heavy thinking for a monday morning

another weekend over-

monday is always a day of rest and reprieve for me. ( knock on wood!!) THIS is my weekend. MY day. The day I send the kids on the bus.. come home.. grab my coffee and my shoulders drop about 1/2 a foot and I can finally take those deep relaxing breaths that I havent taken since LAST monday. That is unless someone calls me wanting something from me.. sigh.

I love being alone. I never used to feel that way- years ago I always needed to have company or social interaction of somesort, constantly- now i have become a recluse- a hermit of sorts.. well.. not really.. my life is way too demanding for that. However I love being alone- I love the peace and quiet and relish the far and few between moments that I actually GET it now. I love it when its soo quiet that i can hear the dog breathing- or the train behind the house- or just the fact that noone is yelling for me to do something or other. In the summer i rarely get on the computer. I get up at the crack of dawn when the kids/dean/animals are still asleep, i slip outside and sit on the veranda and have my coffee and watch nothing. I am happy to watch my little street and the forest around us wake up. I love being in the country now. Its my time to think. My time to destress and prepare for the day ahead. My time to appreciate all the little things I have in my life that bring me such great joys and how to improve on things .. i set my long and short term goals or sometimes just prop my feet up and relax.. and just appreciate the warmth of my cup and my drag of my smoke.

I have been thinking alot lately about different things. Sometimes I wish i could just take my head off and put it on the table.. or shut it off with a switch. Lately however religion has been coming into my head - I have been having so many conflicting thoughts, emotions, guilt.. I dont know who to talk to about this at all. A lot of what if's... a lot of questionings. I believe in God. Thats a definate thing... I believe in the old testament.. as far as thats the God I believe in... what I am questioning is my faith as a Christian... and of course then I have guilt. I was raised as an anglican... attended the anglican church faithfully for years and years.. even went over zealous a couple times... but always had this questioning and then guilt. I remember asking my auntie kay- where do Jews go when they die if they dont believe in Christ? ( I was dating a jew at the time- my auntie kay being the biggest baptist bible thumper around- i thought was the right person to ask ) she told me.. why to hell of course! SHOCK... I never could accept this. I thought how could MY God- who is supposed to be a loving and forgiving God send millions of people to hell? and if what about other people? the muslims, buddists, islamics etc? They were all going to hell??!! Now I am sure other forms of Christianity will say no thats not the case.. God WOULD accept them ALL into heaven... right? hmmm... then wouldnt that defeat the purpose of christianity>? of becoming reborn? about accepting "the lord" into your heart and that he died for your sins? so YOU could go to heaven? It didnt make sense. I asked my minister- he couldnt give me a straight answer either. I also asked the cannon if Adam and Eve were the first man and woman on earth... were they Neanderthal? and if God made them in " his own image" did that made HIM look like a neanderthal too? he couldnt give me a straight answer either... I think i was 8...

I think Dean is Definately Jewish. Thats pretty obvious with the secrets his family have had since ww2 ( the last name change- hans's sister and father in concentration camps, the whole mental and bitterness they have and weirdness they get- the stories about his mother and/about hitler and the apparent physical characteristics they all share. It wouldnt really surprise me either once the genetic testing comes back we find out that we are too on my mother's side. it would made complete sense... too many things definately would make more sense... The fact that people have mistaken both Dean AND myself ( and definately my mother)for being jewish for as long as i can remember...A Jewish name has now been passed down for 4 generations of woman on my mothers side when they were supposedly christians in the old country? I find it odd.. esp. since we dont know ANYTHING .. NO history at all predating my great grandparents coming over to Canada from austria. No idea who anyone was- no names or places or religion... nothing. when they came to Canada they changed their name- Anglicized it or bastardized it as most people did... and thats when we have records from- then till now. Gees, my great grandmother barely spoke english- I dont remember much of her- she died at 99 years old in her house on the couch. she hadnt walked in several years... really hard of hearing.. 2 days before she died, my auntie Mimi heard her get up and WALK into the kitchen to the back door.. she went to her in shock and asked,.. where are you going mama? she told her " I am going HOME" then fell on the floor when she realized where she was. I was 14. She was born Annie Freidrich in 1886, married Nichola Oziejuk ( Ossichuck) when she was 15. They came to Canada ( landed in Manitoba) and then had 6 children from Manitoba to Thorold Ontario where they settled)- .. 4 kids survived... John ( my mums dad) Miriam, Katherine and Frances. My Great grandfather died in 1948 of heart problems so she was a widow for 38 years. Apparently other family landed in Manitoba as well- both my great grandmothers and great grandfathers sides... we have no clues about them.. other then my great grandads brother was a hair dresser and my great grandmothers family were farmers who made cheese of somekind...

I have always been tempted to sign up for ancestry.com but i wouldnt know how and where to start,.. for one there are several spellings we have for the last names.. and several places they were supposedly from...

until next time.. i am getting too hungry to sit here any longer.. :p

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