching,..
well i must be off- otherwise russell would sleep till noon- lol
Su
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
This is shaping up to be a very very long week...
dean of course is having another shitty week with the truck he has- hes on week two with this truck that has no a/c ( its 110 in florida) and one gas tank ( the other had plastic and cardboard stuck in it) so this made him late.. and of course andy had a ton of picks for him. oh and last night his phone broke.
Devon has a broken arm... did it on saturday. He was in his usual fine mood, attacking his friend, running, screaming etc.. and he ran into the games room and slammed the door.. i went up to see what desctruction he was wreaking and opened the door.. he was behind it- apparently with his right arm raised. sigh. it didnt even swell or bruise, plus he could move his fingers and wrist. Dr. said it just had to be the way his arm was up on an angle.. its a small crack, not a clean cut break. So now I have a kid that cant do anything since its his right arm including getting dressed or go to the bathroom. Joy. I am actually shocked that he hasnt broken something before the way he leaps, jumps and doesnt pay attention not to mention his lack of coordination. ( I better knock on some wood here!)
I am trying to convince Dean to take off Thanksgiving week ( not this trip but the trip after). He needs a break and so do I. If he takes it off he will be off when the kids have their 4 day weekend, be home for thanksgiving dinner for the first time in 13 years, and get to go to balls falls festival. I hope he says yes. He wouldnt get a vacation until christmas otherwise and he needs to have a break from the crap hes dealing with and I need to see him longer than 2 days. ( and so do his kids! :)
I hope dean gets home earlyish today and since his phone is broken, I have NO clue. I should be doing something in here, I have laundry to put away, things to tidy etc but I keep putting it off. I dont even know what i am going to make for dinner. Guess I better get something out soon if I want it defrosted. I have been sitting here since I took the kids in this morning playing plants vs zombies... really productive! :p ( Thanks kathy! lol)
I wrote a long email to a friend of my mothers niece who does aba and ibi therapy and sensory intergration... gave her my #... wonder if she will get back to me. I can only imagine how much it costs... other places around here are around the 25--30 dollar and hour mark. Anything is worth a shot finding out about but It just seems like everyone I have called or emailed either doesnt get back to me or cant help. He finally goes for his mri next month ( oct). at sick kids. we have been waiting since february. Hes going under anesthetic.. this should be fun!We also have an appt with dr shapir oct. 7th. We took the kids to dr sassi last week ( the eye dr) and he said again, devon has a mild prescription but do I honestly think he would keep the glasses on for more than an hour? So he recommended we hold out till it gets significant. Poor kid. seems things only gets worse as time goes on.
ok- one more round :) and I should do something in here before dean gets home cuz then i will have NO time.
ttfn
dean of course is having another shitty week with the truck he has- hes on week two with this truck that has no a/c ( its 110 in florida) and one gas tank ( the other had plastic and cardboard stuck in it) so this made him late.. and of course andy had a ton of picks for him. oh and last night his phone broke.
Devon has a broken arm... did it on saturday. He was in his usual fine mood, attacking his friend, running, screaming etc.. and he ran into the games room and slammed the door.. i went up to see what desctruction he was wreaking and opened the door.. he was behind it- apparently with his right arm raised. sigh. it didnt even swell or bruise, plus he could move his fingers and wrist. Dr. said it just had to be the way his arm was up on an angle.. its a small crack, not a clean cut break. So now I have a kid that cant do anything since its his right arm including getting dressed or go to the bathroom. Joy. I am actually shocked that he hasnt broken something before the way he leaps, jumps and doesnt pay attention not to mention his lack of coordination. ( I better knock on some wood here!)
I am trying to convince Dean to take off Thanksgiving week ( not this trip but the trip after). He needs a break and so do I. If he takes it off he will be off when the kids have their 4 day weekend, be home for thanksgiving dinner for the first time in 13 years, and get to go to balls falls festival. I hope he says yes. He wouldnt get a vacation until christmas otherwise and he needs to have a break from the crap hes dealing with and I need to see him longer than 2 days. ( and so do his kids! :)
I hope dean gets home earlyish today and since his phone is broken, I have NO clue. I should be doing something in here, I have laundry to put away, things to tidy etc but I keep putting it off. I dont even know what i am going to make for dinner. Guess I better get something out soon if I want it defrosted. I have been sitting here since I took the kids in this morning playing plants vs zombies... really productive! :p ( Thanks kathy! lol)
I wrote a long email to a friend of my mothers niece who does aba and ibi therapy and sensory intergration... gave her my #... wonder if she will get back to me. I can only imagine how much it costs... other places around here are around the 25--30 dollar and hour mark. Anything is worth a shot finding out about but It just seems like everyone I have called or emailed either doesnt get back to me or cant help. He finally goes for his mri next month ( oct). at sick kids. we have been waiting since february. Hes going under anesthetic.. this should be fun!We also have an appt with dr shapir oct. 7th. We took the kids to dr sassi last week ( the eye dr) and he said again, devon has a mild prescription but do I honestly think he would keep the glasses on for more than an hour? So he recommended we hold out till it gets significant. Poor kid. seems things only gets worse as time goes on.
ok- one more round :) and I should do something in here before dean gets home cuz then i will have NO time.
ttfn
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
When you have an Autistic child....
When you have an autistic child
When you have an autistic child your time is not your own. You are a care giver 24 hours a day.
When you have an autistic child your whole world becomes a time table, Dr's, therapists, school meetings, and routine routine routine.
When you have an autistic child your entire life becomes ABOUT autism.. how to survive and cope and help your child ( and yourself) just get through a day.
When you have an autistic child, to say your life is unpredictable is an understatement, anything can change in a heart beat and plans are rarely made because of this.
When you have an autistic child you feel like you're living in a bubble, you can't escape and no one can get in.
When you have an autistic child you grieve a little everyday, for the future, friends lost and the ability to communicate and interact with your child.
When you have an autistic child no one wants to hear about your day, or understand the isolation you feel. No one wants to acknowledge that you have a child with an illness, they only think you're a bad parent, or dramatizing or how better they could handle things if they were in your shoes.
When you have an autistic child you are always on guard and are constantly trying to find ways of reducing all stress. Even a fun event can turn into a nightmare in a split second, sometimes it's just best to avoid things.
When you have an autistic child your close friends disappear, they don't have a clue what being a parent to an autistic child means.. you don't have a lot of time or energy for anything else and your reasons become excuses in their eyes.
When you have an autistic child no one seems to understand and everyone is full of advice and judgement.
When you have an autistic child you become a fighter, for your child, for compassion and a little understanding, for a 5 minute break.
When you have an autistic child you worry all the time. About school, about testing, about the future, about rages, about your other children, about your job and your relationships.
When you have an autistic child you want to shout from the roof tops.. My child is a human BEING and please accept him with patience and treat him with the respect he deserves!
I am the mother of an autistic child and if I could heal my child I would. Don't you think I want to? Don't you think my heart breaks every time I see my child not being able to cope? or have friends? or when he's rejected by his peers? or say what he wants to say? or get terrified and anxious over things we don't understand?
I am the mother of an autistic child and my life is not the same as yours. Please try and put yourself in my shoes just for a moment.
Suzanne Bilski
http://www.autismcanada.org/
http://www.fragilex.org/html/autism_and_fragile_x_syndrome.htm
When you have an autistic child your time is not your own. You are a care giver 24 hours a day.
When you have an autistic child your whole world becomes a time table, Dr's, therapists, school meetings, and routine routine routine.
When you have an autistic child your entire life becomes ABOUT autism.. how to survive and cope and help your child ( and yourself) just get through a day.
When you have an autistic child, to say your life is unpredictable is an understatement, anything can change in a heart beat and plans are rarely made because of this.
When you have an autistic child you feel like you're living in a bubble, you can't escape and no one can get in.
When you have an autistic child you grieve a little everyday, for the future, friends lost and the ability to communicate and interact with your child.
When you have an autistic child no one wants to hear about your day, or understand the isolation you feel. No one wants to acknowledge that you have a child with an illness, they only think you're a bad parent, or dramatizing or how better they could handle things if they were in your shoes.
When you have an autistic child you are always on guard and are constantly trying to find ways of reducing all stress. Even a fun event can turn into a nightmare in a split second, sometimes it's just best to avoid things.
When you have an autistic child your close friends disappear, they don't have a clue what being a parent to an autistic child means.. you don't have a lot of time or energy for anything else and your reasons become excuses in their eyes.
When you have an autistic child no one seems to understand and everyone is full of advice and judgement.
When you have an autistic child you become a fighter, for your child, for compassion and a little understanding, for a 5 minute break.
When you have an autistic child you worry all the time. About school, about testing, about the future, about rages, about your other children, about your job and your relationships.
When you have an autistic child you want to shout from the roof tops.. My child is a human BEING and please accept him with patience and treat him with the respect he deserves!
I am the mother of an autistic child and if I could heal my child I would. Don't you think I want to? Don't you think my heart breaks every time I see my child not being able to cope? or have friends? or when he's rejected by his peers? or say what he wants to say? or get terrified and anxious over things we don't understand?
I am the mother of an autistic child and my life is not the same as yours. Please try and put yourself in my shoes just for a moment.
Suzanne Bilski
http://www.autismcanada.org/
http://www.fragilex.org/html/autism_and_fragile_x_syndrome.htm
Thursday, September 17, 2009
My dad
I just knew i would be up at 3 if i went to bed by 9... sigh... Dean and I were so zonked last night that after devon went to bed we did too!
strange day yesterday. first we went over to the pelham clinic so dean could get his physical for work.. i opted to wait in the car with a book instead of sitting in the germ infested room. 2 hours later- he comes back out and announces that hes quitting smoking and hasn't had a cigarette since. his sugar his fine, his blood pressure is fine..now he has to fast for cholesterol. that isnt part of the physical but i he asked for the test. so we go to the pharmacy where dean got nicerette gum.. grocery shopping, lancer for lunch.. the meridian, the rbc, back to the meridian then back to rbc.. then big reds-
so I am at the meat counter- and all of a sudden, I am being hugged by a strange old man- we pull apart and i look at him and my heart goes into my stomach- its MY DAD. we go through the how r u's.. and how old my kids are-that russell started thorold high.. ( THAT SHOCKS HIM) and i said yeah well time flies by eh? I tell him hes over 6 feet now..and that shit its been years since he saw him.. and he says well u know where i live... so i said and U knew where I LIVED for 6 years and came by once. I tell him i moved.. not in Thorold anymore but in Port robinson.. he says thats still THOROLD.. well i guess it is.. there you go correcting me again..the whole conversation was surreal and awkward. he takes off his glasses and is tearing up. he looks like hes 80. I can barely understand him he talks so roughly and quietly.. like quincy. hes completely grey and bald at the back.. i didn't know what to say ( i wasn't going to say shit u look OLD MAN lol) so i said omg u look like uncle charlie now. lol. he can barely breathe just standing there. i give him my new address and phone # ( which he will never use) and after 10 more minutes tell him it was good to see him and walk to the front to pay... hes right behind me in line.. we start talking about MEAT. omg. is this seriously what a daughter and father have to talk about after years or not speaking? MEAT and prices? we both didn't know what to say to each other! he points out to his car in the parking lot- a white Hyundai.. i tell him were driving a cobalt now.. he asks dean if hes still driving long haul.. we pay and i tell him again it was nice seeing him and we all leave and get into our cars.
I don't know what to think... it was very strange. I have thought about him often over the years.. in fact ( i tell him) i was just talking about him to the kids 2 days ago when devon again asks me about joe being my DAD..( he also thinks that lockhart is where i grew up= even though i have SHOWED him park ave.) hard to explain to a delayed little kid why you don't speak to your own dad when I don't even know. do i not bother because of HER? because of loyalty to my mother? because of the past? because its just too much work? The last time i popped by his house i wasn't exactly greeted by her nicely.. i got suzy? JIM! SUZY is here! ( suzy said snottily and with contempt) and we then had a very weird conversation where he had to correct me a 100 times.. showed me his meat/pantry and liqueur collection... this was at least 4 years ago. at least. I never went back over. he came over to culligan ONCE.. complained about my front step right off the bat.. looked at my one plug in the kitchen that didn't work and said it would cost us 1000's to rewire ( it cost us 50 bucks to get a guy in when we moved) and that had to be a year or so after we moved in. My # didn't change from 1996 to 2008. whatever. Joe sees him at retirement parties.. my mother always gets mad that he doesn't ask joe about his kids.. well i don't really expect him to have a friendly conversation with my mothers new husband either.. but hes had my email address and # and knew where i lived since 1996. I went over to his house a couple of times when devon was first born. if it weren't for her i might have gone over more often- but like i said she makes me feel very unwelcome- and also my loyalty to my mother kicks in... but hell he left 18 years ago... maybe if my mother had a decent marriage NOW.. she could have gotten over it a little more naturally.. ( not that that is something that just ever goes away either) Then i think well, it would be like david and russell seeing each other- however david never HAD any relationship or place in russells life EVER- this was MY DAD for 20 years.
My mother shouldn't expect ME to hold onto HER grudges.. and any grudges i have ever had with my dad on parenting etc have long gone from me... when i had my two kids and matured i realized life just isn't a leave it to beaver episode and people make mistakes, people have mental issues.. drinking issues.. that raising kids and marriage just isn't exactly easy either..you learn to let it all go...sure it still bothers me that he didn't want to even meet me for a drink at 20 because" he was happy now"... i will never understand how men can just leave ONE family and have another...and forget they ever HAD the first family in the first place. But the fight my parents had.. their divorce isn't about me.. or my brother.. or even because my dad cheated.. My dad has never been a happy person.. or a terribly vocal person that could share his feelings.. and my dad obviously has several mental issues.. that he cant help or never GOT help for. My dad and i don't even know each other now... 18 years later. he doesn't know me at all as an adult, a mother, a wife.. a woman and i don't know him now either.. but he is my father.. biologically, genetically and he helped to shape me for the first 20 years of my life. I am NOT making excuses up for his lack of parenting skills at times.. nor for his inability to communicate in the past 18 years either but their are reasons.. reasons beyond just my ability to fix the gap.. that as adults it was both of our faults to stay in touch NOT just my fathers. I am an adult now.. no longer that 15 year old that couldn't talk to him without a fight.. i am 37 years old.. and it takes two people, HIM and I..and i haven't exactly made any more efforts in recent years either.. The gap between us as adults is both of our "faults"
am I NOT there for my mother 24/7? do i not tolerate all of HER faults, issues, habits, idiosyncrasies and criticism? why should it be any different for my dad? what because my parents marriage dissolved? because he didn't have patience with me as a teenager? i look at it differently now- i HAVE a teenager- i have RAISED my two kids and I know how easy it is to get frustrated etc.. and i have been a wife for 14 years, I know how much you have to tolerate and how hard you have to work at a marriage..and I am a relatively stable normal person. I cant imagine how my DAD felt as a parent or a husband- but why should i hold it against him as an adult.. I cant. there is no logical reason. we all are entitled to make mistakes.
Even IF my dad calls me or comes over.. doesn't mean we are expected to be all palsy walsy and close like my mother and I..but I certainly can accept that he IS my father and my kids grandfather. IF he doesn't get back in touch- well thats ok too.. I dont think he does it from lack of loving but the lack of a social ability to know HOW to communicate or face situations. I also have to realize that it truly takes TWO people to make a relationship work- parent/child,.. wife/husband or even friends and if I dont bother at all either then thats MY fault too.
its not like i ever wanted to have this miley/billy ray cyrus thing... but I should be able to tolerate being in the same room as him! I don't go looking for "acceptance'.. or i have never begged for his affection as an adult.. but I can accept the man for who he is.. what he was.. and put it all in perspective.. that's what being an adult and life experience is all about. I cant stand the people that as adults habitually say.. well I am an asshole or crazy etc because of my CHILDHOOD.. you get over things,... its not how you start its how you finish and as adults you have the ability to reason, to change things.. to do things differently. sure it shapes you as a person but you cant possibly say it makes you who you are 20 years later. my childhood was so long ago- so many years have passed that I barely remember things now.. and the things i DO remember, referring to the "bad things" I have learned to let go...noone is perfect. no one can understand someone because they don't walk in their shoes.. i have learned THAT lesson for sure..its time to move on.
strange day yesterday. first we went over to the pelham clinic so dean could get his physical for work.. i opted to wait in the car with a book instead of sitting in the germ infested room. 2 hours later- he comes back out and announces that hes quitting smoking and hasn't had a cigarette since. his sugar his fine, his blood pressure is fine..now he has to fast for cholesterol. that isnt part of the physical but i he asked for the test. so we go to the pharmacy where dean got nicerette gum.. grocery shopping, lancer for lunch.. the meridian, the rbc, back to the meridian then back to rbc.. then big reds-
so I am at the meat counter- and all of a sudden, I am being hugged by a strange old man- we pull apart and i look at him and my heart goes into my stomach- its MY DAD. we go through the how r u's.. and how old my kids are-that russell started thorold high.. ( THAT SHOCKS HIM) and i said yeah well time flies by eh? I tell him hes over 6 feet now..and that shit its been years since he saw him.. and he says well u know where i live... so i said and U knew where I LIVED for 6 years and came by once. I tell him i moved.. not in Thorold anymore but in Port robinson.. he says thats still THOROLD.. well i guess it is.. there you go correcting me again..the whole conversation was surreal and awkward. he takes off his glasses and is tearing up. he looks like hes 80. I can barely understand him he talks so roughly and quietly.. like quincy. hes completely grey and bald at the back.. i didn't know what to say ( i wasn't going to say shit u look OLD MAN lol) so i said omg u look like uncle charlie now. lol. he can barely breathe just standing there. i give him my new address and phone # ( which he will never use) and after 10 more minutes tell him it was good to see him and walk to the front to pay... hes right behind me in line.. we start talking about MEAT. omg. is this seriously what a daughter and father have to talk about after years or not speaking? MEAT and prices? we both didn't know what to say to each other! he points out to his car in the parking lot- a white Hyundai.. i tell him were driving a cobalt now.. he asks dean if hes still driving long haul.. we pay and i tell him again it was nice seeing him and we all leave and get into our cars.
I don't know what to think... it was very strange. I have thought about him often over the years.. in fact ( i tell him) i was just talking about him to the kids 2 days ago when devon again asks me about joe being my DAD..( he also thinks that lockhart is where i grew up= even though i have SHOWED him park ave.) hard to explain to a delayed little kid why you don't speak to your own dad when I don't even know. do i not bother because of HER? because of loyalty to my mother? because of the past? because its just too much work? The last time i popped by his house i wasn't exactly greeted by her nicely.. i got suzy? JIM! SUZY is here! ( suzy said snottily and with contempt) and we then had a very weird conversation where he had to correct me a 100 times.. showed me his meat/pantry and liqueur collection... this was at least 4 years ago. at least. I never went back over. he came over to culligan ONCE.. complained about my front step right off the bat.. looked at my one plug in the kitchen that didn't work and said it would cost us 1000's to rewire ( it cost us 50 bucks to get a guy in when we moved) and that had to be a year or so after we moved in. My # didn't change from 1996 to 2008. whatever. Joe sees him at retirement parties.. my mother always gets mad that he doesn't ask joe about his kids.. well i don't really expect him to have a friendly conversation with my mothers new husband either.. but hes had my email address and # and knew where i lived since 1996. I went over to his house a couple of times when devon was first born. if it weren't for her i might have gone over more often- but like i said she makes me feel very unwelcome- and also my loyalty to my mother kicks in... but hell he left 18 years ago... maybe if my mother had a decent marriage NOW.. she could have gotten over it a little more naturally.. ( not that that is something that just ever goes away either) Then i think well, it would be like david and russell seeing each other- however david never HAD any relationship or place in russells life EVER- this was MY DAD for 20 years.
My mother shouldn't expect ME to hold onto HER grudges.. and any grudges i have ever had with my dad on parenting etc have long gone from me... when i had my two kids and matured i realized life just isn't a leave it to beaver episode and people make mistakes, people have mental issues.. drinking issues.. that raising kids and marriage just isn't exactly easy either..you learn to let it all go...sure it still bothers me that he didn't want to even meet me for a drink at 20 because" he was happy now"... i will never understand how men can just leave ONE family and have another...and forget they ever HAD the first family in the first place. But the fight my parents had.. their divorce isn't about me.. or my brother.. or even because my dad cheated.. My dad has never been a happy person.. or a terribly vocal person that could share his feelings.. and my dad obviously has several mental issues.. that he cant help or never GOT help for. My dad and i don't even know each other now... 18 years later. he doesn't know me at all as an adult, a mother, a wife.. a woman and i don't know him now either.. but he is my father.. biologically, genetically and he helped to shape me for the first 20 years of my life. I am NOT making excuses up for his lack of parenting skills at times.. nor for his inability to communicate in the past 18 years either but their are reasons.. reasons beyond just my ability to fix the gap.. that as adults it was both of our faults to stay in touch NOT just my fathers. I am an adult now.. no longer that 15 year old that couldn't talk to him without a fight.. i am 37 years old.. and it takes two people, HIM and I..and i haven't exactly made any more efforts in recent years either.. The gap between us as adults is both of our "faults"
am I NOT there for my mother 24/7? do i not tolerate all of HER faults, issues, habits, idiosyncrasies and criticism? why should it be any different for my dad? what because my parents marriage dissolved? because he didn't have patience with me as a teenager? i look at it differently now- i HAVE a teenager- i have RAISED my two kids and I know how easy it is to get frustrated etc.. and i have been a wife for 14 years, I know how much you have to tolerate and how hard you have to work at a marriage..and I am a relatively stable normal person. I cant imagine how my DAD felt as a parent or a husband- but why should i hold it against him as an adult.. I cant. there is no logical reason. we all are entitled to make mistakes.
Even IF my dad calls me or comes over.. doesn't mean we are expected to be all palsy walsy and close like my mother and I..but I certainly can accept that he IS my father and my kids grandfather. IF he doesn't get back in touch- well thats ok too.. I dont think he does it from lack of loving but the lack of a social ability to know HOW to communicate or face situations. I also have to realize that it truly takes TWO people to make a relationship work- parent/child,.. wife/husband or even friends and if I dont bother at all either then thats MY fault too.
its not like i ever wanted to have this miley/billy ray cyrus thing... but I should be able to tolerate being in the same room as him! I don't go looking for "acceptance'.. or i have never begged for his affection as an adult.. but I can accept the man for who he is.. what he was.. and put it all in perspective.. that's what being an adult and life experience is all about. I cant stand the people that as adults habitually say.. well I am an asshole or crazy etc because of my CHILDHOOD.. you get over things,... its not how you start its how you finish and as adults you have the ability to reason, to change things.. to do things differently. sure it shapes you as a person but you cant possibly say it makes you who you are 20 years later. my childhood was so long ago- so many years have passed that I barely remember things now.. and the things i DO remember, referring to the "bad things" I have learned to let go...noone is perfect. no one can understand someone because they don't walk in their shoes.. i have learned THAT lesson for sure..its time to move on.
Monday, September 14, 2009
monday morning.... despite a few grumblings and the im not going to school.. devon got on the bus and i had a pretty easy morning... PHEW.. I wish all mornings ( and nights- he was in bed and asleep by 830... well gees the kid was up from 3am!!- yeah- let's not spoil my mood and go there!) would go as easy as this... its such a nice way to start the day... no fights and out bursts..
maybe today I will actually tackle the LAUNDRY I have been avoiding doing for 4 days... sigh.. its not even the washing.. its the putting AWAY I CAN'T STAND. I have a load of mine and deans, towels, 2 comforters and devons... oh and sheets..I really should get it all done before dean gets home tomorrow- we have a busy couple days wed./thursday.. whats new...and If i dont do it all now.. it will just be sitting there on the weekend. At least yesterday i managed to tidy up.. make a pot of sauce and 82 meatballs..then went to my mothers.. her floors arent that bad! and she had actually taken down the front window curtains that I thought were beige.. nope they are WHITE HAHAHA she had NEVER washed them in the 10 years they have lived there! and yet she would come to my old house and inform me that my kitchen curtains would need washing all the time! ( and i did them at least 4 times a year!)
went to bed early last night..was IN bed by 930.. read for a bit and actually turned the lights out by 10... ( was up at 3am... so i was bloody tired) it makes it so much easier when devon goes to bed on time and me- shortly after... the routine to get him there is tiring in itself... all the prompting, bribing.. routine... computer time, then bath time,.. then snack time.. then tv in my room for one or two short shows.. then laying there with him hoping that I DONT fall asleep with him ...at least dean isnt beeping me anymore... i laid down the law.. i have been saying goodbye to him before i lay down with devon and IF I get up and have time later i will call you back... so far so good. it makes it so much easier when devon doesnt wake up or the phone ringing.. because 9 times out of ten,.. if he gets up hes UP.. no falling back asleep easily.. now if i could just get through to WYATT... even telling him the other day that I really DONT appreciate him calling at night he did again yesterday.. but at least it was only almost 9.. not like 11 last week! I would hate to have to turn off the phones at night in case of an emergency.
ugh just went down and through in a load... there are 4 comforters on the floor, compliments to russell...I really should steam the carpets at some point too.. Rose and I looked the other day and discovered that i have hardwood under the carpets on the stairs... no idea whats in the upper hallway.. but at least we can rip up the stairs, stain them and shallack them... if dean ever has a spare moment HA! next few days off are at christmas.. and i take it I am having christmas here- and both kids would be home.. so how and when would he do the stairs then? I am assuming it takes 48 hours to DRY.. and well.. devons, our room and the games room are upstairs..so good luck with that.
anyway- going to eat something for a change and talk to dean... and enjoy the quiet of a monday morning :P
ttfn
maybe today I will actually tackle the LAUNDRY I have been avoiding doing for 4 days... sigh.. its not even the washing.. its the putting AWAY I CAN'T STAND. I have a load of mine and deans, towels, 2 comforters and devons... oh and sheets..I really should get it all done before dean gets home tomorrow- we have a busy couple days wed./thursday.. whats new...and If i dont do it all now.. it will just be sitting there on the weekend. At least yesterday i managed to tidy up.. make a pot of sauce and 82 meatballs..then went to my mothers.. her floors arent that bad! and she had actually taken down the front window curtains that I thought were beige.. nope they are WHITE HAHAHA she had NEVER washed them in the 10 years they have lived there! and yet she would come to my old house and inform me that my kitchen curtains would need washing all the time! ( and i did them at least 4 times a year!)
went to bed early last night..was IN bed by 930.. read for a bit and actually turned the lights out by 10... ( was up at 3am... so i was bloody tired) it makes it so much easier when devon goes to bed on time and me- shortly after... the routine to get him there is tiring in itself... all the prompting, bribing.. routine... computer time, then bath time,.. then snack time.. then tv in my room for one or two short shows.. then laying there with him hoping that I DONT fall asleep with him ...at least dean isnt beeping me anymore... i laid down the law.. i have been saying goodbye to him before i lay down with devon and IF I get up and have time later i will call you back... so far so good. it makes it so much easier when devon doesnt wake up or the phone ringing.. because 9 times out of ten,.. if he gets up hes UP.. no falling back asleep easily.. now if i could just get through to WYATT... even telling him the other day that I really DONT appreciate him calling at night he did again yesterday.. but at least it was only almost 9.. not like 11 last week! I would hate to have to turn off the phones at night in case of an emergency.
ugh just went down and through in a load... there are 4 comforters on the floor, compliments to russell...I really should steam the carpets at some point too.. Rose and I looked the other day and discovered that i have hardwood under the carpets on the stairs... no idea whats in the upper hallway.. but at least we can rip up the stairs, stain them and shallack them... if dean ever has a spare moment HA! next few days off are at christmas.. and i take it I am having christmas here- and both kids would be home.. so how and when would he do the stairs then? I am assuming it takes 48 hours to DRY.. and well.. devons, our room and the games room are upstairs..so good luck with that.
anyway- going to eat something for a change and talk to dean... and enjoy the quiet of a monday morning :P
ttfn
Saturday, September 12, 2009
saturday night... here I am playing hangaroo http://www.hangaroo.info/ and talking to dean... who is now finally in miami.. having been gone 3 days... I figured out we have seen each other 4 days total ( including 1/2 days, like tuesday night and part of friday mornings) out of 14 days... sad.
went to the pen today with devon ( dropped robbie and russell at the movies to see gamer so I figured what was the point of wasting the gas just going home and coming back)... this is the 2nd time at the pen in 3 days.. I bought devon a new pair of shoes for school ( he has to keep a pair of indoor shoes there and last years are ratty).. bought him a 5 dollar lego set ( he really really really wanted this star wars set with the taun taun but shit it isnt Christmas!) 3 shirts for devon and some books for me... then we sat and had fries in the food court... devon was surprisingly good, ( not counting the tiny meltdown over the lego set) but he pulled himself together.. GOOD JOB DEVON! :) :P
he came home friday with yet another demand from the school for money... sigh.. now I need to cough up 11 bucks for a richmond st gym shirt and 12 for the shorts... not to mention its picture days for both kids next week.. so were looking at least another 75 or so there.. i figured i better get some school pics, other than russells grad pic, i havent bought school pics for either kid in 2 grades!- bad mummy.. sept is always so bad.. they demand sooo much money... i paid 65 to register russell.. 13 for a french workbook, 6 for his locker.. 20 for his lunch money... 5 for devons agenda, 5 for a school trip, pizza money, scholastic another 22... and the magazine fundraiser starts this coming week.. yay... not sure if i will be even able to swing my renewals ( martha, nintendo power, russells ps3 one.. and deans ontario out of doors... we will have to see...
oh- I bought myself some new coffee toppers from second cup for when i make my mocchachinos.. prob spelled that wrong- oh well lol- cant wait to try them.. 3 came in this set- cinnamon sugar, vanilla sugar and choc. sugar... yeah prob really easy to make them at home.. but their sugar is super fine castor.. ( dont have) and their blends are yummy..so when i make us some next weekend kathy.. you have new ones to try :)
I bought a new baking book the other night.. already did a couple recipes out of it.. my friend rose came over yesterday afternoon and I showed her how to make cinnamon curls... step by step.. she told me I was a good teacher and should do it as a job.. hmm wasnt that what I have said i wanted to do for months now? now WHO will PAY for this service??lol... I must be a pretty good teacher, since rose is also deaf and doesnt do ANY KIND of baking at home.. she didnt even have a basic understanding when i was showing her ( had to use really simple terms and repeat myself dozens of times in a dozen different ways lol)..she went home with a dozen rolls, the knowledge to make more and was happier than a pig in shit. It was nice seeing rose.. we dont get together too often- ( she has 3 kids!) and I am always so friggen busy..
cleaned the house top to bottom this morning.. ( havent done it since the beginning of the week) .. so I just have to do a ton of laundry tomorrow- and go to my mothers... I gave her money to pick me up a couple of things at the giant tiger- and her and joe ripped up ALL the carpets upstairs! ( what got into JOE? LOL) they have beautiful hardwood underneath however it desperately needs to be refinished; there is major water damage in multiple areas... we will see if Joe gets around to doing this.. or will he leave it like he did the stripped wall paper for years?? hmmm... needless to say my mother has now been not so subtly hinting she CANT POSSIBLY have thanksgiving NOW in HER HOUSE... ( rolling my eyes)... I didnt say a word... like we all care if she has stained wood floors... its not like we commented on the wallpaper.. she didnt care about that! ;p
k I am off- going to have a jacuzzi bath/book and go to bed..
ttyl
went to the pen today with devon ( dropped robbie and russell at the movies to see gamer so I figured what was the point of wasting the gas just going home and coming back)... this is the 2nd time at the pen in 3 days.. I bought devon a new pair of shoes for school ( he has to keep a pair of indoor shoes there and last years are ratty).. bought him a 5 dollar lego set ( he really really really wanted this star wars set with the taun taun but shit it isnt Christmas!) 3 shirts for devon and some books for me... then we sat and had fries in the food court... devon was surprisingly good, ( not counting the tiny meltdown over the lego set) but he pulled himself together.. GOOD JOB DEVON! :) :P
he came home friday with yet another demand from the school for money... sigh.. now I need to cough up 11 bucks for a richmond st gym shirt and 12 for the shorts... not to mention its picture days for both kids next week.. so were looking at least another 75 or so there.. i figured i better get some school pics, other than russells grad pic, i havent bought school pics for either kid in 2 grades!- bad mummy.. sept is always so bad.. they demand sooo much money... i paid 65 to register russell.. 13 for a french workbook, 6 for his locker.. 20 for his lunch money... 5 for devons agenda, 5 for a school trip, pizza money, scholastic another 22... and the magazine fundraiser starts this coming week.. yay... not sure if i will be even able to swing my renewals ( martha, nintendo power, russells ps3 one.. and deans ontario out of doors... we will have to see...
oh- I bought myself some new coffee toppers from second cup for when i make my mocchachinos.. prob spelled that wrong- oh well lol- cant wait to try them.. 3 came in this set- cinnamon sugar, vanilla sugar and choc. sugar... yeah prob really easy to make them at home.. but their sugar is super fine castor.. ( dont have) and their blends are yummy..so when i make us some next weekend kathy.. you have new ones to try :)
I bought a new baking book the other night.. already did a couple recipes out of it.. my friend rose came over yesterday afternoon and I showed her how to make cinnamon curls... step by step.. she told me I was a good teacher and should do it as a job.. hmm wasnt that what I have said i wanted to do for months now? now WHO will PAY for this service??lol... I must be a pretty good teacher, since rose is also deaf and doesnt do ANY KIND of baking at home.. she didnt even have a basic understanding when i was showing her ( had to use really simple terms and repeat myself dozens of times in a dozen different ways lol)..she went home with a dozen rolls, the knowledge to make more and was happier than a pig in shit. It was nice seeing rose.. we dont get together too often- ( she has 3 kids!) and I am always so friggen busy..
cleaned the house top to bottom this morning.. ( havent done it since the beginning of the week) .. so I just have to do a ton of laundry tomorrow- and go to my mothers... I gave her money to pick me up a couple of things at the giant tiger- and her and joe ripped up ALL the carpets upstairs! ( what got into JOE? LOL) they have beautiful hardwood underneath however it desperately needs to be refinished; there is major water damage in multiple areas... we will see if Joe gets around to doing this.. or will he leave it like he did the stripped wall paper for years?? hmmm... needless to say my mother has now been not so subtly hinting she CANT POSSIBLY have thanksgiving NOW in HER HOUSE... ( rolling my eyes)... I didnt say a word... like we all care if she has stained wood floors... its not like we commented on the wallpaper.. she didnt care about that! ;p
k I am off- going to have a jacuzzi bath/book and go to bed..
ttyl
Thursday, September 10, 2009
day 3 of back to school... smoother the past couple of days compared to the first morning ( OMG ACK ACK ACK) but Dean has been home which has helped.. and devon has had a good first couple of days... just waiting for the school is ****ing boring and i want to stay home which will come..i hope it comes later rather than sooner.. sigh.
dean left a day early- this morning at 10... I was NOT happy.. he was NOT happy... he has to go down to pick up his pos truck thats still in Orlando- supposely fixed... for the third time... dean says if the M***er F***er breaks down again hes taking a %&$#@ plane home...hes a tad pissed ...
because his truck broke down last trip he didnt even get home until tuesday after 8 and was beyond his "normal" exhaustion... basically ate, watched an hour of tv and went to bed... and since i was %^&*$ exhausted from lack of sleep because of devon- i went to bed too. Wednesday we got up at the crack of stupid to get the kids going...russell leaves at 715..then finally seeing devon off after 8.. and then running out to do errands.. got back afternoon, i started dinner. he cut the grass, hoed the garden then made hotsauce... after dinner we were watching tv and his boss called.. which totally irritated us both.. and then went to bed at 10...did i even SEE my husband this week? it doesnt friggen feel like it! have i mentioned lately i HATE HIS JOB?? I am hoping devon doesnt give me an extra day of torture now because daddys not home, esp. in the morning tomorrow...and now i will be sitting here all week thinking we are a day ahead- since he leaves friday mornings not thursdays normally. this morning i told dean I dont know how to act when he something comes up... if i pretend it doesnt bother me and reassure him.. he thinks i dont miss him or care... if i make a big deal and tell him how pissed I am i never see him.. then HE gets irritated and pissed... I cant win!
I really should be doing something productive.. but to hell with it.. this is the first couple of days i have had ANY BREAK since %^&#$ JUNE... so to hell with cleaning or getting on the treadmill or the rest of the errands i have to do since dean left early-etc.. I am lounging ... at least for another hour when russell gets home.. ( 245) and i go get devon from the bus at 335. I will be more productive tomorrow, promise :)
dean left a day early- this morning at 10... I was NOT happy.. he was NOT happy... he has to go down to pick up his pos truck thats still in Orlando- supposely fixed... for the third time... dean says if the M***er F***er breaks down again hes taking a %&$#@ plane home...hes a tad pissed ...
because his truck broke down last trip he didnt even get home until tuesday after 8 and was beyond his "normal" exhaustion... basically ate, watched an hour of tv and went to bed... and since i was %^&*$ exhausted from lack of sleep because of devon- i went to bed too. Wednesday we got up at the crack of stupid to get the kids going...russell leaves at 715..then finally seeing devon off after 8.. and then running out to do errands.. got back afternoon, i started dinner. he cut the grass, hoed the garden then made hotsauce... after dinner we were watching tv and his boss called.. which totally irritated us both.. and then went to bed at 10...did i even SEE my husband this week? it doesnt friggen feel like it! have i mentioned lately i HATE HIS JOB?? I am hoping devon doesnt give me an extra day of torture now because daddys not home, esp. in the morning tomorrow...and now i will be sitting here all week thinking we are a day ahead- since he leaves friday mornings not thursdays normally. this morning i told dean I dont know how to act when he something comes up... if i pretend it doesnt bother me and reassure him.. he thinks i dont miss him or care... if i make a big deal and tell him how pissed I am i never see him.. then HE gets irritated and pissed... I cant win!
I really should be doing something productive.. but to hell with it.. this is the first couple of days i have had ANY BREAK since %^&#$ JUNE... so to hell with cleaning or getting on the treadmill or the rest of the errands i have to do since dean left early-etc.. I am lounging ... at least for another hour when russell gets home.. ( 245) and i go get devon from the bus at 335. I will be more productive tomorrow, promise :)
Sunday, September 6, 2009
2 days before school starts and I am so not ready... there isnt A LOT to GET ready but I really don't want to deal with before school battles.. get to bed battles... walking to the bus stop and the whole feel of schedules again. I have tried now for the past couple days to get the kids to bed early.. but it doesnt seem to be working in my favour... the first night devon and I went to bed early enough and I lectured russell that he had to go to bed by 11... Devon wakes up just before 11 and wakes ME up.. and even after he fell back asleep awhile later, i didnt get back to bed until 1.. then laid there. and when I got up from being woken up, russell was STILL on the computer, begging for just one more minute to play his game etc...
Last night I tried to get Devon into bed by 830... then dean calls... his truck broke down AGAIN.. same thing as last time, the computer... ( am really hating computers in vehicles right now!) and i talked to him, trying to cheer him up until his tow truck came... hes in Orlando at the moment.. so- by the time I got off the phone, devon was STILL up at 1030.. went into the games room and got russell off the computer and laid down again with him... i laid there for an hour- neither one of us was sleeping and then realized i left the ice cream maker going,, so i told devon to stay in bed and go to sleep and went downstairs to deal with that...
came back upstairs, didnt hear anything from the bedroom so I decided to get on the computer for a bit... TWO hours later i hear devon... he hasnt even slept yet and it;s after one am. SO, i laid back down AGAIN with him... and we both fell asleep around 3!! I dont know how this kid does it.. i was and am exhausted... and he got up around 7.,...I am REALLY going to have to try and get both kids IN bed and ASLEEP tonight... Devon by 9 at the latest and russell 1030ish... or my tuesday morning will be even more stressful.
Went and picked up devons ds yesterday from the box dr. omg cost me $50 just to fix! But I cant imagine his bus rides in the morning without it.. and still cheaper than buying a new one for 129+tx or a dsi which he wants, for 200! my mother hadnt come home yet from port dover; couldnt get a hold of her on the phone; so I went over to the giant tiger in fonthill to kill time... bought russell a new watch and a few other things, called my mother who said just to keep her car until today... she said just come over to her house for dinner with her car, she was whipped. fine- worked for me.. so I came home and started dinner and two ice cream bases.. strawberry and vanilla...got the vanilla going right now.. made the strawberry last night.. used a custard base this time... we shall see how it turns out..
September brings appts all over again.. running here, there, toronto etc...I really am going to have to try and get back into the whole swing of things... at least I will have my mondays off .. and maybe get a chance to use my treadmill more than once a week like I am doing now.. also rose asked me to go for a coffee monday or tuesday... so much to cram in, into a week,.. and when dean comes home there is just way too much to do in 2 days. We also have been trying to get this homeline and transfer his accounts from his bank to the rbc.. we started it all in JULY.. and running to the rbc to sign this or appt that.. i sure hope it all gets done soon- this is ridiculous! unfortunately its also a necessity, since andy took our medical benefits away a month ago...and hopefully the CAR will actually be FIXED this week for REAL.. sick and tired of taking it to Brian cullen all the time and they SAY they fixed it but haven't!
anyway- got to fly... deans beeping me and i want to know where he is and if he got another truck or is laid over :(
ttfn
Deans still in Orlando at the freightliner dealership...so another guy is going to come and pick him up around 3pm and be his " codriver" to miami, get his berries in charlotte etc.. i sure hope andy doesnt give him "codriver" pay for all this shit! GRRRR next week dean "should" be getting stat holiday pay for labour day and I can totally see ellie and andy cutting his pay because of this week to make up for their lost $$ for THAT.we will see. Hes in the office at the dealership right now.
russell JUST got up...and that was with me waking him up.. he has the nerve to tell me that he wanted to wake up an hour ago and i didnt wake him up. nice try.. what r u going to so come tuesday? not to mention what if I had a job or things to do.. and HE had a part time job? who would be getting him up, prompted and ready THEN? its called an alarm clock and motivation russell.. btw my ice cream turned out great! extra creamy AND it firmed up alot quicker.. the consistancy is a lot better too.
Last night I tried to get Devon into bed by 830... then dean calls... his truck broke down AGAIN.. same thing as last time, the computer... ( am really hating computers in vehicles right now!) and i talked to him, trying to cheer him up until his tow truck came... hes in Orlando at the moment.. so- by the time I got off the phone, devon was STILL up at 1030.. went into the games room and got russell off the computer and laid down again with him... i laid there for an hour- neither one of us was sleeping and then realized i left the ice cream maker going,, so i told devon to stay in bed and go to sleep and went downstairs to deal with that...
came back upstairs, didnt hear anything from the bedroom so I decided to get on the computer for a bit... TWO hours later i hear devon... he hasnt even slept yet and it;s after one am. SO, i laid back down AGAIN with him... and we both fell asleep around 3!! I dont know how this kid does it.. i was and am exhausted... and he got up around 7.,...I am REALLY going to have to try and get both kids IN bed and ASLEEP tonight... Devon by 9 at the latest and russell 1030ish... or my tuesday morning will be even more stressful.
Went and picked up devons ds yesterday from the box dr. omg cost me $50 just to fix! But I cant imagine his bus rides in the morning without it.. and still cheaper than buying a new one for 129+tx or a dsi which he wants, for 200! my mother hadnt come home yet from port dover; couldnt get a hold of her on the phone; so I went over to the giant tiger in fonthill to kill time... bought russell a new watch and a few other things, called my mother who said just to keep her car until today... she said just come over to her house for dinner with her car, she was whipped. fine- worked for me.. so I came home and started dinner and two ice cream bases.. strawberry and vanilla...got the vanilla going right now.. made the strawberry last night.. used a custard base this time... we shall see how it turns out..
September brings appts all over again.. running here, there, toronto etc...I really am going to have to try and get back into the whole swing of things... at least I will have my mondays off .. and maybe get a chance to use my treadmill more than once a week like I am doing now.. also rose asked me to go for a coffee monday or tuesday... so much to cram in, into a week,.. and when dean comes home there is just way too much to do in 2 days. We also have been trying to get this homeline and transfer his accounts from his bank to the rbc.. we started it all in JULY.. and running to the rbc to sign this or appt that.. i sure hope it all gets done soon- this is ridiculous! unfortunately its also a necessity, since andy took our medical benefits away a month ago...and hopefully the CAR will actually be FIXED this week for REAL.. sick and tired of taking it to Brian cullen all the time and they SAY they fixed it but haven't!
anyway- got to fly... deans beeping me and i want to know where he is and if he got another truck or is laid over :(
ttfn
Deans still in Orlando at the freightliner dealership...so another guy is going to come and pick him up around 3pm and be his " codriver" to miami, get his berries in charlotte etc.. i sure hope andy doesnt give him "codriver" pay for all this shit! GRRRR next week dean "should" be getting stat holiday pay for labour day and I can totally see ellie and andy cutting his pay because of this week to make up for their lost $$ for THAT.we will see. Hes in the office at the dealership right now.
russell JUST got up...and that was with me waking him up.. he has the nerve to tell me that he wanted to wake up an hour ago and i didnt wake him up. nice try.. what r u going to so come tuesday? not to mention what if I had a job or things to do.. and HE had a part time job? who would be getting him up, prompted and ready THEN? its called an alarm clock and motivation russell.. btw my ice cream turned out great! extra creamy AND it firmed up alot quicker.. the consistancy is a lot better too.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
summer is gone.. and a long rant.
616am.. been up since 510...Dean and I went to bed shortly after 10- I should have known I would jump up this early. By 8 I will be exhausted again. I am tempted to go grab a shower while everyone is still in bed- but 1) I dont want to disturb Dean.. and 2) I am being selfish, I want the ME time and enjoying every second of it while I can.
When I am done this smoke I am going to get myself an another coffee from my wonderful new coffee maker, courtesy of Kathy and Jason. This one doesnt pour all over the counter, shut off in 2 hours and the coffee actually tastes like coffee not mud.
Summer is drawing to a close, yet it feels like it never quite arrived... oh SURE I have been stuck home for weeks, holed up with the kids and playing june cleaver but since we never got around to DOING anything and Dean couldnt take vacation - and the weather has been ever so shitty It feels like it jumped from May to Sept. One more week till these kids r back in school, Im back into routine of getting up at the crack of dawn packing lunches, trying to get Devon to the bus stop without a huge blow out and finally have some ME time during the day where I can get on the treadmill more than once a week or just listen to the silence.
Russell went to the comic convention on the weekend. He loved it- but is now suffering from NOT buyers remorse lol- he is kicking himself for NOT buying the settlers of Catan expansion pack - he saved his money as he always does but this time came home and blew it all on his new girlfriend at the store this week. ahhh girlfriends... Am I truly old enough to have a teenager who has a GIRLFRIEND? ACK. I was looking foward to seeing some interesting pics of the con. what do I get( as usual) pics of chicks asses and boobs... I guess I should be grateful i guess they aren't pics of MENS asses! lol hes ass/boob and woman obsessed. Thats all I ever hear anymore... just got to say one thing.. i aint raisin' no babies!
Kathy and I had a pleasant Sat. however I felt like I should have entertained her and diana more- not just stand there talking for hours.. well at least it kept devon occupied for the day- the same can NOT be said for Sunday when he lost his mind..
ahh the sun is coming up. Today will be busy- we have to go run errands ( pharmacy, groceries, smokes. picking up devons now fixed DS) and then on to register russell at thorold high at a bbq for gr. nines at 530,...tomorrow I am HOPING to go to the ex. we will see... mum really wanted us to come up yet again to Port Dover but dean doesnt want to either- only so much you can take of 60 year + people hanging out- nothing for devon ( and only SHIANNE for russell) and going to dinner for fish. the weather isnt exactly BEACH weather either.. i would rather take the kids to the ex.. I havent gone in 9 years... although the crowds, noises and stimuli might put devon over the top.. we will see what money is left over too. Then of course dean goes back to work friday morning.. so this is our last chance of summer to cram in something before school starts.
my cake turned out awesome.. my mother liked it so much she ate 3/4's of it.. ( which is good- then I DIDNT eat the calories) my birthday was yucky.. devon and russell fighting..
oh and dean has to call gmac then fax shit to the bank.. i will HAVE to remember to get him to do this.. he has to before friday. I think the bank manager thought I was nuts when i said there just isnt any TIME for him to call anyone ( this over getting all our account #'s) I said he isnt HOME damn it and when he IS we cram a week into 2 days.. when the hell does he have TIME to call anyone and sit on the phone listening to options when we try and live a week in 2 days.
brb going to grab another coffee
this games room looks like george lucas/nintendo and a mexican ( salsa and nachos) threw up in here. didnt i just clean it? sigh
devon is up.. first thing he asks if to go on the computer to look for old lego stuff to BUY... sigh. can you give me a few minutes? where did my alone time go?
Su
When I am done this smoke I am going to get myself an another coffee from my wonderful new coffee maker, courtesy of Kathy and Jason. This one doesnt pour all over the counter, shut off in 2 hours and the coffee actually tastes like coffee not mud.
Summer is drawing to a close, yet it feels like it never quite arrived... oh SURE I have been stuck home for weeks, holed up with the kids and playing june cleaver but since we never got around to DOING anything and Dean couldnt take vacation - and the weather has been ever so shitty It feels like it jumped from May to Sept. One more week till these kids r back in school, Im back into routine of getting up at the crack of dawn packing lunches, trying to get Devon to the bus stop without a huge blow out and finally have some ME time during the day where I can get on the treadmill more than once a week or just listen to the silence.
Russell went to the comic convention on the weekend. He loved it- but is now suffering from NOT buyers remorse lol- he is kicking himself for NOT buying the settlers of Catan expansion pack - he saved his money as he always does but this time came home and blew it all on his new girlfriend at the store this week. ahhh girlfriends... Am I truly old enough to have a teenager who has a GIRLFRIEND? ACK. I was looking foward to seeing some interesting pics of the con. what do I get( as usual) pics of chicks asses and boobs... I guess I should be grateful i guess they aren't pics of MENS asses! lol hes ass/boob and woman obsessed. Thats all I ever hear anymore... just got to say one thing.. i aint raisin' no babies!
Kathy and I had a pleasant Sat. however I felt like I should have entertained her and diana more- not just stand there talking for hours.. well at least it kept devon occupied for the day- the same can NOT be said for Sunday when he lost his mind..
ahh the sun is coming up. Today will be busy- we have to go run errands ( pharmacy, groceries, smokes. picking up devons now fixed DS) and then on to register russell at thorold high at a bbq for gr. nines at 530,...tomorrow I am HOPING to go to the ex. we will see... mum really wanted us to come up yet again to Port Dover but dean doesnt want to either- only so much you can take of 60 year + people hanging out- nothing for devon ( and only SHIANNE for russell) and going to dinner for fish. the weather isnt exactly BEACH weather either.. i would rather take the kids to the ex.. I havent gone in 9 years... although the crowds, noises and stimuli might put devon over the top.. we will see what money is left over too. Then of course dean goes back to work friday morning.. so this is our last chance of summer to cram in something before school starts.
my cake turned out awesome.. my mother liked it so much she ate 3/4's of it.. ( which is good- then I DIDNT eat the calories) my birthday was yucky.. devon and russell fighting..
oh and dean has to call gmac then fax shit to the bank.. i will HAVE to remember to get him to do this.. he has to before friday. I think the bank manager thought I was nuts when i said there just isnt any TIME for him to call anyone ( this over getting all our account #'s) I said he isnt HOME damn it and when he IS we cram a week into 2 days.. when the hell does he have TIME to call anyone and sit on the phone listening to options when we try and live a week in 2 days.
brb going to grab another coffee
this games room looks like george lucas/nintendo and a mexican ( salsa and nachos) threw up in here. didnt i just clean it? sigh
devon is up.. first thing he asks if to go on the computer to look for old lego stuff to BUY... sigh. can you give me a few minutes? where did my alone time go?
Su
Saturday, August 22, 2009
ACK its my Birthday.. again?!
how did I get to be 37?!
Today I baked an angel food cake with 7 minute frosting. This was the cake my Auntie Mimi would make me every single birthday until the age of 14... she past away the following May... I had NOT had this cake since! I hope I did her proud.. that it turned out to Mimi's standards :)
I thought about her a lot today.. because of the cake... I wish she could be here baking WITH me.. and I could enjoy her as adult now..(auntie frances too... I was just getting to know her as an adult when she died.) Mimi would have loved the convenience of my kitchen aid.. ( MAN how did she beat that cake by HAND? and the frosting too!!!) I could show her now what I have learned and she could teach me her trade secrets... sigh.. hard to believe 23 years has gone by. I wish MY kids knew her.. instead of a faceless name...
ahhh 37... why am I having such a hard time with it this year? Went to jack astors to watch a band/drinks the other night... the guys in there were born in 1990... we are old enough to be THEIR parents... wow. The wrinkles have somehow jumped onto my face this year.. they WERENT there last year!
I get to spend my birthday alone with the kids.. as usual, although I am going over to Mum and Joes tomorrow night for birthday dinner of chicken livers... MY request.. yes I am WIERD! and of course my cake I baked...I am sure my mother will critque it closely.. and say" its good.. but its JUST NOT auntie mimi's..."
I wish dean was here... i hate spending birthdays and such alone... I havent done anything on my birthday in years.. dean hasnt been home for my birthday in 4 years...at least we got to go out for dinner and drinks.. it was our anniversary/ birthday annual go out without the kids night... prob. wont be another "date" until NEXT august now... oh and apparently Joe got mad at my mother for babysitting.. he had to eat ALONE... ahhhh WAHHHHH... like I do 4 days a WEEK? suck it up Joe.. I ask my mother MAYBE 2 times a year to babysit.. this year I got in an extra day because of the swc reunion... oh yes.. and she came over for 2 1/2 hours last month so i could go with russell to see harry potter.. and i got the usual.." well I WANTED to see it TOO bs" well so did dean.. but we just didnt have time as a family.. and still would have needed to have a babysitter if we went.. not taking devon!!
ok.. enough ranting and feeling sorry for myself... I will just take this birthday as any other day... and will be lucky to have a few minutes here and there where devon isnt demanding something or they arent fighting.. oh and i also have robbie here... sigh
its 139am.. and as usual I am up when i should be sleeping.. but hey I am alone!!! :p but time for this OLD lady to go to bed.. so it can all start again in the morning....
tl
Su
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
august 11th 2009
yes i know... its been awhile... I think I have been avoiding blogging... I hate to see my life in black and white.. not to mention when do I get to on the computer except for first thing in the morning or maybe late late at night?... funny- we have two computers in here and they both seem to always occupied.. even as i type devon chooses this exact moment to ask me for something to eat.. even though i offered something to him for the past hour... hes asking for chicken or Mcdonalds... um no lol.
went up to London to visit Erin.. her townhouse is nice. It was a nice visit overall- even though we didnt get to see Jim until 6ish..man what a long drive.. no wonder they dont come here that often! and stupid me on the way back says to Dean.. thank God you dont have to come this way with the big truck anymore! and yes... i jinxed it.. dean has to go to London today to deliver rubber hoses.. sigh.. sorta like 3 weeks ago when his truck kept breaking down and was only home for a day.. i said to him the first day he was gone.. " for some reason i just feel its going to be a VERY long week".. maybe i will just keep my mouth shut from now on.
It's been one very crappy summer.. the weather has sucked.. and we havent gone ANYWHERE... trying to get devon out of the house to do anything is worse than getting teeth pulled. the screams.. the carrying on... you think i was trying to give him chinese water torture instead of trying to do something FUN..Usually we get to the beach, happy ralphs.. parks.. etc at least once or twice a week.. this summer??? um lucky to get him to go grocery shopping or to pick up one of russells friends.. and that includes screaming, swearing and him going off the wall. does not make for a pleasant time. Hes not sleeping well... either not going to bed until very late and waking up at the crack of dawn or going to bed at 6pm and jumping up at midnight for the rest of the day. Makes ME very tired- since i am up when HE is up...
Russell seems to think he lives in his own little apartment downstairs.. has friends constantly over- staying up unGodly hours and sleeping till 2...eating all of our food.. monopolizing the computers with "runescape" or hogging the tv or wii downstairs...I keep telling him its going to stop SOON- since he starts highschool in less than a month... even when he doesnt have anyone over hes up half the night watching tv in his room- i am SO tempted to disconnect the cable in there..but i dont think that would solve the problem.. I tolerate a lot just because he never HAD this popularity before and I am trying to give him a "fun" summer before highschool..Devon HATES when a friend of russell's is over and there is always fighting and screaming...
I wish i even had time every day so i could get on the treadmill.. it seems once i am up, functioning and coffeed.. devon is in a mood.. and i dont trust him at all.. if i get on with the mp3 player going and cant hear him- hes either outside somewhere calling on friends at weird hours in his pjamas...or making weird food concotions or bugging russells/and his friends to get up which starts fights.. in the afternoon its impossible as I have to supervise his play. Yesterday he was going to run away... took his blues clues blanket and filled it with old pjamas and headed down the street all the way to canby rd.. if it werent for nick and nathan God knows where he would have ended up.. or me driving in the car beside him trying to get him in while he screams and swears at me... sigh. yes hes done it before.Yesterday was over a fight he had with russell- typical-and hes not like a normal kid who will go for a walk or sit somewhere and come home after cooling down- he would just keep walking, and not think logically, plus he doesnt look for cars- So- I end up sneaking in time when dean is home on the treadmill- either cutting the grass or something.
I just wish devon would be more easy going- HA.. yes.. a lot to ask of a rigid autistic child.. but everything seems to be make him irritible, agressive, sets him off- only when hes left alone is he sorta ok.. and you still him constantly talking to himself- or should I say complaining and swearing to himself..he wants to play with his friends but really isnt capable.. he gets slap happy.. in their face with screaming and swearing and being rude without realizing how to stop. Hes like a hyper 3 year old.. and I am SO sick of the pooping in his pants thing.. i know he can't "help" most things.. but please tell me how to make things easier- cuz its only getting worse!! I DREAD school as much as I look forward to it- the break for me is SOOO wonderful however, trying to GET him to school in the mornings sometimes feels like I have done 10 rounds with mike Tyson..and i am not even sure yet if the school is providing a BUS for him this year. if I have to get him into a CAR every morning I may lose my MIND. I will find out in the mail in the next couple weeks- if I DONT get a letter from the bus company basically hes not GETTING one.. so I wont really know till the last minute- and just want we want to do everyday- take him into thorold and back home every day- and no we arent reimbursed for gas either. Last week we were taken off all health benefits.. i am running out of everything this week.. i can hardly wait to see THAT bill- let me just pull the money out of my ASS.
our anniversary is tomorrow-Feels like we have been married for 20 years instead of 9... we have lived together now for 13.. and "together" for 21.. havent gone anywhere even to get dean a card- we were hoping to go out for supper but wednesday we have baseball with the kids and thursday we are having company- i wish someone else would take them to baseball ( and they cant miss it since they havent gone in 3 weeks) but yeah well lol.. mum isnt well at all- so i hate to even ask her to watch them for dinner- and even if she was feeling ok she would never take the both of them anywhere by herself.. maybe we will get to go next week if shes better- make it a my birthday/anniversary dinner...dean wont be home on my birthday again this year- it will be nice to have him once for once on our actual anniversary even if we arent going out. I have gotten used to the not doing anything on my birthday at all for 14 years.. usually mum is in port dover and dean on the road.. i spend it as any other day- i hate to ask mum- definately worried there..
on a happier note- scott and miriam+kids are coming down thursday along with rachel/john+kids and andrea and jason, kathy and diana.. should be a nice break from reality for the day. I havent seen Scott in 11 years... alot has happened since.. and I am sure for him too.
ok- enough ranting- going to make devon food.. and perhaps shower while hes eating- since i dont want dean to run away from my lack of personal hygiene in the past couple of days.. i meant to get a bath last night when i got off the phone with him around 11.. but devon got up.. and then i didnt want to make ANY noise once i got him back into bed...i ended up not being able to sleep and up until 3,...
tl-
Su
went up to London to visit Erin.. her townhouse is nice. It was a nice visit overall- even though we didnt get to see Jim until 6ish..man what a long drive.. no wonder they dont come here that often! and stupid me on the way back says to Dean.. thank God you dont have to come this way with the big truck anymore! and yes... i jinxed it.. dean has to go to London today to deliver rubber hoses.. sigh.. sorta like 3 weeks ago when his truck kept breaking down and was only home for a day.. i said to him the first day he was gone.. " for some reason i just feel its going to be a VERY long week".. maybe i will just keep my mouth shut from now on.
It's been one very crappy summer.. the weather has sucked.. and we havent gone ANYWHERE... trying to get devon out of the house to do anything is worse than getting teeth pulled. the screams.. the carrying on... you think i was trying to give him chinese water torture instead of trying to do something FUN..Usually we get to the beach, happy ralphs.. parks.. etc at least once or twice a week.. this summer??? um lucky to get him to go grocery shopping or to pick up one of russells friends.. and that includes screaming, swearing and him going off the wall. does not make for a pleasant time. Hes not sleeping well... either not going to bed until very late and waking up at the crack of dawn or going to bed at 6pm and jumping up at midnight for the rest of the day. Makes ME very tired- since i am up when HE is up...
Russell seems to think he lives in his own little apartment downstairs.. has friends constantly over- staying up unGodly hours and sleeping till 2...eating all of our food.. monopolizing the computers with "runescape" or hogging the tv or wii downstairs...I keep telling him its going to stop SOON- since he starts highschool in less than a month... even when he doesnt have anyone over hes up half the night watching tv in his room- i am SO tempted to disconnect the cable in there..but i dont think that would solve the problem.. I tolerate a lot just because he never HAD this popularity before and I am trying to give him a "fun" summer before highschool..Devon HATES when a friend of russell's is over and there is always fighting and screaming...
I wish i even had time every day so i could get on the treadmill.. it seems once i am up, functioning and coffeed.. devon is in a mood.. and i dont trust him at all.. if i get on with the mp3 player going and cant hear him- hes either outside somewhere calling on friends at weird hours in his pjamas...or making weird food concotions or bugging russells/and his friends to get up which starts fights.. in the afternoon its impossible as I have to supervise his play. Yesterday he was going to run away... took his blues clues blanket and filled it with old pjamas and headed down the street all the way to canby rd.. if it werent for nick and nathan God knows where he would have ended up.. or me driving in the car beside him trying to get him in while he screams and swears at me... sigh. yes hes done it before.Yesterday was over a fight he had with russell- typical-and hes not like a normal kid who will go for a walk or sit somewhere and come home after cooling down- he would just keep walking, and not think logically, plus he doesnt look for cars- So- I end up sneaking in time when dean is home on the treadmill- either cutting the grass or something.
I just wish devon would be more easy going- HA.. yes.. a lot to ask of a rigid autistic child.. but everything seems to be make him irritible, agressive, sets him off- only when hes left alone is he sorta ok.. and you still him constantly talking to himself- or should I say complaining and swearing to himself..he wants to play with his friends but really isnt capable.. he gets slap happy.. in their face with screaming and swearing and being rude without realizing how to stop. Hes like a hyper 3 year old.. and I am SO sick of the pooping in his pants thing.. i know he can't "help" most things.. but please tell me how to make things easier- cuz its only getting worse!! I DREAD school as much as I look forward to it- the break for me is SOOO wonderful however, trying to GET him to school in the mornings sometimes feels like I have done 10 rounds with mike Tyson..and i am not even sure yet if the school is providing a BUS for him this year. if I have to get him into a CAR every morning I may lose my MIND. I will find out in the mail in the next couple weeks- if I DONT get a letter from the bus company basically hes not GETTING one.. so I wont really know till the last minute- and just want we want to do everyday- take him into thorold and back home every day- and no we arent reimbursed for gas either. Last week we were taken off all health benefits.. i am running out of everything this week.. i can hardly wait to see THAT bill- let me just pull the money out of my ASS.
our anniversary is tomorrow-Feels like we have been married for 20 years instead of 9... we have lived together now for 13.. and "together" for 21.. havent gone anywhere even to get dean a card- we were hoping to go out for supper but wednesday we have baseball with the kids and thursday we are having company- i wish someone else would take them to baseball ( and they cant miss it since they havent gone in 3 weeks) but yeah well lol.. mum isnt well at all- so i hate to even ask her to watch them for dinner- and even if she was feeling ok she would never take the both of them anywhere by herself.. maybe we will get to go next week if shes better- make it a my birthday/anniversary dinner...dean wont be home on my birthday again this year- it will be nice to have him once for once on our actual anniversary even if we arent going out. I have gotten used to the not doing anything on my birthday at all for 14 years.. usually mum is in port dover and dean on the road.. i spend it as any other day- i hate to ask mum- definately worried there..
on a happier note- scott and miriam+kids are coming down thursday along with rachel/john+kids and andrea and jason, kathy and diana.. should be a nice break from reality for the day. I havent seen Scott in 11 years... alot has happened since.. and I am sure for him too.
ok- enough ranting- going to make devon food.. and perhaps shower while hes eating- since i dont want dean to run away from my lack of personal hygiene in the past couple of days.. i meant to get a bath last night when i got off the phone with him around 11.. but devon got up.. and then i didnt want to make ANY noise once i got him back into bed...i ended up not being able to sleep and up until 3,...
tl-
Su
Monday, July 6, 2009
I know, I know I haven't written in awhile... been just enjoying life at the moment. So- My baby graduated 2 weeks ago from grade 8. Not sure HOW I feel about that! How am old enough to HAVE a kid that graduated grade 8?? I can't get over how much hes changed in the past year, esp. the past 6 months. I hardly recognize him. His voice is so low.. hes lost 72 lbs.. and is now 6 feet tall. sigh... they grow up so fast...he shocked us all by winning by receiving two awards- one for "dsbn student success" which is for the student that went beyond their expectations and showed respect, responsibility, academic improvement and all around achievement. he also won citizenship of the year!! We are so proud. Dean couldn't make his actual grad, it was on a monday. Have I mentioned lately i hate his job? :p
Devon won 3 firsts, 2 fourths and a 6th in the special olympics track and field in june. We also have him in baseball every wednesday night and seems to enjoy it. We are trialing a new med for anxiety and KNOCK ON WOOD but the past week he seems so much calmer. He still cant focus at all.. and his attention span is still non existent.. and nothing else has changed but calm is great! :p Hopefully he wont be waking me up anymore in the middle of the night to check ( and kill) spiders in the games room( wakes up from a dead sleep from either my bed or his to have me do this) - or freaking out over the slightest little thing...
Dean took russell to miami this week... it's been very QUIET here. I even managed to clean things in here I haven't had time for in awhile.. organized the basement.. did ALL the baseboards in the house.. shampooed the carpets..organised and cleaned my room...wiped down walls, railings, doorframes, even did russells bathroom including shower stall! I am on a roll! ;p I would love to tackle the loft in the garage however I dont feel like killing myself on the ladder while lifting heavy boxes..dean has said for a year now we will do it together.. but seriously.. when in the hell do we have time to do that crap?! lol I have so much stuff I could have one huge garage sale.. if only i could get it all together.. but thinking unless i advertise up the ass who is going to come to my little dead end street in the middle of nowhere? and the BOOKS I have omg.. and cook books too.. 3 large boxes of just those.. I would need a library just for the books I have.. and i donate them too.. so its not like I still have even books from LAST year.. this is just since maybe Christmas.. since the rbc took down their big book wall- buy one for a quarter- i havent given any away..which is a ton when i read 4-6 books a WEEK AND i go to the buy a box of books at the depot whenever its on too..anyone want books? come see me.. :)
Last week dean mics me and tells me he's heard that his boss has decided to take away all our benefits away.. needless to say I FREAKED! I spent 1/2 that night rebudgeting and figuring out how we are going to pay for 800 dollars worth of meds a month.. not to mention dentist.. chiro, massage therapy and everything else we use it for... when dean came home however the premium was still taken off his cheque and there was no mention to him at all about this.. i am desperately hoping its a rumour created by a certain asshole that was bored while driving and had nothing better to do than to create total chaos by telling 6 other drivers. Apparently said driver said that he heard from another driver that when he picked up his pay the day before there was a memo attached stating that all benefits were gone as of july 1st and in lieu of this andy was going to give the drivers stat holiday pay instead..hmm stat pay.. he should have been getting this for the past 13 years by law.. so how is THIS compensation anyway? however- there was NO memo in Deans pay as of tuesday.. and his bosses never mentioned a word of this and hes obviously spoken to them a ton of times in the mean time... cross your fingers that is was all contrived by said asshole...Its not like Dean wants to bring this to attention to his bosses and ASK.. gees they might think its a great idea! No use putting ideas in their heads. If his premium was deducted again this week AND no stat pay for july 1st was added we will know for sure.
Devon just got up.. wow he slept in today till 720! This is huge! :p Not sure what we are going to do today.. its was calling for rain.. i havent checked the forecast this morning yet..I DO know I want to finish shampooing the carpet in our bedroom... how exciting! I also have to follow up on a few phone calls from people that have yet to call me back.. also playing phone tag from the tourettes clinic.. I am trying to get devons and russells filles transfered over from there to dr. shapir's private office.. last appointment we were informed that shes no longer going to be working at the clinic and I really dont feel like starting over with another dr there.. i really like her.. shes down to earth, funny and is really thorough. But what a pain in the ass about the files.. so we will be seeing her now at her office on the corner of bloor and sherbourne.. no more china town for awhile i guess :( we were also told that that sick kids have said we have to wait A WHOLE YEAR before we get into their genetic counselling and hear all the results from the kids tests.. holy shit.. a lot can happen in a YEAR.. esp when we are concerned about devons diet so much,.. he should have been seeing a genetic nutrionist from day one! Not to mention to find out what exactly genetically is wrong...
we have to go to toronto tomorrow- to Dr Philpotts again- the muscular/skeletal dr for a follow up- not really sure what hes going to see any different.. devon hasnt gained any weight or height in well over 2 years..and still has absolutely now muscle tone..
we also found out that ibi and aba therapies are not going to happen.. for one hes too old for ANY funding.. ( it ends at 6) AND because he has more than one diagnosis.. he had to have the asd diagnosis years ago to qualify for anything.. also the ibi therapies from bethesda here are headed by DR Snyder.. the same dr ( and cdas clinic) that told us when he was three he was GIFTED and bipolar.. and they would have done their own set of evaluations to just to get in.. so why backtrack anyway? when they got it all wrong years ago.. we were also told that at age 8 he wont be really getting a lot out it.. he should have started it YEARS ago...the clinic in toronto has suggested we get involved in the Geneva centre in toronto.. like we want to drive to toronto 2-3 times a week...I really feel like my kids were cheated out of so much just because Niagara sucks so bad.
anyway- going finish my coffee and go start on that carpet so it has time to dry AND I have time to do something else later..
ttfn Su
Dean took russell to miami this week... it's been very QUIET here. I even managed to clean things in here I haven't had time for in awhile.. organized the basement.. did ALL the baseboards in the house.. shampooed the carpets..organised and cleaned my room...wiped down walls, railings, doorframes, even did russells bathroom including shower stall! I am on a roll! ;p I would love to tackle the loft in the garage however I dont feel like killing myself on the ladder while lifting heavy boxes..dean has said for a year now we will do it together.. but seriously.. when in the hell do we have time to do that crap?! lol I have so much stuff I could have one huge garage sale.. if only i could get it all together.. but thinking unless i advertise up the ass who is going to come to my little dead end street in the middle of nowhere? and the BOOKS I have omg.. and cook books too.. 3 large boxes of just those.. I would need a library just for the books I have.. and i donate them too.. so its not like I still have even books from LAST year.. this is just since maybe Christmas.. since the rbc took down their big book wall- buy one for a quarter- i havent given any away..which is a ton when i read 4-6 books a WEEK AND i go to the buy a box of books at the depot whenever its on too..anyone want books? come see me.. :)
Last week dean mics me and tells me he's heard that his boss has decided to take away all our benefits away.. needless to say I FREAKED! I spent 1/2 that night rebudgeting and figuring out how we are going to pay for 800 dollars worth of meds a month.. not to mention dentist.. chiro, massage therapy and everything else we use it for... when dean came home however the premium was still taken off his cheque and there was no mention to him at all about this.. i am desperately hoping its a rumour created by a certain asshole that was bored while driving and had nothing better to do than to create total chaos by telling 6 other drivers. Apparently said driver said that he heard from another driver that when he picked up his pay the day before there was a memo attached stating that all benefits were gone as of july 1st and in lieu of this andy was going to give the drivers stat holiday pay instead..hmm stat pay.. he should have been getting this for the past 13 years by law.. so how is THIS compensation anyway? however- there was NO memo in Deans pay as of tuesday.. and his bosses never mentioned a word of this and hes obviously spoken to them a ton of times in the mean time... cross your fingers that is was all contrived by said asshole...Its not like Dean wants to bring this to attention to his bosses and ASK.. gees they might think its a great idea! No use putting ideas in their heads. If his premium was deducted again this week AND no stat pay for july 1st was added we will know for sure.
Devon just got up.. wow he slept in today till 720! This is huge! :p Not sure what we are going to do today.. its was calling for rain.. i havent checked the forecast this morning yet..I DO know I want to finish shampooing the carpet in our bedroom... how exciting! I also have to follow up on a few phone calls from people that have yet to call me back.. also playing phone tag from the tourettes clinic.. I am trying to get devons and russells filles transfered over from there to dr. shapir's private office.. last appointment we were informed that shes no longer going to be working at the clinic and I really dont feel like starting over with another dr there.. i really like her.. shes down to earth, funny and is really thorough. But what a pain in the ass about the files.. so we will be seeing her now at her office on the corner of bloor and sherbourne.. no more china town for awhile i guess :( we were also told that that sick kids have said we have to wait A WHOLE YEAR before we get into their genetic counselling and hear all the results from the kids tests.. holy shit.. a lot can happen in a YEAR.. esp when we are concerned about devons diet so much,.. he should have been seeing a genetic nutrionist from day one! Not to mention to find out what exactly genetically is wrong...
we have to go to toronto tomorrow- to Dr Philpotts again- the muscular/skeletal dr for a follow up- not really sure what hes going to see any different.. devon hasnt gained any weight or height in well over 2 years..and still has absolutely now muscle tone..
we also found out that ibi and aba therapies are not going to happen.. for one hes too old for ANY funding.. ( it ends at 6) AND because he has more than one diagnosis.. he had to have the asd diagnosis years ago to qualify for anything.. also the ibi therapies from bethesda here are headed by DR Snyder.. the same dr ( and cdas clinic) that told us when he was three he was GIFTED and bipolar.. and they would have done their own set of evaluations to just to get in.. so why backtrack anyway? when they got it all wrong years ago.. we were also told that at age 8 he wont be really getting a lot out it.. he should have started it YEARS ago...the clinic in toronto has suggested we get involved in the Geneva centre in toronto.. like we want to drive to toronto 2-3 times a week...I really feel like my kids were cheated out of so much just because Niagara sucks so bad.
anyway- going finish my coffee and go start on that carpet so it has time to dry AND I have time to do something else later..
ttfn Su
Sunday, May 24, 2009
May 24th 2009
Second cup of coffee... 7 44am sunday morning... all kids ( including Robbie) are still asleep... so why am I even up? Why did I get up an hour ago?... no idea.. prob. to escape into the quiet...any normal person that went to bed after midnight would be trying to sleep in... me? I am as I usually am trying to squeeze in as much quiet "me" time as I can... I love early mornings.. in the peace and quiet. If I didnt have to worry about Devon getting up and what he would get into, or him freaking out I would go for a very early morning walk by myself. The birds are chirping.. the air has that feeling of pre- thundershower.. and sitting beside the window in the games room looking out makes me feel very cagey. Of course in the 2 days that dean is home i never get to go for an early morning walk either- they are school days for one... I get up and do my motherly duties..but even in the summer i feel as if I am tied here as always. School ends June 24th. 32 days left if you include the weekends..I dread it. I dread the lack of routine for Devon who without it melts down and becomes something i cant recognise... I hate the pressures it puts on me as a caregiver to Devon first- not a mother but a caregiver to an autistic child with multiple problems... there are no breaks for me at all once summer comes.. no respite of a few short hours so i can clear my mind and restore my energy..with dean having taken his only vacation there is no family week now to look forward to. I have tried to plot a thousand times in my head of how possibly we can even put aside a few bucks a week to allow him a week off in august... it just wont happen. Too many bills.. too many obligations and of course not enough money to go around.
I think of the countless days of summer ahead where Devon will be waiting very unpatiently for his friend across the street to come home from his array of sports activities every day to play with him, ringing his doorbell every 10 minutes... some activitities 2x a day like yesterday- they went to baseball in the morning.. came home for an hour and out again for lacrosse... Devon was devestated. I dont understand how so many parents feel they have to put their kids in so many different sports teams.. when do they have time for socializing or fun? or even a proper MEAL? I never even saw the kids yesterday go inside for lunch.. or a snack.. and on to the next event.. scary. Where in the heck do they even come up with the money to pay for it all? The equipment alone costs a fortune.. They have their kids in soccer, hockey, lacrosse, baseball right now. Who am I to judge I guess...They feel like they are keeping them active.
Summer is not fun here. I wish Dean was home- it makes it so much harder, esp. on weekends when I see other families together- bbqs.. parties.. festivals.. doing things.. and we are reduced to a voice on a phone. My mother occasionally comes up for a coffee for an hour.. vicky comes over at night perhaps 2x a week for an hour here or there... other than that I am here alone with the kids.. trying to entertain myself when the kids arent fighting or Devon isnt needing me for something by cleaning or reading/the computer.. or now the treadmill. I wish Devon had a friend- other then nathan across the street.. someone he can just be himself with- and just play with him for a couple of hours.someone on his level. Someone who wont judge him when they cant understand him- or critisize him when he cant possibly keep up... and a parent of this child that understands and empathasizes with what the situation/issues are without a lengthy explantion of diagnosis and definitions of what this or that means when it comes to symptoms/behaviours and prognosis.
Devon is up now. he came in, looked at me.. i said good morning... and he walked away without a word... now hes back asking for "brown pieces of lego" that hes accusing russell of having in his room and he needs them NOW... sigh... i told him i am NOT going into russells room when him and robbie are sleeping... there will be world war 3 here of course... He asked me "is it friday today?" even though he didnt have school yesterday so he should know its the weekend.. but the difference between"should know" and "does know" is just something i have learned to accept.
I miss being a real mother... a mother not of an somewhat independant teen- ( who also needs prompting and shaping- but perhaps not the same child like mothering like before) but being a mother of a small child... I dont get to be that with Devon. There isnt the connection there.. by connection I mean he doesnt connect with people at all- you cant teach him things like you normally can a little one.. cant do arts and crafts or bake ( he will just make one holy mess- and i dont mean because hes really getting into it lol or just talk to and they listen to you and laugh or offer their kid like opinions... you cant carry on a conversation... one that really makes SENSE. he doesnt have that connection.. the processing skill.. he talks about things hes obsessed about- lego- video games- pokeman etc.. and doesnt care if youre even really listening- babbles on and on... but if you tried to take him for a walk and talk about nature or what youre seeing on the way he couldnt offer you more than a few short words in response ONLY if you asked him something 20 times.. he doesnt offer anything... you cant just play with him like I could even with russell. He speaks out of context.. when you ask him something he might give you a yes or no.. but its back to a devon topic instantly...at least when russell was smaller we could kinda of do things when he was more rational.. and our conversations and times together were always interactive. Devon is as far from interactive as possible.
I am having all sorts of weird thoughts about whether or not to even think about having another child. I wish I could be guarenteed a healthy one... and perhaps skip the baby years ;) these are the 2 things that are truely preventing me from really wanting to do it all over. Am I being selfish for not wanting to give up my games room? for not wanting to get up in the middle of the night with yet another one( putting devon aside here- and all of HIS needs here... which take up most of my waking time) but I dont really know if i have the energy or the frame of mind to do it again at my age...and what IF its another child with this genetic disorder?? Even with genetic counselling- at this time i know nothing about since sick kids still hasnt given me full results and an appt to go through them- so hypothetically speaking- even IF I knew I could have a CHOICE of isolating the gene.. or should be callous enough to say- picking the right egg.. yes I am putting it out there... am I willing to do it again? I really dont know what parenting healthy child IS... a normal functioning child.. i have had 14 long years of drs, rages, advocating, fighting the system.. therapies.. meds.. isolation... special ed.. caregiving. I could NOT do it again. However, I crave and long to be a normal mother- whatever that is. lol I have seen Dean with other kids.. babies.. esp. girls.. I know in his heart he longs for a little girl.. although he would never admit that to me.. but i have heard him talk in such ways that i know.. and interact with girl babies and little girls in such ways that its obvious. or- a boy- a healthy normal functioning boy that could carry on the Bilski name.. I know he secretly wishes we had healthy children but refuses to talk about it... I wish I knew what God wanted from me... or what he has planned. If I had another child i would never have MY life back at all... i am at that point at least whre devon is in school full time.. i get my mondays and tuesday breaks...Dean and I get alone time when hes home now..and i dont have a baby tying me down ... and how fair would that be to devon who needs me like he does.. or to the baby because of devon?... Do I really want to add an extra stressor like a BABY??? But I also cant deny what I feel either..and its not simple like just the pangs of my clock ticking away either.. I wish it was that simple...i wish i had all the answers or someone i could talk to that would really understand.
9am now.. I dont expect russell or robbie to get before noon. I actually hope they DON'T and that I can distract devon enough to stay UP here..then all will be quiet. ( I hope) devon is downstairs into something.. i asked him what are you doing... i get a NOTHING... hmmm..every light is on from here to downstairs too... I just home he doesnt get it into his head to go outside at the moment either and go call on nathan... for one the dog likes to run out.. and two.. i am still in my pjs so i dont feel like running outside... devon is also still in pjs.. although it wouldnt matter to him what he was wearing. MAN I wish Dean was home. Devon doesnt get into as much or run outside as much when hes here...
anyway... i better go see whats hes up too... grab myself another coffee and get some kind of motivation to clean the house this morning since i didnt do it yesterday...i did manage to vacuum the games room however at 11pm... :p
till i feel like ranting again- or at least get a chance to-
I think of the countless days of summer ahead where Devon will be waiting very unpatiently for his friend across the street to come home from his array of sports activities every day to play with him, ringing his doorbell every 10 minutes... some activitities 2x a day like yesterday- they went to baseball in the morning.. came home for an hour and out again for lacrosse... Devon was devestated. I dont understand how so many parents feel they have to put their kids in so many different sports teams.. when do they have time for socializing or fun? or even a proper MEAL? I never even saw the kids yesterday go inside for lunch.. or a snack.. and on to the next event.. scary. Where in the heck do they even come up with the money to pay for it all? The equipment alone costs a fortune.. They have their kids in soccer, hockey, lacrosse, baseball right now. Who am I to judge I guess...They feel like they are keeping them active.
Summer is not fun here. I wish Dean was home- it makes it so much harder, esp. on weekends when I see other families together- bbqs.. parties.. festivals.. doing things.. and we are reduced to a voice on a phone. My mother occasionally comes up for a coffee for an hour.. vicky comes over at night perhaps 2x a week for an hour here or there... other than that I am here alone with the kids.. trying to entertain myself when the kids arent fighting or Devon isnt needing me for something by cleaning or reading/the computer.. or now the treadmill. I wish Devon had a friend- other then nathan across the street.. someone he can just be himself with- and just play with him for a couple of hours.someone on his level. Someone who wont judge him when they cant understand him- or critisize him when he cant possibly keep up... and a parent of this child that understands and empathasizes with what the situation/issues are without a lengthy explantion of diagnosis and definitions of what this or that means when it comes to symptoms/behaviours and prognosis.
Devon is up now. he came in, looked at me.. i said good morning... and he walked away without a word... now hes back asking for "brown pieces of lego" that hes accusing russell of having in his room and he needs them NOW... sigh... i told him i am NOT going into russells room when him and robbie are sleeping... there will be world war 3 here of course... He asked me "is it friday today?" even though he didnt have school yesterday so he should know its the weekend.. but the difference between"should know" and "does know" is just something i have learned to accept.
I miss being a real mother... a mother not of an somewhat independant teen- ( who also needs prompting and shaping- but perhaps not the same child like mothering like before) but being a mother of a small child... I dont get to be that with Devon. There isnt the connection there.. by connection I mean he doesnt connect with people at all- you cant teach him things like you normally can a little one.. cant do arts and crafts or bake ( he will just make one holy mess- and i dont mean because hes really getting into it lol or just talk to and they listen to you and laugh or offer their kid like opinions... you cant carry on a conversation... one that really makes SENSE. he doesnt have that connection.. the processing skill.. he talks about things hes obsessed about- lego- video games- pokeman etc.. and doesnt care if youre even really listening- babbles on and on... but if you tried to take him for a walk and talk about nature or what youre seeing on the way he couldnt offer you more than a few short words in response ONLY if you asked him something 20 times.. he doesnt offer anything... you cant just play with him like I could even with russell. He speaks out of context.. when you ask him something he might give you a yes or no.. but its back to a devon topic instantly...at least when russell was smaller we could kinda of do things when he was more rational.. and our conversations and times together were always interactive. Devon is as far from interactive as possible.
I am having all sorts of weird thoughts about whether or not to even think about having another child. I wish I could be guarenteed a healthy one... and perhaps skip the baby years ;) these are the 2 things that are truely preventing me from really wanting to do it all over. Am I being selfish for not wanting to give up my games room? for not wanting to get up in the middle of the night with yet another one( putting devon aside here- and all of HIS needs here... which take up most of my waking time) but I dont really know if i have the energy or the frame of mind to do it again at my age...and what IF its another child with this genetic disorder?? Even with genetic counselling- at this time i know nothing about since sick kids still hasnt given me full results and an appt to go through them- so hypothetically speaking- even IF I knew I could have a CHOICE of isolating the gene.. or should be callous enough to say- picking the right egg.. yes I am putting it out there... am I willing to do it again? I really dont know what parenting healthy child IS... a normal functioning child.. i have had 14 long years of drs, rages, advocating, fighting the system.. therapies.. meds.. isolation... special ed.. caregiving. I could NOT do it again. However, I crave and long to be a normal mother- whatever that is. lol I have seen Dean with other kids.. babies.. esp. girls.. I know in his heart he longs for a little girl.. although he would never admit that to me.. but i have heard him talk in such ways that i know.. and interact with girl babies and little girls in such ways that its obvious. or- a boy- a healthy normal functioning boy that could carry on the Bilski name.. I know he secretly wishes we had healthy children but refuses to talk about it... I wish I knew what God wanted from me... or what he has planned. If I had another child i would never have MY life back at all... i am at that point at least whre devon is in school full time.. i get my mondays and tuesday breaks...Dean and I get alone time when hes home now..and i dont have a baby tying me down ... and how fair would that be to devon who needs me like he does.. or to the baby because of devon?... Do I really want to add an extra stressor like a BABY??? But I also cant deny what I feel either..and its not simple like just the pangs of my clock ticking away either.. I wish it was that simple...i wish i had all the answers or someone i could talk to that would really understand.
9am now.. I dont expect russell or robbie to get before noon. I actually hope they DON'T and that I can distract devon enough to stay UP here..then all will be quiet. ( I hope) devon is downstairs into something.. i asked him what are you doing... i get a NOTHING... hmmm..every light is on from here to downstairs too... I just home he doesnt get it into his head to go outside at the moment either and go call on nathan... for one the dog likes to run out.. and two.. i am still in my pjs so i dont feel like running outside... devon is also still in pjs.. although it wouldnt matter to him what he was wearing. MAN I wish Dean was home. Devon doesnt get into as much or run outside as much when hes here...
anyway... i better go see whats hes up too... grab myself another coffee and get some kind of motivation to clean the house this morning since i didnt do it yesterday...i did manage to vacuum the games room however at 11pm... :p
till i feel like ranting again- or at least get a chance to-
Thursday, May 21, 2009
may 21st 2009
wow 2 posts in 2 days... :)
this is Dean's last day of vacation... back to the regular friday to Tuesday on the road crap tomorrow. I don't hold much hope in a winning ticket in last night's 6/49 lol... however maybe i should check my ticket just to be sure ;) Did I mention i hate his job lately? I hate his job :p
Devon had his first baseball night last night... it went well.. it was interesting. All sorts of different levels of functioning there for sure.. wow. and of course not one person his age.. I think there might have been a kid there 12 or so but other than that they were 20's and up.. Devon didnt mind it seemed and befriended just about anyone who functioned enough to talk to him. He got a "home run"... actually he hit the ball just short of the pitchers mound and the one more coherent teen "overthrew" the ball way out to right field just so he had a chance to run to first.. and they fumbled the ball so badly that he made it in to home... NOONE except the one teen, volenteers and of course parents knew... devon was so proud that's all we have heard since that he hit a home run :P and maybe he will win a trophy now :) we are just glad he had fun and wants to go back next week!
Tonight we go out to dinner with Dean's parents to Swiss chalet. should be interesting lol... they have invited Mum and Joe too???!!!! WHY I have NO clue.. they havent seen my mother ( other than the occasional in passing- like russells birthday- or the odd Christmas... its not like they are friendly... at least i have my mother on my side if they decide to insult me or throw a dig in... my mother wont put up with anything. I dont know whats worse.. dinner out at a restaurant or at their house... he can be soo friggen rude... and LOUD... but at least i have mum there.Not exactly a nice quiet peaceful pleasant last evening I had planned for dean's last night home... sigh. oh well.
Dean should be coming home from the school bus stop in a second so until next time!!! :)
this is Dean's last day of vacation... back to the regular friday to Tuesday on the road crap tomorrow. I don't hold much hope in a winning ticket in last night's 6/49 lol... however maybe i should check my ticket just to be sure ;) Did I mention i hate his job lately? I hate his job :p
Devon had his first baseball night last night... it went well.. it was interesting. All sorts of different levels of functioning there for sure.. wow. and of course not one person his age.. I think there might have been a kid there 12 or so but other than that they were 20's and up.. Devon didnt mind it seemed and befriended just about anyone who functioned enough to talk to him. He got a "home run"... actually he hit the ball just short of the pitchers mound and the one more coherent teen "overthrew" the ball way out to right field just so he had a chance to run to first.. and they fumbled the ball so badly that he made it in to home... NOONE except the one teen, volenteers and of course parents knew... devon was so proud that's all we have heard since that he hit a home run :P and maybe he will win a trophy now :) we are just glad he had fun and wants to go back next week!
Tonight we go out to dinner with Dean's parents to Swiss chalet. should be interesting lol... they have invited Mum and Joe too???!!!! WHY I have NO clue.. they havent seen my mother ( other than the occasional in passing- like russells birthday- or the odd Christmas... its not like they are friendly... at least i have my mother on my side if they decide to insult me or throw a dig in... my mother wont put up with anything. I dont know whats worse.. dinner out at a restaurant or at their house... he can be soo friggen rude... and LOUD... but at least i have mum there.Not exactly a nice quiet peaceful pleasant last evening I had planned for dean's last night home... sigh. oh well.
Dean should be coming home from the school bus stop in a second so until next time!!! :)
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
may 20th 2009
ll
What a weekend. I think we did more socializing this weekend then we have in 3 years. I am still worn out.
Friday night ( after a day of making food for sunday) Jason, Kathy and Diana came over. Havent seen them in awhile and Dean hasnt seen them since Christmas.. ( even if on friday Dean had a few and went downstairs to sneak in speed vision- shaking my head-) my husband doesnt talk much... but at least his "presence" was here :p so Kathy and I ended up shooting the shit as we normally do... eclectic conversations that can either make me almost pee my pants or serious intelligent ones that i normally cant get out of my husband :p
saturday we headed over to swc for their open house walkthrough... it was very odd walking through their halls once again. I thought I would get all choked up and nostalgic but felt more closure and nothingness then anything else... wierd and robotic how i showed dean and the kids my classrooms etc and didnt get the pangs for my youth i thought i would... it was more like it was someone elses life i was pointing out... it was so long ago and so distanced from my life that I have now. I ran into my old science teacher who knew me right away... ' hello miss Stewart"... very odd.. ;p that was 23 years ago and he still knew me right away.
We then headed over to Vicky`s 30th party.. at her friends house. hung out their for 2 hours.. ate far too many deviled eggs and cheesies and then came home to get ready for the swc dinner.. my mother was omfg annoying.. so loud.. man she was getting on our nerves.. i thought dean was going to lose his mind. she dropped us off at the fallsview casino and there i had far too much wine.. sat with my old principal who i called the wrong name... did really bad teacher impersonations and every graduate from 1960 on thought i was my mother.. good times. Only say a handful of people i recognised. hey at least it was a night out.. and I got some free wine glasses and a centerpiece :p we then took a cab home at 1am.
Sunday we went over to his parents place.. where we were met by the entire Bilski clan ... most of whom i havent seen since my wedding day 9 years ago... yes we are such a close family :p Mrs Bilski got her digs into me every chance she could and even took me by the arm up to her bedroom to show me her ironed sweatshirts.. she says i make dean do ALL THE HOUSEWORK ( UM SURE) and SHE does and HOUR of ironing a DAY.. and THIS is how you DO it SUSAN... ok.. why me? why didnt she take Tanya up? or anyone else? why does she always critisize ME??? in 21 years i still havent done anything right. She thinks i over work her golden boy deanie. I wont even post the nasty hateful things she said about hitler and the jews all day... if it werent for tanya ( and angela) I prob. would have walked home at 3 LOL at least noone cried or I wasnt told to get the "fuck out of their house".... sigh
I wish Tanya and jamie + kids and ang his sister lived closer... devon got along great with his cousin cole... they played all day together... next time they see each other they will be teens.. u watch.. sigh. but when in the heck are we supposed to get up to Montreal? The last time I saw Wayne he was 16.. hes now 25... scary.. same with Crystal and chantal.. they are 19 and 21 now.. they were younger then russell at our wedding. We missed their entire teen years. which really is scary since delia, chantal and crystal only live in Hamilton :p ( now sarnia as of 2 1/2 months ago)
Monday we had vicky and sean over for dinner and a fire... omg i dont think i will ever look at the one picture of me plastured at the swc reunion without wetting my pants.. sean actually had me laughing so hard doing his impression of it.. its on my facebook pics- anyway.. i look at the "drunk" pics- all except that one didnt make it to facebook lolol.. and i see my mother omg lol I dont drink that often but wow.. i was nervous which didnt help and i had 6 red wines HAHA
Deans off until friday. Hes gone fishing at the moment. I have cramps from HELL... i should be on the treadmill... maybe after i pop some advil gel caps..
oh yeah and my coffee maker broker.. not the canister this time but the actual maker..so i had to bring out the dribble machine... not happy. POS.
better go light a fire under my ass and do something other than sit on the computer all day.Devon starts baseball tonight too!!! I hope he likes it- and doesnt get all mad too that its not all kids hes playing with- ( hes with the special olympics) I also hope he doesnt blurt out embarrassing things either- like are you retarded??? sigh...
until next time...
What a weekend. I think we did more socializing this weekend then we have in 3 years. I am still worn out.
Friday night ( after a day of making food for sunday) Jason, Kathy and Diana came over. Havent seen them in awhile and Dean hasnt seen them since Christmas.. ( even if on friday Dean had a few and went downstairs to sneak in speed vision- shaking my head-) my husband doesnt talk much... but at least his "presence" was here :p so Kathy and I ended up shooting the shit as we normally do... eclectic conversations that can either make me almost pee my pants or serious intelligent ones that i normally cant get out of my husband :p
saturday we headed over to swc for their open house walkthrough... it was very odd walking through their halls once again. I thought I would get all choked up and nostalgic but felt more closure and nothingness then anything else... wierd and robotic how i showed dean and the kids my classrooms etc and didnt get the pangs for my youth i thought i would... it was more like it was someone elses life i was pointing out... it was so long ago and so distanced from my life that I have now. I ran into my old science teacher who knew me right away... ' hello miss Stewart"... very odd.. ;p that was 23 years ago and he still knew me right away.
We then headed over to Vicky`s 30th party.. at her friends house. hung out their for 2 hours.. ate far too many deviled eggs and cheesies and then came home to get ready for the swc dinner.. my mother was omfg annoying.. so loud.. man she was getting on our nerves.. i thought dean was going to lose his mind. she dropped us off at the fallsview casino and there i had far too much wine.. sat with my old principal who i called the wrong name... did really bad teacher impersonations and every graduate from 1960 on thought i was my mother.. good times. Only say a handful of people i recognised. hey at least it was a night out.. and I got some free wine glasses and a centerpiece :p we then took a cab home at 1am.
Sunday we went over to his parents place.. where we were met by the entire Bilski clan ... most of whom i havent seen since my wedding day 9 years ago... yes we are such a close family :p Mrs Bilski got her digs into me every chance she could and even took me by the arm up to her bedroom to show me her ironed sweatshirts.. she says i make dean do ALL THE HOUSEWORK ( UM SURE) and SHE does and HOUR of ironing a DAY.. and THIS is how you DO it SUSAN... ok.. why me? why didnt she take Tanya up? or anyone else? why does she always critisize ME??? in 21 years i still havent done anything right. She thinks i over work her golden boy deanie. I wont even post the nasty hateful things she said about hitler and the jews all day... if it werent for tanya ( and angela) I prob. would have walked home at 3 LOL at least noone cried or I wasnt told to get the "fuck out of their house".... sigh
I wish Tanya and jamie + kids and ang his sister lived closer... devon got along great with his cousin cole... they played all day together... next time they see each other they will be teens.. u watch.. sigh. but when in the heck are we supposed to get up to Montreal? The last time I saw Wayne he was 16.. hes now 25... scary.. same with Crystal and chantal.. they are 19 and 21 now.. they were younger then russell at our wedding. We missed their entire teen years. which really is scary since delia, chantal and crystal only live in Hamilton :p ( now sarnia as of 2 1/2 months ago)
Monday we had vicky and sean over for dinner and a fire... omg i dont think i will ever look at the one picture of me plastured at the swc reunion without wetting my pants.. sean actually had me laughing so hard doing his impression of it.. its on my facebook pics- anyway.. i look at the "drunk" pics- all except that one didnt make it to facebook lolol.. and i see my mother omg lol I dont drink that often but wow.. i was nervous which didnt help and i had 6 red wines HAHA
Deans off until friday. Hes gone fishing at the moment. I have cramps from HELL... i should be on the treadmill... maybe after i pop some advil gel caps..
oh yeah and my coffee maker broker.. not the canister this time but the actual maker..so i had to bring out the dribble machine... not happy. POS.
better go light a fire under my ass and do something other than sit on the computer all day.Devon starts baseball tonight too!!! I hope he likes it- and doesnt get all mad too that its not all kids hes playing with- ( hes with the special olympics) I also hope he doesnt blurt out embarrassing things either- like are you retarded??? sigh...
until next time...
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
tuesday may 5th
I went for a power walk yesterday. After i drove the kids into school, I went to the park beside my old house and did the cycle path 4 1/2 times fast. My shins were killing me last night. I didn't think I would make it after the third time around but I did it with the help of Queen ;p. Poor buddy by the 4th time was behind me. I wish we had a park like that around here...
Would have liked to go again this morning but I have to sit here from 8-12pm waiting for cogeco to show up- were having the phones switched over again...hopefully there wont be any problems.. I remember when we were trying to sell the house and Bell "accidently" dug up cogeco's lines in front of our house and cut my phone lines... we went over a week without a phone- this was before i even had a cell phone... i remember having to call them every day from my neighbours... stupid people would tell me " we will call you..." um HOW? I kept telling them i am CALLING from a NEIGHBOURS house... and none of the 20 year old call centre people could believe that I didnt own a cell phone.. like i was some oddity... not to mention what having tree house out for over a week did ... it was a nightmare lol...
anyway...I hope devon doesnt give me a hard time this morning like he did yesterday omg.. i have to get him on that bus .. I cant drive him in.. knowing my luck cogeco will show up at and i wont be here..I wish Dean was here...sigh
I hope it doesnt rain when dean is home.. it seems like he goes on the road and the weather is wonderful... everyone is out working in their yards/gardens and the kids are playing outside.... he comes home and its freezing and raining... how fair is that. we have a truck load of dirt coming tomorrow morning... it better now rain!
622am... I better get russell up.. its his track and field today.. i hope he didnt sneak to be awake late last night and play games or something... hard to hear from my room and I crashed early so i didnt go back down and check...
going to go chug another coffee and cross my fingers and say a prayer for a smooth morning...
Would have liked to go again this morning but I have to sit here from 8-12pm waiting for cogeco to show up- were having the phones switched over again...hopefully there wont be any problems.. I remember when we were trying to sell the house and Bell "accidently" dug up cogeco's lines in front of our house and cut my phone lines... we went over a week without a phone- this was before i even had a cell phone... i remember having to call them every day from my neighbours... stupid people would tell me " we will call you..." um HOW? I kept telling them i am CALLING from a NEIGHBOURS house... and none of the 20 year old call centre people could believe that I didnt own a cell phone.. like i was some oddity... not to mention what having tree house out for over a week did ... it was a nightmare lol...
anyway...I hope devon doesnt give me a hard time this morning like he did yesterday omg.. i have to get him on that bus .. I cant drive him in.. knowing my luck cogeco will show up at and i wont be here..I wish Dean was here...sigh
I hope it doesnt rain when dean is home.. it seems like he goes on the road and the weather is wonderful... everyone is out working in their yards/gardens and the kids are playing outside.... he comes home and its freezing and raining... how fair is that. we have a truck load of dirt coming tomorrow morning... it better now rain!
622am... I better get russell up.. its his track and field today.. i hope he didnt sneak to be awake late last night and play games or something... hard to hear from my room and I crashed early so i didnt go back down and check...
going to go chug another coffee and cross my fingers and say a prayer for a smooth morning...
Saturday, May 2, 2009
may 2nd 2009
I am stealing Kathy's conversation theme just because this was just too funny not to post...
Devon in bathtub washing his bum: Why is my bum small and yours big?
Me: because mummy likes to eat.
Devon: you don't eat with your bum.
pause...
Devon: My hole in my bum is small... is yours big?
Me: No Devon, mine is small too. Now wash your face bugs bunny is coming on.
omg lol
Devon in bathtub washing his bum: Why is my bum small and yours big?
Me: because mummy likes to eat.
Devon: you don't eat with your bum.
pause...
Devon: My hole in my bum is small... is yours big?
Me: No Devon, mine is small too. Now wash your face bugs bunny is coming on.
omg lol
Monday, April 27, 2009
monday april 27th /09
after a hellish evening/weekend with devon not wanting to go to sleep until well after 10pm... and me then not falling asleep until well after 1am... then sleeping in until 7am and driving the kids into school... finding out devons had THREE different ea's in the past week.. ( um he cant handle transitions? wonder why hes been acting out and doesnt want to go to school? duh?) I am actually in a pretty good mood...
I got on the scale and I am down another pound... :) its nice and quiet here.. russell took out the garbage for me :) - of course he didnt empty the dishwasher however lol.. but i am sitting enjoying my cafe mocha and going to go sit on the front porch in awhile and veg with a book soon. yes i know i should be doing something in the house... mopping and tidying... oh and i have to do my sheets and comforter but that can wait... i am going to enjoy the peace and quiet that comes with mondays...I am taking a mental health morning as i usually do monday mornings.. i deserve every minute of it too :)
I wish i had someone to enjoy my mondays with... i do love my mornings of solitude and reflextion but by noon i am lonely. seems the only time anyone has for me as at night and of course thats when i am busiest usually, doing the whole getting devon settled thing. mondays and tuesdays would be ideal to be able to sit and have a coffee and shoot the shit... but noone seems to be around.wednesdays - fridays are my family and running around days... and weekends i am also home if you can stomach my kids lol
its funny too.,. that some people after years of knowing me still ask me when is a good time for me.. 0r when is dean home? um do you not know me/us at all? my schedule has not varied for about 13 years lol. deans been driving to Miami for 13 years. scary. to me it doesnt seem that long ago that he was going out to BC with the moving company and we were living in that little apartment on lake street with russell.. hard to believe that was 13 years ago now. time flies. Russell will be 14 in 2 days.. yet i remember like it was yesterday the day he was born.. i suppose every mother can say that about every child no matter how old they get. the years dont matter. 14 years seems insignificant in the grand sceme of the things. we have come such a long way in 14 years from that tiny little apartment... from my divorce.. 3 houses later.. we have raised two children .. so much crud.. so many struggles and yet we have prevailed... here we are.. we have survived in tact. i would give anything to have my husband home every night... well almost anything.. i dont think i could go back to that tiny little apartment... not knowing if we can make rent.. or groceries.. it was awful. we have made choices and taken priorities.. this is the reason he IS on the road and not in our bed every night. I think this is why I get so angry at people that cant appreciate the things they have.. the time they share with their spouses.. I only see mine 1/2 of a year.. my kids have their dad 1/2 of their lives... we try and cram as much as we can into that time but man its been tough. I wish i could just have the abililty to go to bed with my husband every night... now that would be nice. to be able to see him for even a short period every day would be nice..i realise with two people working spouses dont get alot of time together but at least they get to SEE each other every day... even for an hour.. or 2 or sleep in the same bed.. they are in the same house together at some point every day.. i get to see dean late tuesday afternoon- and hes extremely tired... hes in bed by 9 usually.. wed, thursday- and of course we run to appts and run errands.. and hes on the road again friday morning. this is my marriage. in the mean time, while hes on the road.. i am a single mother of 2 special needs kids..
ok this is depressing me... enough talk about that lol. if only i could win that lottery... ;)
I havent picked up my mail in 2 1/2 weeks.. yikes.. i can imagine it over flowing from my box... someone remind me to go do that in the next couple of days.. :p
I need to call dr shapirs office about that mri at sick kids.. i also need to call about a hair cut.. who knows when i am supposed to go for that... i look awful.
I am tired enough to take a nap.. however when i do this on a monday i feel like i have totally wasted my ME time.. i wake up usually in a pissy mood too- because usually my mother, dean or someone else has continously called while i have tried to lay down too... I always have the phone in my room just in case its a dr calling for an appt or the school.. and when i wake up i havent accomplished anything.. and then before i know it i have to go get the kids from the bus and my stress begins all over again...so unless i actually lay down right away after i drop the kids off first thing in the morning its not worth it.
I think i am going to go read the news then go throw my wash in and then head out outside on the veranda... wish i had some company...
su
I got on the scale and I am down another pound... :) its nice and quiet here.. russell took out the garbage for me :) - of course he didnt empty the dishwasher however lol.. but i am sitting enjoying my cafe mocha and going to go sit on the front porch in awhile and veg with a book soon. yes i know i should be doing something in the house... mopping and tidying... oh and i have to do my sheets and comforter but that can wait... i am going to enjoy the peace and quiet that comes with mondays...I am taking a mental health morning as i usually do monday mornings.. i deserve every minute of it too :)
I wish i had someone to enjoy my mondays with... i do love my mornings of solitude and reflextion but by noon i am lonely. seems the only time anyone has for me as at night and of course thats when i am busiest usually, doing the whole getting devon settled thing. mondays and tuesdays would be ideal to be able to sit and have a coffee and shoot the shit... but noone seems to be around.wednesdays - fridays are my family and running around days... and weekends i am also home if you can stomach my kids lol
its funny too.,. that some people after years of knowing me still ask me when is a good time for me.. 0r when is dean home? um do you not know me/us at all? my schedule has not varied for about 13 years lol. deans been driving to Miami for 13 years. scary. to me it doesnt seem that long ago that he was going out to BC with the moving company and we were living in that little apartment on lake street with russell.. hard to believe that was 13 years ago now. time flies. Russell will be 14 in 2 days.. yet i remember like it was yesterday the day he was born.. i suppose every mother can say that about every child no matter how old they get. the years dont matter. 14 years seems insignificant in the grand sceme of the things. we have come such a long way in 14 years from that tiny little apartment... from my divorce.. 3 houses later.. we have raised two children .. so much crud.. so many struggles and yet we have prevailed... here we are.. we have survived in tact. i would give anything to have my husband home every night... well almost anything.. i dont think i could go back to that tiny little apartment... not knowing if we can make rent.. or groceries.. it was awful. we have made choices and taken priorities.. this is the reason he IS on the road and not in our bed every night. I think this is why I get so angry at people that cant appreciate the things they have.. the time they share with their spouses.. I only see mine 1/2 of a year.. my kids have their dad 1/2 of their lives... we try and cram as much as we can into that time but man its been tough. I wish i could just have the abililty to go to bed with my husband every night... now that would be nice. to be able to see him for even a short period every day would be nice..i realise with two people working spouses dont get alot of time together but at least they get to SEE each other every day... even for an hour.. or 2 or sleep in the same bed.. they are in the same house together at some point every day.. i get to see dean late tuesday afternoon- and hes extremely tired... hes in bed by 9 usually.. wed, thursday- and of course we run to appts and run errands.. and hes on the road again friday morning. this is my marriage. in the mean time, while hes on the road.. i am a single mother of 2 special needs kids..
ok this is depressing me... enough talk about that lol. if only i could win that lottery... ;)
I havent picked up my mail in 2 1/2 weeks.. yikes.. i can imagine it over flowing from my box... someone remind me to go do that in the next couple of days.. :p
I need to call dr shapirs office about that mri at sick kids.. i also need to call about a hair cut.. who knows when i am supposed to go for that... i look awful.
I am tired enough to take a nap.. however when i do this on a monday i feel like i have totally wasted my ME time.. i wake up usually in a pissy mood too- because usually my mother, dean or someone else has continously called while i have tried to lay down too... I always have the phone in my room just in case its a dr calling for an appt or the school.. and when i wake up i havent accomplished anything.. and then before i know it i have to go get the kids from the bus and my stress begins all over again...so unless i actually lay down right away after i drop the kids off first thing in the morning its not worth it.
I think i am going to go read the news then go throw my wash in and then head out outside on the veranda... wish i had some company...
su
Sunday, April 26, 2009
another week is over
it's been another long week. I threw my back out rearranging our bedroom furniture.. I have had worse.. its at that point where if i move a certain way its a stabbing shooting pain in my lower left- and it kills me to lay or move in bed but I can find an ok position if i am sitting or standing and dont move. i am going to have to go to the massage therapist if it doesnt get better in a couple days. I also still have a cold. I looked on my blogs- 2 blogs ago to be precise when i actually GOT the cold and thought i was getting over it.. that was around the 1st of April.. and here it is the 26th and i am still coughing up a lung. I thought this time it wasnt going to be bad... stupid me. ( as I light another smoke)
we got a new dryer- YAY lol. its huge.. twice the size of the washer and twice as fast. i hate the fact I have to WAIT for the wash so bloody long now..it also has a sensor in it too so that it actually only runs as long as there are wet clothes in it.. so it senses the wetness.. even if u set it for say 45 minutes the clothes may only TAKE 20.. so it will shut off.. or vise versa.. so no more running down to check and restart the dryer for me now lol. Dean also got himself an armoire in the "as is" section.. it has a couple scratches at the very bottom of it ( which touched up with brown marker noone will even notice ;) and inside it on the bottom under the drawers a piece of the wood under the railing is bashed a little but completely functionable and its the inside anyway so who even sees it?? we got it for 199 from 799!!! woo hoo! I just love a deal :) we also got the dryer for 200 off too (it was in their flyer) :P
I need a hair cut so badly. I should have made an appt for tomorrow or tuesday- i think those are our only free days for awhile. I am begininning to look like my uncle tommy circa 1980. it ain't pretty. I was looking forward to a couple of appt free weeks but then people kept calling to make appts for devon and russell and soon my book started to fill up again.. even JUNE too.. I am expecting even more too as genetics finally books theirs in once they get back to Dr Shapir over the test results. Speaking of results- we have some of them back- part of the metabolic amino acid blood levels.. for devon 10 out of the 13 of his were high. NOT normal and NOT good. Having ONE high isnt good and he has 10. However i dont know all the specifics - only a geneticist can explain this to us..right now i just have the names and numbers/levels.They havent finished anything else yet- the dna etc. We go up to Toronto on may 13th.. morning is at Toronto western hosp. and the afternoon at sick kids for mri's for both kids.. ( hopefully both kids- they only had russell in their system.. dr shapir is using her pull and trying to get devon booked the same day so we dont have to go back up just for him-) and hopefully russell wont be in Ottawa either... his school still hasnt given me final dates for his school trip... talk about unorganised omg. I still havent paid the final installment yet either.. that was supposed to be due in MARCH but they didnt know how MUCH yet.. so they put it off and will inform us.. well here it is end of APRIL and the trip is next month... and we dont even know when they are GOING!! I HATE dealing with people like this... I am much to organised not to mention i book appts for these kids months in advance!!! I cant stand it when people cant do their jobs competantly.
On a postive note. I can fit into my shorts from last year- or at least the 2 pairs I have worn this weekend so far. my shirts, well um they are a bit like sausage casing on me this year :p i am definately not just an xlarge from a regular store at the moment... sigh. really dont have the heart to go purchase a bunch of shirts from my mothers store in a plus size.. the thought just depresses the shit out of me but what the hell am I supposed to do... the warm weather is already friggen here and in these shirts i have a case of muffin top haha. If only I was 10 lbs thinner.. I am so good for days and days and then usually one or sometimes 2 then i end up eating at night- nothing huge but having 2 snacks at night- like a bowl of cereal plus a handful of chips or something and i blow my diet all to hell.. and then the guilt comes. like gees su.. you were so fucking good all week why the fuck did you Eat THAT last night? you were good all day yesterday- counted every fucking calorie you ATE and then you HAD to have that bowl of corn pops AND CHIPS when you were reading last night eh? it wouldnt be so bad either if i could go to bed when i actually wanted too.. but i have to the whole devon dance at night.. and lay there with him while he watches tree house and snacks and i read.. i dont even eat while hes snacking but its after hes finally asleep and i have me TIME alone.. after my bath.. i am usually so tired i could fall asleep on my feet then DEAN calls and expects me to chat with him for an hour.. and i go help myself to a snack at midnight... stupid me- when all i want to do is sleep. and this is why its taken me 2 months to lose 9 lbs. I could have been down almost 20 now if i cut that out!
I am exhausted. I got up at 6am. ( its 747 now) It's saturday and devon was actually still sleeping... my back was killing me and my feet were both asleep- and not a light tingling feeling asleep but a terrible shooting pains pins and needles kind that only is helped by getting up and having blood flow to them. I could very easily go back to bed- but that would only result in my hacking my brains out, my back throbbing and devon doing God knows what without my supervision. yesterday when i was on the computer he set up a lemonade stand in the front of our house on a box with his bath towel draped over it, the pitcher of juice from our fridge and a stack of old glasses from our cupboard.. he was going to sell a glass for 10 dollars lol...have to admire his entrepreneurship however he made one heck of a mess from the kitchen to the lawn in 15 minutes and he had a melt down.. i said you should have asked mummy if when u want to do something like this.. not to mention there was NOONE on our street out at all yesterday.. i said if you want to have a LEMONADE stand you should really sell LEMONADE.. GOOD lemonade too.. not unknown juice thats been in our fridge for 4 days lol out of old glasses that never come clean on a bath towel on a box and perhaps lower your price from 10 dollars to 25 cents?? ;) I let him sit out there anyway for 15minutes while i cleaned up.. its not like he was hurting anyone lol i even BOUGHT a cup... lol
anyway- now to just get through the rest of the weekend and on the bus tomorrow morning... then perhaps I can have a nap...
Su
we got a new dryer- YAY lol. its huge.. twice the size of the washer and twice as fast. i hate the fact I have to WAIT for the wash so bloody long now..it also has a sensor in it too so that it actually only runs as long as there are wet clothes in it.. so it senses the wetness.. even if u set it for say 45 minutes the clothes may only TAKE 20.. so it will shut off.. or vise versa.. so no more running down to check and restart the dryer for me now lol. Dean also got himself an armoire in the "as is" section.. it has a couple scratches at the very bottom of it ( which touched up with brown marker noone will even notice ;) and inside it on the bottom under the drawers a piece of the wood under the railing is bashed a little but completely functionable and its the inside anyway so who even sees it?? we got it for 199 from 799!!! woo hoo! I just love a deal :) we also got the dryer for 200 off too (it was in their flyer) :P
I need a hair cut so badly. I should have made an appt for tomorrow or tuesday- i think those are our only free days for awhile. I am begininning to look like my uncle tommy circa 1980. it ain't pretty. I was looking forward to a couple of appt free weeks but then people kept calling to make appts for devon and russell and soon my book started to fill up again.. even JUNE too.. I am expecting even more too as genetics finally books theirs in once they get back to Dr Shapir over the test results. Speaking of results- we have some of them back- part of the metabolic amino acid blood levels.. for devon 10 out of the 13 of his were high. NOT normal and NOT good. Having ONE high isnt good and he has 10. However i dont know all the specifics - only a geneticist can explain this to us..right now i just have the names and numbers/levels.They havent finished anything else yet- the dna etc. We go up to Toronto on may 13th.. morning is at Toronto western hosp. and the afternoon at sick kids for mri's for both kids.. ( hopefully both kids- they only had russell in their system.. dr shapir is using her pull and trying to get devon booked the same day so we dont have to go back up just for him-) and hopefully russell wont be in Ottawa either... his school still hasnt given me final dates for his school trip... talk about unorganised omg. I still havent paid the final installment yet either.. that was supposed to be due in MARCH but they didnt know how MUCH yet.. so they put it off and will inform us.. well here it is end of APRIL and the trip is next month... and we dont even know when they are GOING!! I HATE dealing with people like this... I am much to organised not to mention i book appts for these kids months in advance!!! I cant stand it when people cant do their jobs competantly.
On a postive note. I can fit into my shorts from last year- or at least the 2 pairs I have worn this weekend so far. my shirts, well um they are a bit like sausage casing on me this year :p i am definately not just an xlarge from a regular store at the moment... sigh. really dont have the heart to go purchase a bunch of shirts from my mothers store in a plus size.. the thought just depresses the shit out of me but what the hell am I supposed to do... the warm weather is already friggen here and in these shirts i have a case of muffin top haha. If only I was 10 lbs thinner.. I am so good for days and days and then usually one or sometimes 2 then i end up eating at night- nothing huge but having 2 snacks at night- like a bowl of cereal plus a handful of chips or something and i blow my diet all to hell.. and then the guilt comes. like gees su.. you were so fucking good all week why the fuck did you Eat THAT last night? you were good all day yesterday- counted every fucking calorie you ATE and then you HAD to have that bowl of corn pops AND CHIPS when you were reading last night eh? it wouldnt be so bad either if i could go to bed when i actually wanted too.. but i have to the whole devon dance at night.. and lay there with him while he watches tree house and snacks and i read.. i dont even eat while hes snacking but its after hes finally asleep and i have me TIME alone.. after my bath.. i am usually so tired i could fall asleep on my feet then DEAN calls and expects me to chat with him for an hour.. and i go help myself to a snack at midnight... stupid me- when all i want to do is sleep. and this is why its taken me 2 months to lose 9 lbs. I could have been down almost 20 now if i cut that out!
I am exhausted. I got up at 6am. ( its 747 now) It's saturday and devon was actually still sleeping... my back was killing me and my feet were both asleep- and not a light tingling feeling asleep but a terrible shooting pains pins and needles kind that only is helped by getting up and having blood flow to them. I could very easily go back to bed- but that would only result in my hacking my brains out, my back throbbing and devon doing God knows what without my supervision. yesterday when i was on the computer he set up a lemonade stand in the front of our house on a box with his bath towel draped over it, the pitcher of juice from our fridge and a stack of old glasses from our cupboard.. he was going to sell a glass for 10 dollars lol...have to admire his entrepreneurship however he made one heck of a mess from the kitchen to the lawn in 15 minutes and he had a melt down.. i said you should have asked mummy if when u want to do something like this.. not to mention there was NOONE on our street out at all yesterday.. i said if you want to have a LEMONADE stand you should really sell LEMONADE.. GOOD lemonade too.. not unknown juice thats been in our fridge for 4 days lol out of old glasses that never come clean on a bath towel on a box and perhaps lower your price from 10 dollars to 25 cents?? ;) I let him sit out there anyway for 15minutes while i cleaned up.. its not like he was hurting anyone lol i even BOUGHT a cup... lol
anyway- now to just get through the rest of the weekend and on the bus tomorrow morning... then perhaps I can have a nap...
Su
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
my morning
It's been one of those mornings. Devon wakes up late... Devon refuses to get dressed... Devon keeps telling me to shut up, fuck off, calling me bitch.. no matter how nicely I ask him to get dressed and come eat his breakfast and redirect him the more he sticks his fingers in his ears and shouts at me. (Its not like he totally is sticking his fingers in his ears because he doesnt want to hear me/avoidance issues... its like my voice is actually hurting him to hear me.. " shut up shut up shut up!!!")
After 20 minutes of this I change tactics.. Do you want me to call daddy and let him hear what youre doing? do you even want to go to the movies tomorrow because i dont need to throw you a party... this lego can go away for a few days too.. He gets worse.. he runs from room to room shouting.. throwing things at me..I keep looking at the clock tick towards 730 ( we leave for the bus by 745)... If I had had time I would have completely ignored him... obviously I didn't.
We end up on my bed.. he's under my covers refusing to come out. I try the old you need a hug routine and get socked in the face. I physically put his arms around me, prying them from his body which he is hugging and hold on to him tight, cooing nonsense silly words.. telling him he has to go to school because mummy has a dental appt and daddys coming home this morning... and if mummy doesnt have her front tooth then we cant go to walmart in the near future and I know how you have gift cards... i am rambling in june cleaver tones.. i manage to usher him into the hall.. i grab his clothes.. i come back hes on the computer... sigh... hes telling me he hates school.. i tell him he only has 4 days this week then its easter..my smile is starting to hurt my face.
i get him downstairs. Russell says dont throw him a party.. it would serve him right... I shoot him a look and tell him to be quiet.. hes calming down I dont need his 2 cents. Devon comes down and grabs his english muffin and stuffs 1/2 of it in his mouth and tries to talk..hes still aggitated but seems to be able to be distracted now... phew.. its now 740... he swallows.. i give him his pill.. he pulls away.. i grab him and put it in his mouth... hand him his milk... hes rambling about some lego Y fighter now from lego.. and repeating " do you want a pickle" over and over..
I get his boots out side by side.. hes talking non stop.. a piece of muffin in each hand trying to get his boots on sideways on the wrong foot.. i try to take the muffin out of his hands and he gets aggitated.. so i help him slip his foot in... i get his coat.. put his hat on.. grab his ds and put it in the back pack for the bus ride...
we are almost out the door and russell and devon start to argue about lego.. i manage to back the car out of the driveway, as usual they are waiting and devon is kicking russell and russell is shouting retard...
we get to the bus stop.. i ramble about anything distracting while devon says inappropriate things.. russell starts to sing an eminiem song and devon repeats it.. russell tells me about another kid thats on the bus that fights with devon...
Then all seems to be quiet for a moment.. i take the moment and ask devon what he could have done this morning differently.. he said " be good?" i said but how? were you a good listener? did we work as a team today devon? did you make it easy or hard? you could have got dressed, ate quickly and had a 1/2 an hour to play with your lego.. but instead your chose your behaviour this morning... he laughs and says bad is fun.. I said its not very fun when noone is happy is it? i feel like I am talking to a wall.
he leans over says SORRY mommy.. and gives me a noogie... for devon this is affection. i say i love you too.. but mommy isnt happy at the moment..
I see the bus. we all get out of the car. I grab devons backpack.. he asks me when we are going to walmart.. i said not today... i said when you can prove to me you can listen. he says on the weekend? I said thats up to you then isnt it?
I drive home and look forward to being alone for the next 6 hours... hopefully he will be calmer when he walks in the door after school.
After 20 minutes of this I change tactics.. Do you want me to call daddy and let him hear what youre doing? do you even want to go to the movies tomorrow because i dont need to throw you a party... this lego can go away for a few days too.. He gets worse.. he runs from room to room shouting.. throwing things at me..I keep looking at the clock tick towards 730 ( we leave for the bus by 745)... If I had had time I would have completely ignored him... obviously I didn't.
We end up on my bed.. he's under my covers refusing to come out. I try the old you need a hug routine and get socked in the face. I physically put his arms around me, prying them from his body which he is hugging and hold on to him tight, cooing nonsense silly words.. telling him he has to go to school because mummy has a dental appt and daddys coming home this morning... and if mummy doesnt have her front tooth then we cant go to walmart in the near future and I know how you have gift cards... i am rambling in june cleaver tones.. i manage to usher him into the hall.. i grab his clothes.. i come back hes on the computer... sigh... hes telling me he hates school.. i tell him he only has 4 days this week then its easter..my smile is starting to hurt my face.
i get him downstairs. Russell says dont throw him a party.. it would serve him right... I shoot him a look and tell him to be quiet.. hes calming down I dont need his 2 cents. Devon comes down and grabs his english muffin and stuffs 1/2 of it in his mouth and tries to talk..hes still aggitated but seems to be able to be distracted now... phew.. its now 740... he swallows.. i give him his pill.. he pulls away.. i grab him and put it in his mouth... hand him his milk... hes rambling about some lego Y fighter now from lego.. and repeating " do you want a pickle" over and over..
I get his boots out side by side.. hes talking non stop.. a piece of muffin in each hand trying to get his boots on sideways on the wrong foot.. i try to take the muffin out of his hands and he gets aggitated.. so i help him slip his foot in... i get his coat.. put his hat on.. grab his ds and put it in the back pack for the bus ride...
we are almost out the door and russell and devon start to argue about lego.. i manage to back the car out of the driveway, as usual they are waiting and devon is kicking russell and russell is shouting retard...
we get to the bus stop.. i ramble about anything distracting while devon says inappropriate things.. russell starts to sing an eminiem song and devon repeats it.. russell tells me about another kid thats on the bus that fights with devon...
Then all seems to be quiet for a moment.. i take the moment and ask devon what he could have done this morning differently.. he said " be good?" i said but how? were you a good listener? did we work as a team today devon? did you make it easy or hard? you could have got dressed, ate quickly and had a 1/2 an hour to play with your lego.. but instead your chose your behaviour this morning... he laughs and says bad is fun.. I said its not very fun when noone is happy is it? i feel like I am talking to a wall.
he leans over says SORRY mommy.. and gives me a noogie... for devon this is affection. i say i love you too.. but mommy isnt happy at the moment..
I see the bus. we all get out of the car. I grab devons backpack.. he asks me when we are going to walmart.. i said not today... i said when you can prove to me you can listen. he says on the weekend? I said thats up to you then isnt it?
I drive home and look forward to being alone for the next 6 hours... hopefully he will be calmer when he walks in the door after school.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Hard to believe that 8 years ago I was getting ready to give birth to my youngest child. Time slips away from us so quickly that 8 years have seemed to have gone by without me realizing it... yet on some days they have also been the longest 8 years of my life!!!! :oP
I am getting over yet another cold. I was about due for one- hadnt been sick for at LEAST 3 months lol. Didnt hit me that hard which is good, ( knock on wood)- not the usual settle in my chest and set my asthma off for another month crap like it usually does.. lets hope it goes away completely in a couple more days.
I lost my bridge- NOT a good thing. So I have gone without a front tooth now for 2 weeks. I have tried to keep my smiling and talking in public to a minimum and hopefully I will have my new one ready by my tuesdays appt. now- to figure out how i am going to PAY for it... ack.. since our insurance isnt covering it..but its not something i can go without... kinda NOTICEABLE!!!
I also lost 8 lbs.. not alot but a start. not even going to say what i have left to go lol... it would only depress me and prob jinx any hope of losing anymore. however since i just really only started to put my heart and mind into actually trying for about a month now, - 8 lbs is pretty nice to see on the scale. my main goal for now is to fit comfortably into LAST years summer clothes!!!! LOL. ( which are one size less then what I am currently wearing :( so- I have at least 10 - 15 lbs to go to drop a whole size in my opinion.... sigh. WHEN i get that far THEN I will set another goal.
Russells currently lost 53 lbs. I cant get over it. Hes now 5'10 too... he looks like a completely different kid... now that that front tooth is coming in too i keep looking at him in wonder. even the dog doesnt recognise him 1/2 the time... if he comes into the room buddy will start to bark and russell says dumb ass its ME lol.. Devon is still the same height as he was LAST summer.. but hes gained 2 lbs ( he could stand to gain at least another 10)... maybe he will have a growth spurt soon... and hopefully gain some weight with it.
were taking devon to see monsters vs aliens on wednesday for his birthday with some of his friends... we got him a new green machine ( the bigger one- dean picked it up at toys r us in miami) and some lego... we gave him his presents already since dean wont be here tomorrow... and the kids on the street have taken over the green machine.. and devon of course lets them... sigh. I just hope it doesnt get smashed up like the other one.. he wont be getting another one!!!I am the only parent outside all the time ( and dean when hes home) and we are constantly having to parent every kid in the neighbourhood as well as our own... its a little grating.
devons watching the superfriends... mr Mxleplik (sp?) is just as gay as he was 30 years ago.
anyway... going to go
I am getting over yet another cold. I was about due for one- hadnt been sick for at LEAST 3 months lol. Didnt hit me that hard which is good, ( knock on wood)- not the usual settle in my chest and set my asthma off for another month crap like it usually does.. lets hope it goes away completely in a couple more days.
I lost my bridge- NOT a good thing. So I have gone without a front tooth now for 2 weeks. I have tried to keep my smiling and talking in public to a minimum and hopefully I will have my new one ready by my tuesdays appt. now- to figure out how i am going to PAY for it... ack.. since our insurance isnt covering it..but its not something i can go without... kinda NOTICEABLE!!!
I also lost 8 lbs.. not alot but a start. not even going to say what i have left to go lol... it would only depress me and prob jinx any hope of losing anymore. however since i just really only started to put my heart and mind into actually trying for about a month now, - 8 lbs is pretty nice to see on the scale. my main goal for now is to fit comfortably into LAST years summer clothes!!!! LOL. ( which are one size less then what I am currently wearing :( so- I have at least 10 - 15 lbs to go to drop a whole size in my opinion.... sigh. WHEN i get that far THEN I will set another goal.
Russells currently lost 53 lbs. I cant get over it. Hes now 5'10 too... he looks like a completely different kid... now that that front tooth is coming in too i keep looking at him in wonder. even the dog doesnt recognise him 1/2 the time... if he comes into the room buddy will start to bark and russell says dumb ass its ME lol.. Devon is still the same height as he was LAST summer.. but hes gained 2 lbs ( he could stand to gain at least another 10)... maybe he will have a growth spurt soon... and hopefully gain some weight with it.
were taking devon to see monsters vs aliens on wednesday for his birthday with some of his friends... we got him a new green machine ( the bigger one- dean picked it up at toys r us in miami) and some lego... we gave him his presents already since dean wont be here tomorrow... and the kids on the street have taken over the green machine.. and devon of course lets them... sigh. I just hope it doesnt get smashed up like the other one.. he wont be getting another one!!!I am the only parent outside all the time ( and dean when hes home) and we are constantly having to parent every kid in the neighbourhood as well as our own... its a little grating.
devons watching the superfriends... mr Mxleplik (sp?) is just as gay as he was 30 years ago.
anyway... going to go
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