My dad

I just knew i would be up at 3 if i went to bed by 9... sigh... Dean and I were so zonked last night that after devon went to bed we did too!

strange day yesterday. first we went over to the pelham clinic so dean could get his physical for work.. i opted to wait in the car with a book instead of sitting in the germ infested room. 2 hours later- he comes back out and announces that hes quitting smoking and hasn't had a cigarette since. his sugar his fine, his blood pressure is fine..now he has to fast for cholesterol. that isnt part of the physical but i he asked for the test. so we go to the pharmacy where dean got nicerette gum.. grocery shopping, lancer for lunch.. the meridian, the rbc, back to the meridian then back to rbc.. then big reds-

so I am at the meat counter- and all of a sudden, I am being hugged by a strange old man- we pull apart and i look at him and my heart goes into my stomach- its MY DAD. we go through the how r u's.. and how old my kids are-that russell started thorold high.. ( THAT SHOCKS HIM) and i said yeah well time flies by eh? I tell him hes over 6 feet now..and that shit its been years since he saw him.. and he says well u know where i live... so i said and U knew where I LIVED for 6 years and came by once. I tell him i moved.. not in Thorold anymore but in Port robinson.. he says thats still THOROLD.. well i guess it is.. there you go correcting me again..the whole conversation was surreal and awkward. he takes off his glasses and is tearing up. he looks like hes 80. I can barely understand him he talks so roughly and quietly.. like quincy. hes completely grey and bald at the back.. i didn't know what to say ( i wasn't going to say shit u look OLD MAN lol) so i said omg u look like uncle charlie now. lol. he can barely breathe just standing there. i give him my new address and phone # ( which he will never use) and after 10 more minutes tell him it was good to see him and walk to the front to pay... hes right behind me in line.. we start talking about MEAT. omg. is this seriously what a daughter and father have to talk about after years or not speaking? MEAT and prices? we both didn't know what to say to each other! he points out to his car in the parking lot- a white Hyundai.. i tell him were driving a cobalt now.. he asks dean if hes still driving long haul.. we pay and i tell him again it was nice seeing him and we all leave and get into our cars.

I don't know what to think... it was very strange. I have thought about him often over the years.. in fact ( i tell him) i was just talking about him to the kids 2 days ago when devon again asks me about joe being my DAD..( he also thinks that lockhart is where i grew up= even though i have SHOWED him park ave.) hard to explain to a delayed little kid why you don't speak to your own dad when I don't even know. do i not bother because of HER? because of loyalty to my mother? because of the past? because its just too much work? The last time i popped by his house i wasn't exactly greeted by her nicely.. i got suzy? JIM! SUZY is here! ( suzy said snottily and with contempt) and we then had a very weird conversation where he had to correct me a 100 times.. showed me his meat/pantry and liqueur collection... this was at least 4 years ago. at least. I never went back over. he came over to culligan ONCE.. complained about my front step right off the bat.. looked at my one plug in the kitchen that didn't work and said it would cost us 1000's to rewire ( it cost us 50 bucks to get a guy in when we moved) and that had to be a year or so after we moved in. My # didn't change from 1996 to 2008. whatever. Joe sees him at retirement parties.. my mother always gets mad that he doesn't ask joe about his kids.. well i don't really expect him to have a friendly conversation with my mothers new husband either.. but hes had my email address and # and knew where i lived since 1996. I went over to his house a couple of times when devon was first born. if it weren't for her i might have gone over more often- but like i said she makes me feel very unwelcome- and also my loyalty to my mother kicks in... but hell he left 18 years ago... maybe if my mother had a decent marriage NOW.. she could have gotten over it a little more naturally.. ( not that that is something that just ever goes away either) Then i think well, it would be like david and russell seeing each other- however david never HAD any relationship or place in russells life EVER- this was MY DAD for 20 years.

My mother shouldn't expect ME to hold onto HER grudges.. and any grudges i have ever had with my dad on parenting etc have long gone from me... when i had my two kids and matured i realized life just isn't a leave it to beaver episode and people make mistakes, people have mental issues.. drinking issues.. that raising kids and marriage just isn't exactly easy either..you learn to let it all go...sure it still bothers me that he didn't want to even meet me for a drink at 20 because" he was happy now"... i will never understand how men can just leave ONE family and have another...and forget they ever HAD the first family in the first place. But the fight my parents had.. their divorce isn't about me.. or my brother.. or even because my dad cheated.. My dad has never been a happy person.. or a terribly vocal person that could share his feelings.. and my dad obviously has several mental issues.. that he cant help or never GOT help for. My dad and i don't even know each other now... 18 years later. he doesn't know me at all as an adult, a mother, a wife.. a woman and i don't know him now either.. but he is my father.. biologically, genetically and he helped to shape me for the first 20 years of my life. I am NOT making excuses up for his lack of parenting skills at times.. nor for his inability to communicate in the past 18 years either but their are reasons.. reasons beyond just my ability to fix the gap.. that as adults it was both of our faults to stay in touch NOT just my fathers. I am an adult now.. no longer that 15 year old that couldn't talk to him without a fight.. i am 37 years old.. and it takes two people, HIM and I..and i haven't exactly made any more efforts in recent years either.. The gap between us as adults is both of our "faults"

am I NOT there for my mother 24/7? do i not tolerate all of HER faults, issues, habits, idiosyncrasies and criticism? why should it be any different for my dad? what because my parents marriage dissolved? because he didn't have patience with me as a teenager? i look at it differently now- i HAVE a teenager- i have RAISED my two kids and I know how easy it is to get frustrated etc.. and i have been a wife for 14 years, I know how much you have to tolerate and how hard you have to work at a marriage..and I am a relatively stable normal person. I cant imagine how my DAD felt as a parent or a husband- but why should i hold it against him as an adult.. I cant. there is no logical reason. we all are entitled to make mistakes.

Even IF my dad calls me or comes over.. doesn't mean we are expected to be all palsy walsy and close like my mother and I..but I certainly can accept that he IS my father and my kids grandfather. IF he doesn't get back in touch- well thats ok too.. I dont think he does it from lack of loving but the lack of a social ability to know HOW to communicate or face situations. I also have to realize that it truly takes TWO people to make a relationship work- parent/child,.. wife/husband or even friends and if I dont bother at all either then thats MY fault too.

its not like i ever wanted to have this miley/billy ray cyrus thing... but I should be able to tolerate being in the same room as him! I don't go looking for "acceptance'.. or i have never begged for his affection as an adult.. but I can accept the man for who he is.. what he was.. and put it all in perspective.. that's what being an adult and life experience is all about. I cant stand the people that as adults habitually say.. well I am an asshole or crazy etc because of my CHILDHOOD.. you get over things,... its not how you start its how you finish and as adults you have the ability to reason, to change things.. to do things differently. sure it shapes you as a person but you cant possibly say it makes you who you are 20 years later. my childhood was so long ago- so many years have passed that I barely remember things now.. and the things i DO remember, referring to the "bad things" I have learned to let go...noone is perfect. no one can understand someone because they don't walk in their shoes.. i have learned THAT lesson for sure..its time to move on.